Day 135: What is fear, but motivation?

Is it better to be loved or to be feared?
To be accepted for what you are, or what you can do.


I've always wanted to be loved, but after so many years of my inability to better those that I meet, I think I should be feared. My ability to wreck a life far exceeds my ability to find the beauty in one.

Day 134: Authenticity, Pt. One

Authenticity. Desired by many, achieved by few. Being as close to the definition of you as possible. The Greeks theorized about a world of Souls, where the truest forms of all things existed, and earthly things were only valuable if they measured up closely to their true forms.

Here's what gets me though. I've been living these past five months as if the true me would show in all I do. If you had to make an effort to be yourself, was that really being yourself? So I didn't bother trying.

And I turned into a Monster.

I hated who I became. That hatred grew to define me. I took it out on others who'd been so close to me. I continued doing things I hated and swore I'd never do. Why? Because I enjoyed the self-hatred. Self-destruction became my hobby. My reputation and well being weren't important. Only the guilty pleasures I'd been denying myself since I'd arrived to Denton.

I think I'm barely starting to realize how much breaking up with Kaitlin shook me. That single event changed the direction of my life completely. My parents call it an answer to prayer and a drastic improvement. My brother, thought not nearly as outspoken, would probably agree. But they're thousands of miles away. They're not here to see the result, what's left of me. I mean, there are moments that I want to say the breakup destroyed me. My entire future plan hinged on her being a part of my life. And she was, until she wasn't. Until my selfish desires, my out of control libido, my shame of hiding from my parents' opinion, and whatever else happened to drive us apart.

At least one of us handled that well.

I'm a far cry from who I used to be. I've regressed - I've lost years from my maturity. I used to be worth listening to. I used to be a model for redemption. I used to be worth caring about. Quiet, humble, thoughtful, caring, loving, honest, professional; but I've destroyed or trampled over all I used to be worth. My reputation is ruined. My friends, few. My good qualities, muddied.

Everyone knows me for what I am: a waste of space and air. It would take a lifetime of effort to try and recover from that. It's already going to take that to regain my self-respect. But the terrible memories in this town are haunting. The best option, the easy option, is the nuclear option. New town, new people, no memories - just a nice clean slate with which to redeem myself. Heck, I'd take a new job to go with it. Even with a clean slate it'll take more effort than I've ever believed to make it through the rebuilding process.

Every building needs a foundation. I just need to find mine, and hold it tight.

What I am on my own, my true definition of who I am separate of everyone.
That has to be my foundation.

Day 133: What I mean when I say I love you

Your smile is my greatest work.

I trust you implicitly.

I know you to be an incredibly beautiful person.

I can see amazing potential.

I can also see great character, which means unlike most others, you can actually choose to live up to your potential.

When I die, I want you by my side.

The thought of you makes me smile.

I wish I could draw, because I could spend years trying to capture your beauty.

You are my best friend.

If I went blind, I'd already know your face by touch.

I love your laugh.

I love you.

You are my greatest muse.

You are the inspiration that makes me try harder, live better, and go farther.

I'd rather spend time with you than with anyone else on earth.

I really mean it.

Day 132: A True Horror Story

I can hardly remember what it feels like to have somebody mean something to me. That's scarier to me than just about anything else I could imagine. I spent so many years feeling this great emotion for Bailey, and then Kaitlin, but these last few months have been full of pain and emptiness.
Nothing. Devoid of meaning. Like I sat around and did nothing for four months (Has it really been that long?) I hardly feel aliv. Sure, being awake in the daytime, switching stores, there have been some nice changes. Improvements. But what does it mean? Nothing.
I want somebody to share life with. To put a smile on somebody's face. To be the half of a whole. Someone who encourages me to be me. A natural love. I want to want a future with somebody. Comfort in a simple embrace.
I've felt that once before, and I miss it dearly.
I hate existing. I want to LIVE. Surely thats not so much to ask.

You mean somewhere between a friend and the world to me, but I want you to mean the world.

Confound it all, love
All terrors and fears
Guide me home
Safely through the years
Mark me. I'm yours.
Love, lead me home.

I once smiled, proud and confident, because I felt that I alone knew the true nature of love. That was a wondrous feeling. I didn't lose that at the breakup. It was when she moved on, when she couldn't stand talking to me anymore. When I truly lost my best friend. I lost confidence then, not in humanity, but in myself. I lost hope in what I could be, and I quit trying. What was the point of even trying? I had nothing to succeed for. I don't want some foolish American success. I want the family that I gave up in West & Main.
There can be nothing left for me, if not that.

There's the tale of two Bens.
There is who I want to be, and who I am.
I want to be a Darcy, someone who can be persuaded only by love to act. Aragorn, to whom time and distance mean nothing. A Creo, where the separation of death did nothing to quell the depth of his love. A Hansen, who is driven by his love that he will accept no end, except one where they end up together. A Thomas Hunter, whose newfound discovery of the true definition of love kindles a fire that leads a people.
And then there's who I am.

Love is the Father of emotion. It's not this cheapo idea that everyone buys into. It's so great, expansive, and full of meaning. Greater than a heartbeat. Greater than a self, and anything I've ever known.
How I miss it.


I believe in the power of love. I believe in what it can do to me. I believe I'll feel it again one day. I just wish that day would come soon. Sooner, rather than later.
Please. 

Day 131: In Remembrance.

What the hell have I been doing?

I remember now.
That morning back in June, at the end of it all, as I walked away from the house for the final time, I knew what I needed to do. It was the same as when it ended with Jacelyn. I needed to grow; to improve; to become a human being that was more than a waste of a breath to name. I was close. I knew I had to be close. But I wasn't there yet. I didn't get it, it wasn't clicking, something had to change.

I had to be a better man.

And I remember now all of that.

Funny how that happens. The beginnings of attraction (or Love, if you take Stendhal's definition) make you remember all the reasons you've ever loved to begin with.

I think I believe that loving is a key foundation of humanity. A human without love is not a human at all.

And I haven't been very human lately.

Day 130: #doihaveyourattentionnow

 “Shh. Mark this.” The man put his finger to his lips and pointed forward. 

The empty seats in front of us slowly began to settle in, one family at a time, but I didn’t see this. I followed his finger towards the front, past the families being ushered to their seats, past the sounds of impatient children who wanted to see somebody make a fool of themselves onstage for a cheap laugh.

Another sound added itself to the mix. A large whoosh as gears and pulleys worked to pull the curtain back. Immediately a cool air flooded the room, filling every corner, smothering all sounds, drawing everyone’s attention to the front. The sudden drop of temperature sent a chill to my spine. The man next to me gave me a half-hearted crooked smile and lowered his finger.

There was a sudden, sharp sound of leather striking wood. I jerked my head to see the empty stage. Another step. Another, each step with more purpose than the second, a surety of foot as each step grew louder and louder. The Performer emerged from the empty black space, glided down center stage to the edge of the apron and thrust out his smoking hand with a sly smile. “Do I have your attention now?”

Day 129: Day 445

When one passion and life-goal is removed, it must be replaced if you ever wish to get out of the rut in which you live exist wallow.