Day 38: Hasty

Hasty: 1. Eager precipitate; rash
(Websters 1828)
My definition: Me

Day 36-That-Was-Really-37 should've been posted today. It really should've, but I was hasty and posted it too soon because my mind had lept to conclusions. Dangerous. Unfortunately it is a decent sample of the way my brain works. I am hasty. I do things pre-emptively when they should probably done more post-emptively. I jump to conclusions so often that may be what has given me major knee issues. If I make a decision, I'm oft so resolute in that decision that I won't listen to reason. That's not really an issue were I the kind of guy that thought fully through his decisions. I seem to have this thought that I can get to what is the "Best" option quicker than everyone else because everyone thinks I'm smarter than they. Obviously we're all mistaken. This isn't the bad part; it's that I can't seem to fix it when I got out THERE (into the "real" world) and I just keep reverting to my old habits, which were pre-taking-Christianity-seriously and therefore need to be purged.

And over here, exhibit B.
I had a meeting with the "youth" (18-29) pastors at my church, I guess as kinda a lets-see-how-we-can-fit-you-in-the-church-now-that-you're-committed-to-the-worship-team-and-can't-up-and-leave meeting and they were all impressed by the "depth" of my answers and yadda yadda this and blabba blabba that. I realized (scarily) that I do a really good job of letting people see the Ben-of-good-decisions, and notsomuch the Ben-of-bad-decisions or even the conglomerate of the two. I just want the Ben - good-ole-me to pop out. And that's annoying to me, if it isn't to anyone else. The truth is, I'm afraid of the truth. What am I supposed to tell people I meet? "Oh yes, I've done this and that and this, that and all those other things. I don't have the t-shirt for it, but you see this gray hair? Oh and by the way these things I've done have all been recent. See I went on a wild streak back in the Spring and then in May I (re?)discovered God and that's all past. Your church is about redemption right?"The same goes for people I talk to, though there are some things that I don't have as much of a hard time admitting. Others. . .

Yeesh.

I've said all this to say,
I feel like an idiot and that I should apologize about posting 36/37 too early, but in light of everything, I won't. I'm not sure I'm ready.
I feel like a fake, but I have no earthly clue how to fix it, nor how to muster the courage to ask Him.
I am hasty, and I am so many other things I thought were gone but I'm apparently the best/worst host as I'll open the door for anyone.

Forgive me. Help Me. And I don't see a turtle nearing the finish line.


. no they'll never take the good years
. God i wish i would've learned

Day 36: Technically we're at 37

Ok yeah the title sucks. I get that. Anywho.

Closure: (1) the permanent ending of a business or activity; (4) Conclusion.
My definition: The end of a long struggle. The lifting of a burden.

It's amazing. There's nothing quite like a definitive answer. A conclusion. That's in some ways the greatest part of Lord of the Rings (when you read it and don't take the easy way out and watch the movies): Yes, it's a long book. Yes, sometimes it drags. But as it comes to its conclusion, and it's just this beautiful ending in so many ways, because Frodo receives what Healing there is in the West, and the entire world is healing, and everything is just perfect. It's a closure to everything tumultuous that happens in the books. It's a peaceful ending. That's one of the beauties of death. That was one of the beauties of my prolonged silence.

I am convinced that happiness is contentment. Being satisfied with where you are, not where you want to be. Wanting something else will just lead to a huge chain where you want something more and then something more and something more and it never ends. You have to be content with what you have.

And the truth of the matter is that even though I'm completely satisfied with God, I had a long-standing unclosed matter that needed closing. The matter is now closed, and it is such a sense of relief. That sounds strange, considering for 2 years plus she's been the girl of my dreams.{edit}. How is that relief? It's closure. Much needed closure. That's all that counts. There's a certain peace in closure, and I relish it.

And now I get to go live life and worry about the questions as they come.

Priceless

Ribbon: $1.94
Scissors: $2:17
Rose Bouquet: $16.94

Doing everything you want and being happy with it regardless of the outcome:


Priceless.

Day 35: Alive and Kicking and Breathing (and loving?)

So yes, I'm not dead, maimed, depressed, brokenhearted, busy, or avoiding you, my reader, but there is an exquisitely awesome reason to NOT post a blog, but it'll come soon enough. In the meantime while I wait to post that, I'll talk about a random thought that I had earlier, which was really just a few seconds ago, but "earlier" sounds cool and thoughtful and artsy-fartsy.

I suck at piano, let's get that out of the way. At the same time, I enjoy playing piano much in the same way that people who don't make a living out of singing love to sing. I'm sure my playing makes every piano prodigy cringe and go, "Is this guy a nutcase? That sounds HORRIBLE!". . . anywho. The feeling of the piano keys doesn't wow my mind.

I love art and good movies and awesome music, but they don't wow my ears or my senses in any measure that just makes me sit there and go, "Wow, that's really amazing/spellbinding/smashing/electric/jolly-good/yahoo-able/memorable." After two or three days it wears out, and that's just it. There's nothing left but the memory that I was happy at some point and time, and the awe will never be the same; it grows stale. Just about everything you name will be the same way save one: Love.

I probably need to just type love a thousand times a day to avoid overusing it in on this blog, but in all seriousness: Love and God are the two most powerful things I've encountered, in no particular order, because God IS Love. . .

. . . and love is real.

For those who care to know

I am not dead. I shall return soon after a while.