Day 134: Authenticity, Pt. One

Authenticity. Desired by many, achieved by few. Being as close to the definition of you as possible. The Greeks theorized about a world of Souls, where the truest forms of all things existed, and earthly things were only valuable if they measured up closely to their true forms.

Here's what gets me though. I've been living these past five months as if the true me would show in all I do. If you had to make an effort to be yourself, was that really being yourself? So I didn't bother trying.

And I turned into a Monster.

I hated who I became. That hatred grew to define me. I took it out on others who'd been so close to me. I continued doing things I hated and swore I'd never do. Why? Because I enjoyed the self-hatred. Self-destruction became my hobby. My reputation and well being weren't important. Only the guilty pleasures I'd been denying myself since I'd arrived to Denton.

I think I'm barely starting to realize how much breaking up with Kaitlin shook me. That single event changed the direction of my life completely. My parents call it an answer to prayer and a drastic improvement. My brother, thought not nearly as outspoken, would probably agree. But they're thousands of miles away. They're not here to see the result, what's left of me. I mean, there are moments that I want to say the breakup destroyed me. My entire future plan hinged on her being a part of my life. And she was, until she wasn't. Until my selfish desires, my out of control libido, my shame of hiding from my parents' opinion, and whatever else happened to drive us apart.

At least one of us handled that well.

I'm a far cry from who I used to be. I've regressed - I've lost years from my maturity. I used to be worth listening to. I used to be a model for redemption. I used to be worth caring about. Quiet, humble, thoughtful, caring, loving, honest, professional; but I've destroyed or trampled over all I used to be worth. My reputation is ruined. My friends, few. My good qualities, muddied.

Everyone knows me for what I am: a waste of space and air. It would take a lifetime of effort to try and recover from that. It's already going to take that to regain my self-respect. But the terrible memories in this town are haunting. The best option, the easy option, is the nuclear option. New town, new people, no memories - just a nice clean slate with which to redeem myself. Heck, I'd take a new job to go with it. Even with a clean slate it'll take more effort than I've ever believed to make it through the rebuilding process.

Every building needs a foundation. I just need to find mine, and hold it tight.

What I am on my own, my true definition of who I am separate of everyone.
That has to be my foundation.