Day 59: My name is Inigo Montoya. . .

On a random note, if you go back and look at the careers of Disney people who've done voices for great great movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Swan Princess (might as well be Disney), Aladdin, etc., and other famous movies like Princess Bride, those people didn't have long careers. It's like one hit wonders and then a life of mediocrity in things that you'll never hear from them again, the exception being Joseph Gordon-Levitt who was able to use Angels in the Outfield as a stepping stone for his future career, where he's gone to be in Inception, (500) Days of Summer, that abomination they call G. I. Joe, and a few others. Who am I kidding. Go look him up.

Anywhoze. I chose the above quote because you can finish it, and it gives a pretty good idea as to what my topic is. But for nostalgia's sake, let's relive the moment.

Some person who is unimportant: "Who are you?"

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

We laugh at the silliness because he says it over again while getting stabbed and while stabbing this other dude. It's like with every jab he has to repeat himself like his opponent has short term memory or something. He could start adding phrases like "Hey, just a reminder, my name. . ." or "In case you forgot, my name. . ." etc. but he doesn't. He repeats the same darned thing over and over again because he's not worried about the Dirty Socks Principle. He's too focused on vengeance to really care about much. Well, other than vengeance that is. (He was going after the Six-Fingered Man who killed his father and he wanted revenge. Short relevant plot summary for those of you who have been so deprived as to never see the Princess Bride. That's all you need to know really for this purposes of this blog post. Well, that and it was funny. Moving on.)

I don't really know where this came from as far as popularity goes, but it seems like the popular thing to do when you get hurt is to hurt back. Whether that's posting flirty messages on the wall of a girl who your recent ex-girlfriend was really scared of you going with, calling someone a (man, only wanting to use nice language is hard in this post) host of bad names I won't type out here because they called you a few choice words of their own, egging their house because they rolled yours, or wanting to get even in some way I can't think of because I've just always been crying too much or not caring enough to really think of ways to get them back. I leave that for the experts.

It's a mess. It starts some all out war with someone that you probably called a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or some other really cool title to symbolize how tight you guys were in like the last 24 hours. So they go from friend to [INSERT BAD NAME HERE]. Split seconds.

"Oh you know Bobby right?"
"Heck yea! Bobby my man. We tight."

"Well, he just told me you were a [This is going to get boring]."

"WHY I OUGHTA. . ."
I'll let Richard finish that one. Because Ricky and Bobby seem to go together, if you listen to Will Ferrell.

I say all this to say, yes it's common, yes it's natural to want revenge, yes I've probably gotten back at someone at some point in my life which if I were to repeat that action after I post this would make me look like a huge hypocrite, but I find it silly now. The real measure of how much you care for a person isn't how much you guys click, but how you treat them when you're treated unfairly.

There are a lot of implications in this, so I'll try to keep it simple. I don't encourage revenge. I can't tell you, my reader, to not seek revenge any more than I can tell my right thumb to travel up my arm and stick out of my neck for the rest of my natural life (And to be clear, I can't do that, which means I can't tell you to not seek revenge). This is simply my advice. in my experience, you heal better if you don't seek revenge, and you let bygones be bygones.

NOTE: (Because I've been in groups where this was a "rule") IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION OF ANY SORT, GET OUT FIRST, AND IF NECESSARY CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES. GOD DID NOT CALL YOU TO STAY IN THAT SITUATION, HE CALLED YOU TO LOVE THEM WHICH YOU CAN SAFELY DO IN WITNESS PROTECTION.

Day 58: Irrational Fear

I'm going to be a little. . . oh whats the word. Candid will do (Thanks 1828). I'm going to be rather candid and this will probably be followed by my ego screaming in pain as it dies a horrible death.

I've always been a little afraid of being prayed for. Now I basically relied on being prayed for for my prayer life because prayer just wasn't my deal. If you don't pray, you can always get someone else to pray and intercede for you. Yes! BUT. If someone lays hands on you and they start hearing from God, then whoosh God's business of revelation is open for. . . business (Dangit! I was hoping for something more original). And while God revealing things to me is totally awesome and welcome with six open arms (Go Spidey!), I just didnt want anything being revealed to anyone else. . . like the person praying for me. I liked my skeletons in the closet where they were.

Now I wasn't so afraid as to never let anyone pray for me, because when people praying for you is your prayer life, it's kind of a necessity. So people prayed for me, laid hands, the whole bit, and nothing has ever been said about any skeletons in the closet except what I tell people in day-to-day conversations.

I was thinking about all this and it hit me. I shouldn't be afraid of skeletons in the closet. The whole process of rebirth is to start over with a clean slate, so the skeletons really aren't all there even. Therein, I feel incredibly silly. Now just because they aren't there to lord over doesn't mean I come clean and air everything on this blog, because that would be even sillier, but I guess I'm not as afraid anymore.

In other news, things are going beautifully with. . . well, with everything. It's amazing what turning things over to God can do.

Day 57: O Love You are Beautiful Pt 2

About that 'do comment. I realized I never mentioned anything.

Today is January 17th, and in less than two hours I'm going to a "hair" appointment where the barber will proceed to shave my head as close as she possibly can. Now while all these questions are jumping to your head about why I'm shaving my beautiful hair off, I'll pre-empt all of these questions with a Scripture reference. Numbers 6:1-21

And now you're really confused.

I took the Nazirite vow for 4 months, and today represents the end of that vow which means it's time to give it a buzz thats so short its bald. It's amazing that 4 months has come and gone, but I've thoroughly enjoyed the ride, and it has opened a few doors to people I work with and such so this will be interesting. In the meantime my ears will freeze off.

And I really couldn't be more happy about it.

Day 56: O Love, you are Beautiful

So one week of fasting is done. The one-meal a day thing has been getting to me all week, but I'm making do (ha, 'do. that's a joke you'll get in a minute, my dear reader) chugging un-precedented amounts of water and Gatorade etc. The sodas, after 7 days without them. . . oddly no caffeine headaches. For those of you who know exactly how much DP I'm capable of downing on any given day, that's nothing short of a miracle. So overall, having not broken the fast as of yet, despite temptation, which is a plus. Yay for fasting!

Prayer. Well this one is going to take a while. During our 21 day fast, the church is doing Miracle services, named so because its an expectancy that God will move. It's like getting together to pray for rain, and thinking ahead to bring your umbrellas. We expect God to move not because he owes it to us, but if Paul and Silas can literally bring down the house by themselves in pure worship, what more can a gathering of 100-150 do when they come together to worship in such a fashion? Well, given that we just built a new building we don't want to literally bring down the house, but we're hoping and praying for miracles. Corporately anyways. We had one such service earlier tonight, started at 6pm, and God really moved during worship which was cool, except that worship never ended music wise, and we just kinda let the music play on. Well, you know me. If there's not someone singing (and even if there is someone singing) I take over. So I kinda started vocalizing while the preacher started talking and I came up with (you guessed it) the title of this blog. O Love you are Beautiful (I'm not terribly certain how to punctuate it).

Now, for a small break in thought, my good friend the Great Black Dog would tell you that repeating the same phrase over (or even somewhat consistently) does not a song make. And he's right. I would agree that it would be extremely silly to buy a song that repeats the same thing over and over. It's one of the reasons I don't get things like the "Cha Cha Slide" and the "Cupid Shuffle". It's the same thing with no real application. Anywho, the Great Black Dog would not approve of me selling the cute little worship song I came up with on the fly. But I don't intend to sell it. It's mine, and it's my own little personal worship gig, much like my "You are Love" song.

Anywho, I was getting to prayer. So I am actually going somewhere with this. I started singing it, but I felt kinda uncomfortable because at the end of a long day, my voice was tired and I wasn't hitting notes like I wanted to, so I turned around to face the back wall because it gave me privacy, focus, shut out the rest of the world, and that way the people waltzing the stage (and the audience out in the house) wouldn't be able to hear my off-pitch voice. I think I was like that for maybe a minute (probably more like 15 seconds) before God hit. This wasn't a preacher hitting me over the head, or someone laying hands on me (both of which are nice if they yield the right result) but this was just being overcome. I broke down crying, and fell to the stage (the mere memory of this is making me smile and laugh. it's really lovely) and laid there for like a half hour crying. And then I felt led to go pray for different members of the worship team which was new and unsettling. I kinda wrote it off as me thinking about being spiritual. But then the flow of the Spirit dried up a little, and I got the feeling again. So I got up, snotty nose and all (I did mention I was crying right) and I went and prayed for different members of the worship team.

I can't really remember ever praying in the Spirit like that.

It was awesome.

Yay for prayer!

So week 1 down, successfully.

Two more to go.

Day 55: The Heart of David

I found out some time ago that the readily familiar Bible stories I grew up with, David and Goliath, Sampson, Abraham and Lot, Elijah and Elisha, etc. are not so readily familiar to most. Most wouldn't seemingly be able to tell you if Lot's wife turned to salt or pepper (or some mixture of both, which then makes her "Special Seasoning" according to Whataburger). I suppose that the fact that I can tell you that she didn't turn to Special Seasoning when she turned back is something I should thank my parents for.

The different heroes of the Bible are known for their traits of courage, loyalty, wisdom, and for the amazing things that God did in their lives.

David, before he was King and all that, had the weird job of counting sheep every day and was somehow also expected to stay awake. During this time he played the harp, killed wildlife, made vacations to battlefront lines, and ran errands for his dad all while also getting anointed by THE prophet of Israel at the time, Samuel. He would then go on to kill a massive member of a society that strangely enough (to my knowledge) is not associated with any specific land area, outrun a King for years in the wilderness (all those years of counting sheep helped), become King, kill one of his top dogs in the military because he slept with the dude's wife and made a kid, danced naked in the streets, had a son that became the wisest (and richest) person the world has known, get chased from his palace by one of his sons who then slept with all of his concubines in plain sight to assert his control over the palace (sex = dominance in the dog culture), and he finally brought the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem before he finally kicked the bucket.

Full life.

But nowadays we don't remember David so much for his poor family skills, his sins with Bathsheba, or even bringing the Ark back to Jerusalem. We know him for being King, killing Goliath, and being a worshipper. In fact, he's the only person I can remember from my years of Biblical teachings that is known to be a worshipper. The whole dancing naked in the streets was an act of worship. The guy had a heart for the things of God like seemingly no one else in his time, and he spent his time writing some 70+ psalms and playing the harp all day (until people threw spears at him; then he ran). The guy's son got deathly sick, so he fasted and fasted and when his son died, he broke his fast, got up, got dressed, and went on life as normal. I love his explanation which seems a bit cold-hearted, but I think it shows how the man considered his relationship with God to be.

"While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 15

He fasted for a movement of God.

Recently, my church began their annual 21 day fast that they start the year with every year. 21 days, from January 9th to the 30th, of fasting and prayer for the movement of God over the coming year. "Starting the year off right", as Pastor Richie would say. Quite honestly, I've never fasted before this, not because I hadn't wanted to, but because I never found the will to do it. It's much harder to do on one's own, but there is strength in numbers. Through day 1 it hasn't been too bad as far as having to deal with temptations. I'm sleeping a lot more erratically because there hasn't been any caffeine to boost me throughout the day (fasting sodas, and I hate coffee and tea) and I was able to sit at the table with my parents and smell them eating popcorn without having the temptation to eat. Both the meal and the snack smelled exquisite, but I didn't have the desire to eat; a lovely release that did not come from me.

Corporately I have joined with my brothers and sisters in Christ to fast as a church as we pray collectively for a move of God, but I'm also fasting for my own life. A further sense of direction than the one I already have, whether that be in my career path, the companion that will join me on that path, and really, overall, just to move closer to God. The one downside of coasting for 18+ years is that I know I should be closer, which frustrates me, so I'm ready to sprint all out as I move forward.

I'll be pretty honest. Worship is my thing. I'm not yet that great of a public speaker, I'm not used to praying, comforting isn't it either. The one thing I'm good at that has a true spiritual application is worship. Naturally, not used to prayer makes "Praying and Fasting" kinda a double edged sword for me. Never done one, not used to the other. But I'm getting there. Being on a worship team again has allowed me to really cut loose and it's like a fresh breath from God. When I was prayed over back in May, someone said that they saw the heart of David. I was about to publish this, and then I was reminded of that.

Here's to the sprint to the finish line.

Day 54: Worthless Pt 2 [Less is More]

Funny coincidence.

So Tuesday night, Pastor Richie calls a band meeting so we can run a brainstorming session. There wasn't much special about it, just stuff thats coming up that we should be prepared for. . . and then Pastor Richie mentioned the word "potential" and went on a Potential rant not too dissimilar from Worthless (Pt 1). It made me feel somewhat intelligent, not gonna lie there. I suppose I should really define what "Worthless" refers to.

If I'm not worthless, then what is?

Honestly, that's a brilliant question because I had linked it to something and then proceeded to forget about it, and I didn't leave myself any good hints as to what it refers to. That's the honest approach. I will say this though, on a new train of thought. Potential, in itself, is worthless, because it relies on character to become valuable. Therein, its pointless to look for potential. Everyone has it. You should instead look for character. And I unfortunately cannot yet look back at my life and go "Ha! Here's an example of the rewards you reap by finding character instead of potential!" My new friends, including the lady friend, were not picked on the basis of character, but rather potential. I've so far lucked out enough that their character has passed the tests faced (and by passed I mean come out alive however barely that may be), but that is more of a measure of luck and Grace that saved me from my own indiscretion.

"Be careful Rich. Less is more."

- Angels in the Outfield

Yes, I just dug up a quote thats 17 years old, and have yet to tell you why. The phrase "Less is more" is a paradox, and yet at the same time, for a paradox it runs pretty true. The less you have of something, the more you realize how much you really do or really don't need it. I'm going to use this as a litmus of my relationship with Kate, because although we're fasting to find out the final answer, the less I spend with her, the more valuable my time is with her. It's a rather interesting thought. In a moment of either pure brilliance or incorrigible stupidity (or both, as it probably was) I agreed to only spend 1 1/2 hrs with her in "us" time, and I wrote all my hopes and aspirations in such a place where she could see it. (Yes, I'm rambling about my relationship. I tend to talk about things important to me, if you haven't noticed.)

As if doing the right thing (which includes adhering to my promises) wasn't hard enough.

Day 53: Worthless

Before we get started, lets clear up some things.

No, I didn't do something that screwed up my life.

No, I'm not depressed.

No, I don't want to hurt little children and/or fuzzy animals.

No, I do not think I'm worthless.

Yes, the title does pertain to me.

One of the many quotes on my facebook page is "Potential is worthless unless it is also paired with character." Pretty nifty quote, if I do say so myself, which I do because I came up with the dang thing on my own. I may not have been the first, but I did think of it. On my own. No help. And like everything awesome, it deserves a background story.

It was Jace's recommendation that we have a date night since we had. . . skipped the pleasantries of dating and all that. So in the morning I met her with a page of reasons why I liked her, handwritten. I think one word covered half the page. "Potential". Potential to be so many things that really don't need to be listed again. It's not really that she was the only one I saw potential in, but I am entranced with potential. It's amazing how many people I meet that just seem to brim over with potential. It's absolutely amazing, and I love it. At the same time, I see these people with potential, and for the most part after some time of thought, I come to the conclusion that the potential is wasted. Why?

Because they have not sufficient character to feed the potential as it grows to its fullness.

Ultimately, yes I broke up with Jace because I felt led to. But I was probably more likely to go along with the idea because I had determined that I didn't like the way she was using her potential, so I had basically given up on her. Whether or not its fair to say she had wasted her potential is besides the point because it is now past. I did what I did and I can no longer change it. If I could change the past, believe me, I would start elsewhere.

Every human being has immense potential. It's the equalizer we're born with, or so I would have you believe for the duration of this post at the very least. I, being a human being, would fit into the category of those born with immense potential.

The question then becomes, do I waste the potential, or does my character feed it enough to where it can grow to its fullness?

Day 52: Terror

Websters 1828 Definition: Extreme fear; violent dread; fright; fear that agitates the body and mind.

My definition: Ditto (Who am I kidding? That is THE definition)

I'm not going to lie to you. I don't really feel I've felt terror in my lifetime. Sure I've been scared, sometimes pretty good, but never a true terror that would fit with that definition.

My gut reaction is to tell you that I felt terror this morning, but I think I'll settle for saying that I was really freaked out when I woke up this morning. I rarely have nightmares. Like maybe once every few years. Typically my dreams are about me confessing my many hidden sins, spending times with those I'm infatuated with, or doing some rather awesome butt-kicking feat. This was none of the above. This was something-close-to-but-not-necessarily terror.

And I know this is going to kill your curiosity (which then kills the cat, so I'm indirectly a cat killer) but I'm not going to give a single detail or hint as to the nature of this nightmarish event. It didn't take long for it to reveal itself, and for the life of me, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get out.

I was trapped in a dream.

It was a terrible feeling. I had to sit and watch as everything that I've been trying to build on the right path disintegrated into a rather ugly demise filled with tears and raised voices and all of the other unquenchable fears that I may still retain this far in. It bugs me that progress is so slow, yet regress happens in an instant.

I suppose a ton of things bug me, so I won't bore you with a list. I'm not that cruel.

*INSERT AUDIBLE SIGH HERE SINCE I KNOW NO OTHER WAY TO PUT ONOMATOPOEIA IN A BLOG POST*

I suppose it's good to have a reminder of how much I depend on You.

Day 51: here's to You

Charles Dickens may have put it best.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

That was 2010. I suppose every day, week, month, year has it's own pitfalls and disappointments while simultaneously having their own bright spots and reasons to make us smile, which means that above all else, 2010 was average. What is a year to a man who's seen 100? No presidents were assassinated. No great wars were started, nor did any end. The elections were pretty average. Yes, we had some hilarious moments and yes, we had some crappy moments. 2010 isn't a year that I'm gonna look back on and be sure to tell my kids about. Sure, there are life lessons to be learned, but the only, ONLY, major event worth noting in 2010 in my life is the Return of the Prodigal Son to the Brown Brick Road. There were some other major events I suppose. Losing my innocence in March, beginning my work on the two albums which will likely be the only two official works that I'll work on in a studio, beginning my work on the publishing house, leaving Evangel, the gaining of certain friends, and the losses of others, and still the reparations of more, sure they're all worth noting. But nothing compares.

You know, it's funny. You can say something for so long but until you finally give it meaning to your own life, it's just words. But I think I can finally say "Nothing compares" and actually really mean it. That's rather refreshing.

Here's to being who I am called to be.
Here's to the death of myself.
Here's the end to me without You
Here's to doing things right.

Here's to the realization that I am nothing, and You are everything.

"i do not exist, we faithfully insist, while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew and if ever you come near, i'll hold up high a mirror, i can never show You anything as beautiful as You"

-Aaron Weiss

"but Christ if You open my blinded eyes

i’ll follow all Your commands"

-Mark Nicks

You are everything I've dreamed of, yet You're so much more.

You are love.