Day 118: The Courtroom of Life

There are some days where I'm sickened by Facebook. It's become a courtroom of sorts. As long as everything is going good in somebody's life, then it's all roses and cupcakes and sugar-free milkshakes (sugar isn't good for that diet we're on sister!). But the second something happens, i.e. a breakup, it becomes a trial. Everyone falls behind one person, supporting them, while badmouthing the other party involved. The judgement has been passed, and I've been found guilty.

It's hard enough learning to live alone again.
It's hard enough losing your best friend.
It's hard enough watching your future disappear.

It's even worse having to put up with accusations of infidelity, and everyone trying to make me the bad guy. People jump to conclusions so quickly and easily it's impossible to head things off. Naturally, its a break up. We're both going to be upset. We're both hurt and wounded. But why on G-d's green earth does there have to be opposite sides to the whole thing? Sometimes it's not cheating, lack of love, money issues, or anything else. Breakups happen. There doesn't have to be a bad guy to everything.

I still care for her, and I miss her dearly. But the only way we're ever going to get past it is by moving on. It would be nice to do so without having to put up with baseless accusations.

Day 117: The Pettiness of Pity

I'm so pitiful. And I hate it.
Once again I find myself pining over a girl that I've loved when she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Granted, the situation is a little changed from last time, given that the time I spent loving her we were actually in a relationship. I surely can't be expected to move on from eighteen months in just a week. These things take time I get that. But this was my future that I sacrificed and bled for that I lost. I fought against my family, and some of my friends, to do so.

Talking about it helps. Blogging helps too, but talking does help more. But one friend is a world away (or maybe just half), and there's a nagging voice in the back of my head that feels like a stupid idiot (the redundancy) for not being able to deal with it like a mature human being. Posting mopey facebook statuses, constantly checking their facebooks to wound myself more, it's just wallowing in my ever growing pool of blood.  

It's petty. It's pitiful. And I'll never move on like this.
Of course that begs the question, do I really want to move on?

That mankind would ever open up ourselves to such pain; to give someone else the keys to your happiness and watch them steal it away, is beyond comprehension. The trust that everything will go as planned and end in happiness is one in a billion. But that one in a billion is enough to make us spend our lives searching for it. If every break up hurts worse than the last, why do we continue to put ourselves through this?

Is it really worth it?

Day 116: Perception and Deceit

Plans are always subject to change until they happen. My dad has been telling me that since we lived in Mexico. To some measure of extent, it is true, but that's beside the point. I'm not here to nitpick that.

What was the plan?
Engagement on March 24th.
Marriage on July 14th.
Honeymoon in Colorado.
3/4 planned kids named;
and when we were gonna start with those.
Careers chosen.
Every major step of our lives for the next five years and some beyond was set in stone.

Last week it got changed to this.

Maybe get together in the future?

Saturday it became

Move on without each other, Learn from our mistakes.

Yesterday. . .
She moved on. And she looks so happy doing it.

To me, thats what love is. You serve them to bring them happiness and joy, and doing so brings you happiness and joy. It was the most amazing feeling to see her smile and know it was because of me.

But now. . . she seems happier than she has in recent months. More consistently anyways. And it's killing me inside.

What did I miss in that time? Where did everything go completely wrong?

And why must I live out my half of our plans without her here by my side?

Day 115: Mortal

I've never been punched in the gut.
I've never been shot in the gut.

I imagine this is what it feels like to be shot.

Day 114: The End of All Things

what am I on my own

what am "I" on my own

what am "I" on my own

"yes, my body did just as you implied
while some ghost we'll call 'I' idly watched through its eyes"
-mwY

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
-Romans 7:15

This is how I act.

Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm addicted to success. I've done so much that people no longer believe that I've done everything I say, and yet it's not enough. I want to do more. I want to prove to my parents, my family, my friends that I'm not a waste of breath and support: I can live up to my potential. I don't think I'd be satisfied with a movie that I wrote, directed, starred in, and wrote the score for, and won an Oscar in all of those categories. I'm not satisfied with being great. I must be the best, because then everyone's praise of me will be validated.

This is how I wish I was.
Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm a nice guy. Not the jerks who say they're nice and then go on and turn into something later on down the line. I am here for the sole purpose of loving and supporting the girl of my dreams, existing to ensure her happiness, which in turn brings me happiness. I want to wildly sweep her off her feet in ways she had never imagined would come true, say all the cheesy lines without even once thinking in the back of my head, "I sound like a really bad romantic comedy." I want to be the man that every girl dreams they could have, the real Prince Charming. When my funeral comes, I want the one thing that my family remembers is my unsurpassed level of devotion to my wife.

This is how I am.
Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm a jackass man-whore degenerate hormone driven driven by pleasure. That which gives me shallow satisfaction I pursue without regards to thought or morality. The shallow, the meaningless actions, one-night stands, it's all easy and second nature to me. I thrive on it. It gives me the carnal pleasures that feed my addictions without any of the responsibilities or emotional attachments of a relationship.

Hello, my name is Ben. And today, I don't feel like I deserve to live. 

Day 113: This is the End.

Not how I imagined saying goodbye.

Day 112: Hindsight

It's hard to try to move forward without looking back.

Day 111: Alive

I'm sickened by compassion.

I'm stifled by my limitations.

Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away.