And doing a million kazillion other things. So stay tuned.
This is really what's left.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Day 109: Complete Ignorance
I was going to do this, and then I wasn't, and then I was, and then I wasn't. . .
Well now I am.
Over the next sixty days I'll be blogging the countdown of my favorite thirty albums, one every other day, which should bring my #1 album pretty close to Christmas. If you haven't quite guessed, this is kinda being thrown together on the fly.
I'll start tomorrow. I have to go compile a list now lol. I know my top 5. It's the others that are going to give me fits.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Day 108: A New Angle
Ok, before I spout off, let's get to a common foundation. Supposedly, a common foundation will help ensure that you can follow the argument laid herein, and will at least be able to understand, if not agree with it. Not really sure if this will be an argument. Not really sure what it will be at all actually. I suppose that's the beauty of writing in the flow.
The title of this blog was originally Stumbler's Paradise, a cute little nonsenical phrase that was meant to illustrate that I knew nothing, but I would stumble upon greatness and be oh so blessed to share it with the world at hand, a. k. a. you, my fourteen readers. (Correction, there are eleven of you, unless there are just some floating in cyberspace that I don't know about.) Let's be honest. That's fairly egotistical, with a pinch of humility, and that humility is swimming in an ocean of ego.
I eventually realized the error of my ways and retitled the blog, what am I on my own? (This is an allusion to the period of my writing where I loved writing complete sentences with no capitalizations (except for references to God), ending in a period. Yes the blog title was a question mark, but that question mark alludes to a period. I'm sure of it. I think.
The burning question right now isn't "what am I on my own?". I know I'm nothing. That's besides the point. I suppose right now the burning question is WHO am I? I suppose my ego has been blinding me, so I'll ask a series of questions, we'll look at the facts, and we'll go from there.
Am I the kid who graduated high school in two years with a 4.6 GPA, and on the side writing loads of poetry and short stories illustrating my love to one of four individuals (depending what point of high school we talk about), participating in theater even though I wasn't there to pursue a career, playing guitar to sate my need of performing that theater somehow couldn't satisfy?
Am I the kid who grew up in small towns of as little as 24 people and as much as 81,000 (technically I was outside of city limits), one who learned to cope with few quality friends that I managed to lose over the years as we all went our separate ways and somehow succeeding in replacing those deep relationships with surface ones that just don't fill the void?
Am I the artist, the guy who can write poetry, play music, direct, act, write novels, et al, seemingly on natural talent even though I cultivate just about none of it on a consistent basis and just kinda skip around until something grows stale and old because when I get right down to it, I can't think of anything burning to share with the world and neither do I feel like I have much to say?
Am I the guy who has suffered doomed relationships through his high school career leading to mistakes in college that I never meant to make, somehow righting everything in the span of four months to jump into the greatest relationship I could ever dream of, while still suffering from the consequences of my past choices?
Am I the counselor who can seemingly give the right advice in the right situation, while struggling in my own friendships and the like because I can't think of the way to fix anything?
Am I the guy who once could speak two languages fluently enough to be confused as a Mexican and an American, but yet the speech therapy has worn off to where my normally crystalline stage voice has been reduced to a blubbering voice that no one can understand anymore?
Am I the guy who feels called to teach religiously in some manner, and yet despite a history of choosing willingly to drop everything and become a missionary in the past, I don't feel like I can really fulfill the role I'm called to, choosing to skip church because I'm avoiding the issue?
Am I the easy going guy who's difficult to get a long with?
Funny thing is, I've had at least two people point out every deficiency above. but I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. Sure, I'm making it, I suppose, but I've spent so long sweeping the dirt under the rug. It's gotten bad enough I can't ignore it anymore, but I still feel so. . . undeserving (Damnit! I hate using that word).
Am I a paradox?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Day 107 : The Birthday Letter
Dearest Kaitlin,
Yes, I do realize that today is September 18th, which is a full week after your birthday. I've spent some measure of nights trying to write you a lovely story to melt your heart. Why write a story in the first place? Well, you did once point out that I don't write much about you, and I stand by my reply: I don't have to, because you have become my artistic outlet. But, what can I get you on your birthday that no one else can? Words, a story that no one else can own; that's what I wanted to give to you. But at 4am it hit me that I don't need fiction to hold your attention; it's something you give freely to me, deserved or no.
Yes, I do realize that today is September 18th, which is a full week after your birthday. I've spent some measure of nights trying to write you a lovely story to melt your heart. Why write a story in the first place? Well, you did once point out that I don't write much about you, and I stand by my reply: I don't have to, because you have become my artistic outlet. But, what can I get you on your birthday that no one else can? Words, a story that no one else can own; that's what I wanted to give to you. But at 4am it hit me that I don't need fiction to hold your attention; it's something you give freely to me, deserved or no.
And having your attention, I would like to write a few more words.
You are an exquisitely beautiful person, but that beauty is only beginning to bloom inside you. With every choice you make, that rose will either bloom faster or slower; and with enough choices that bloom could be put on hold. This, in some ways, was the single cause for me wanting to wait for a year to pass after graduation to marry you: I wanted to give you enough time to mature fully before I married you. The bloom is more enticing than the bud, I reasoned.
Why is that? Why should the bloom be the prize? If the bud is going to bloom into the flower, then what difference does it make. Is it not enough to watch the bud grow to maturity?
I must confess, I do not know. However, I do know this. Krager once asked me if I thought I was settling, or in as few words and as plainly as I can put it, choosing a second class girl because there wasn't a first class girl around. It has never once crossed my mind that I might be settling; I know I'm not. However, it sounds strange to say that, as you are now, you're exactly what I've always pictured in my mind. In truth, I don't believe you are yet. In short, I'm certain I have the right flower, but I know you haven't quite bloomed yet.
What does a Kaitlin flower look like? Should I tell you? What right does any person have to say, "This is how you should be." I find that terribly presumptuous. You've been through things I've never been able to wrap my head around, and there are some nights I'm afraid that I might one day understand them because they are so dark. But yet, strangely enough, I don't see scars or past cares or worries in your smile. If you carry baggage, it's completely forgotten in your happiness. You are who you are, Kaitlin. Thankfully, no one can live it for you. And I trust that you can make the right decisions to bloom properly. Until then, I will wait until graduation, when we finally wed.
I find myself overwhelmed by you now; I can't imagine how beautiful you will become (Truthfully, you are more beautiful day by day).
I love you, Kaitlin.
Rest well in Him.
Benjamin Knox Gathright
Friday, September 9, 2011
Day 106: Shelled
Recently, while in Tennessee trying to act like I was the next big writer, Ted Dekker (who IS a big writer) said that writers are a unique breed of people that are defined by 3 major characteristics:
Observation, Empathy, and Perseverance.
I observe. I was a (low-level) stalker in High school, after all. Yeah, it was kinda creepy, I get that, but without defending it, I have grown out of it.
I persevere. I'm pretty hard headed about things once I set my mind.
Empathy. . . is not my strong suit. I'm rather callous, and that just comes from. . . well I don't know where it comes from. But I'm pretty even keeled. Zen almost. . . usually. Work does a good job of getting under my skin. But empathy? Not in the least. I'm cold hearted. I've never even cried at a funeral for people I knew. My grandmother? Nope.
And then Dennis Whaley died. I felt deeply saddened because he was such a dear old man.
Time passed.
Lawton died. I cried for an hour. Honestly, I don't think I've ever cried longer, for anything.
There are times where I realize that I'm tearing up like I'm gonna cry for things I used to bat an eye at, and I begin to wonder. Am I being shelled?
When you boil an egg and remove the shell, you're left with the egg in a pretty solid but still easily crumbly state. But in the shell, the boiled egg is pretty unusable. You could try eating it, but the shell is still pretty sharp. You need to shell it before you can use it.
This is wishful thinking, but more than that, what if I am being shelled?
To be used! Wouldn't that be something?
Observation, Empathy, and Perseverance.
I observe. I was a (low-level) stalker in High school, after all. Yeah, it was kinda creepy, I get that, but without defending it, I have grown out of it.
I persevere. I'm pretty hard headed about things once I set my mind.
Empathy. . . is not my strong suit. I'm rather callous, and that just comes from. . . well I don't know where it comes from. But I'm pretty even keeled. Zen almost. . . usually. Work does a good job of getting under my skin. But empathy? Not in the least. I'm cold hearted. I've never even cried at a funeral for people I knew. My grandmother? Nope.
And then Dennis Whaley died. I felt deeply saddened because he was such a dear old man.
Time passed.
Lawton died. I cried for an hour. Honestly, I don't think I've ever cried longer, for anything.
There are times where I realize that I'm tearing up like I'm gonna cry for things I used to bat an eye at, and I begin to wonder. Am I being shelled?
When you boil an egg and remove the shell, you're left with the egg in a pretty solid but still easily crumbly state. But in the shell, the boiled egg is pretty unusable. You could try eating it, but the shell is still pretty sharp. You need to shell it before you can use it.
This is wishful thinking, but more than that, what if I am being shelled?
To be used! Wouldn't that be something?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Day 105: Facebook Friends List
You're more than I could ever be. . .
And I would give anything to see you shine.
Just like you used to.
- Windsor Drive, "Shine"
I really couldn't think of a title so my original title for the day is "Facebook Friends List". We'll see if it makes the final cut.
I was kinda bored today. I had to call in sick for work because of that stupid virus going around, so I was at home all day so it was all movies and games and pizza (I didn't feel like cooking, OK?) which got boring before I got to the pizza. I watched the Da Vinci Code (I wanted to see what all the fuss was about), I Am Number Four (I was gonna see if I was really supposed to capitalize "am", but the movie wasn't worth it) and Thor (it came recommended). So that's like five movies in the past week, which makes me feel incredibly lazy.
I was still bored after Thor (I know! How can I still be bored after a chest-beating action movie? I was) so I was going through my Facebook friends list. I got through the A's OK, but in the B's I ran across Lawton (technically it's his middle name, but it's the name I know him by) and I teared up. When my parents were up yesterday he was the root of the conversation, and every time I think of him, I think of how much I miss him. It's hard knowing that I traded $62 for my last chance to see him before he passed, and at times I wonder how much I've bought into this whole American success thing. These, and other thoughts, troubled me when I passed his name and picture. And then I got to the D's, and there was Dennis Whaley, an old EU guy who was a lot like Lawton -- always encouraging, always positive, and always ready to turn to the Lord -- and he's passed on as well.
That's right. Two of my 310 friends on Facebook are dead. Physically anyways.
At least forty of them, I've met equal to or less than once, and there are still at least two hundred others I do not talk to more than once a month if that much.
Hmmm that leaves me with 70 people or so. I honestly don't even think it's that many.
Keaton's been on this tangent lately about how everything that America touches comes out ridiculous. It's ridiculous, for example, that people just can't get up and go to Africa for 3 months to find God without calling anyone because we have 'responsibilities' to family, friends, work, and/or housing. There are some things I agree with him on, and there are others that I think he's way off base. Am I really a tool because I won't give three months of my life to go live in Yosemite because I'm working towards a marriage and a future?
I think not. But he thinks differently.
I do agree with him on this. Facebook has taken the definition of 'Friend' and trashed it. Friend's lists aren't friends lists. Their lists of people's names to their personal pages where you can find out all that they post about themselves, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're friends.
Let's go ahead and define friend
1. somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another
"I know her, in fact she's a friend of mine."
2. acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else
"I have a friend at the office who might be able to help out."
3. ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy
"You can say what you like about the principal; you're among friends here."
1 would be my definition. 2 would be better off filed under acquaintance, and 3 is ally obviously. But Facebook takes all 3 and shoves them all into one list (and even to people that you have never met in your in lifetime). I've cleaned out my friends list before, and it went from 536 to 197. Now it's back up to 310, and the last guy I confirmed was someone I'd never met. But my point is (since I feel like I'm rambling and missing my point) that quite honestly, half the people I would call friend aren't even on my friends list, and the ones that are can be counted on my digits. Probably just my hands actually.
I'm still struggling with Day 103, and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm extremely unhappy with where I am. I'm impatient. I want to get out of school (and quit taking basics dammit! Wait. . . I probably shouldn't say that. What the cuss! Well that was no better.) and start my job because once I start teaching, I'll be making a salary, and then I can support a family. Thats where I want to be. Ok, so we're not technically engaged yet, but we're 'engaged to be engaged' as my mom put it and I told her that we'd marry next July. I want to be a man of my word. But I've also said that I wouldn't marry her until she was a year out of school, which would coincidentally be the year I graduated and could get a job. So either way I choose, I'm pretty much stomping on that reputation I've been working so hard to get [back, if at all possible].
If it were my son, I'd tell him to wait until he graduated. But I've been away from her for less than two months, and it's gnawing at the both of us. It's incredibly difficult, and it feels like more than just two measly months. I know what i tell my parents about waiting another 21 months to wait until after graduation, but I also know what I'd tell my kid.
And that's where all of my struggles are. I try to be a better person, but I'm seemingly especially thorough when it comes to littering all over my plans.
Oh kapooey. That isn't better either.
Click.
And I would give anything to see you shine.
Just like you used to.
- Windsor Drive, "Shine"
I really couldn't think of a title so my original title for the day is "Facebook Friends List". We'll see if it makes the final cut.
I was kinda bored today. I had to call in sick for work because of that stupid virus going around, so I was at home all day so it was all movies and games and pizza (I didn't feel like cooking, OK?) which got boring before I got to the pizza. I watched the Da Vinci Code (I wanted to see what all the fuss was about), I Am Number Four (I was gonna see if I was really supposed to capitalize "am", but the movie wasn't worth it) and Thor (it came recommended). So that's like five movies in the past week, which makes me feel incredibly lazy.
I was still bored after Thor (I know! How can I still be bored after a chest-beating action movie? I was) so I was going through my Facebook friends list. I got through the A's OK, but in the B's I ran across Lawton (technically it's his middle name, but it's the name I know him by) and I teared up. When my parents were up yesterday he was the root of the conversation, and every time I think of him, I think of how much I miss him. It's hard knowing that I traded $62 for my last chance to see him before he passed, and at times I wonder how much I've bought into this whole American success thing. These, and other thoughts, troubled me when I passed his name and picture. And then I got to the D's, and there was Dennis Whaley, an old EU guy who was a lot like Lawton -- always encouraging, always positive, and always ready to turn to the Lord -- and he's passed on as well.
That's right. Two of my 310 friends on Facebook are dead. Physically anyways.
At least forty of them, I've met equal to or less than once, and there are still at least two hundred others I do not talk to more than once a month if that much.
Hmmm that leaves me with 70 people or so. I honestly don't even think it's that many.
Keaton's been on this tangent lately about how everything that America touches comes out ridiculous. It's ridiculous, for example, that people just can't get up and go to Africa for 3 months to find God without calling anyone because we have 'responsibilities' to family, friends, work, and/or housing. There are some things I agree with him on, and there are others that I think he's way off base. Am I really a tool because I won't give three months of my life to go live in Yosemite because I'm working towards a marriage and a future?
I think not. But he thinks differently.
I do agree with him on this. Facebook has taken the definition of 'Friend' and trashed it. Friend's lists aren't friends lists. Their lists of people's names to their personal pages where you can find out all that they post about themselves, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're friends.
Let's go ahead and define friend
1. somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another
"I know her, in fact she's a friend of mine."
2. acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else
"I have a friend at the office who might be able to help out."
3. ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy
"You can say what you like about the principal; you're among friends here."
1 would be my definition. 2 would be better off filed under acquaintance, and 3 is ally obviously. But Facebook takes all 3 and shoves them all into one list (and even to people that you have never met in your in lifetime). I've cleaned out my friends list before, and it went from 536 to 197. Now it's back up to 310, and the last guy I confirmed was someone I'd never met. But my point is (since I feel like I'm rambling and missing my point) that quite honestly, half the people I would call friend aren't even on my friends list, and the ones that are can be counted on my digits. Probably just my hands actually.
I'm still struggling with Day 103, and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm extremely unhappy with where I am. I'm impatient. I want to get out of school (and quit taking basics dammit! Wait. . . I probably shouldn't say that. What the cuss! Well that was no better.) and start my job because once I start teaching, I'll be making a salary, and then I can support a family. Thats where I want to be. Ok, so we're not technically engaged yet, but we're 'engaged to be engaged' as my mom put it and I told her that we'd marry next July. I want to be a man of my word. But I've also said that I wouldn't marry her until she was a year out of school, which would coincidentally be the year I graduated and could get a job. So either way I choose, I'm pretty much stomping on that reputation I've been working so hard to get [back, if at all possible].
If it were my son, I'd tell him to wait until he graduated. But I've been away from her for less than two months, and it's gnawing at the both of us. It's incredibly difficult, and it feels like more than just two measly months. I know what i tell my parents about waiting another 21 months to wait until after graduation, but I also know what I'd tell my kid.
And that's where all of my struggles are. I try to be a better person, but I'm seemingly especially thorough when it comes to littering all over my plans.
Oh kapooey. That isn't better either.
Click.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day 104: Enough
So I watched two movies in the past coupla days. The second one was Mystic River, which besides some superb acting has nothing to do at all with this blog. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. It reminded me why I've always loved acting. True, I didn't get back into it in High school because it was fun (it's always a girl, isn't it?), but from then on I've always enjoyed it even if I never really invested much time and effort outside of practice into it (A mistake). Anywho.
The first movie I watched, Wednesday night I believe, was The Adjustment Bureau. Maybe it didn't have the richest story, but the idea of it was interesting. Guy falls in love with girl, but these angel-esque/bureau dudes are constantly trying to break them up because it doesn't follow the Plan written by the Chairman. The Plan is basically that she will go on to become a world-famous ballet dancer and choreographer, and he'll go on to be President (youngest President since Kennedy if my calculations are right; they never really say) but neither of those things happen if they stay together. She teaches 6 year olds and he drops out of the politics scene.
In one of the key scenes, David (Mr. President-to-be) is basically yelling and screaming at one of the bureau dudes, trying to figure out what's so wrong if they choose to be together. After all, what's a little free will? The bureau's response was interesting to say the least, "[It's so wrong to be with her] because she's enough." In short, she fills the void and the all the ambition in politics he has, and her in dancing, becomes moot. Why be ambitious and try and grab more when you have all you need?
That's been a question I've been tossing about in my head a little. Truthfully, it's because I don't feel at home in Denton. I really haven't felt at home in the States at all since I got back from Mexico, at least in the sense of location. I feel at home around Kaitlin, and my family, and in worship, but without them everything is empty; devoid of meaning. Like it's just life going through the motions to keep up this little charade so I look like I'm still enjoying life. And that's not the truth. I'm borderline depressed up here. It's class/work/sleep all the time, and I work my tail off 40 hours a week (no breaks) to scratch a living out of the woodwork. It's not fulfilling at all.
In the movie, fulfillment was found in following the Chairman's (RE: God's) Plan, and I haven't been shy about the fact that I feel like God is saying "Go this way" and I'm purposefully not because I don't want to by hypocritical. I've known the path all of my life and I never found good enough reason to follow it for my own life because I wanted what I wanted, and it was far from the Path that I was supposed to be on. I don't feel it to be right for me to go to the pulpit and scream at the gathered and say "FOLLOW GOD'S PATH". Corny analogies aside, that thought disturbs me.
But I'm also worried that after a couple years of teaching, I'll still have this unsettled feeling. And that scares me more.
The first movie I watched, Wednesday night I believe, was The Adjustment Bureau. Maybe it didn't have the richest story, but the idea of it was interesting. Guy falls in love with girl, but these angel-esque/bureau dudes are constantly trying to break them up because it doesn't follow the Plan written by the Chairman. The Plan is basically that she will go on to become a world-famous ballet dancer and choreographer, and he'll go on to be President (youngest President since Kennedy if my calculations are right; they never really say) but neither of those things happen if they stay together. She teaches 6 year olds and he drops out of the politics scene.
In one of the key scenes, David (Mr. President-to-be) is basically yelling and screaming at one of the bureau dudes, trying to figure out what's so wrong if they choose to be together. After all, what's a little free will? The bureau's response was interesting to say the least, "[It's so wrong to be with her] because she's enough." In short, she fills the void and the all the ambition in politics he has, and her in dancing, becomes moot. Why be ambitious and try and grab more when you have all you need?
That's been a question I've been tossing about in my head a little. Truthfully, it's because I don't feel at home in Denton. I really haven't felt at home in the States at all since I got back from Mexico, at least in the sense of location. I feel at home around Kaitlin, and my family, and in worship, but without them everything is empty; devoid of meaning. Like it's just life going through the motions to keep up this little charade so I look like I'm still enjoying life. And that's not the truth. I'm borderline depressed up here. It's class/work/sleep all the time, and I work my tail off 40 hours a week (no breaks) to scratch a living out of the woodwork. It's not fulfilling at all.
In the movie, fulfillment was found in following the Chairman's (RE: God's) Plan, and I haven't been shy about the fact that I feel like God is saying "Go this way" and I'm purposefully not because I don't want to by hypocritical. I've known the path all of my life and I never found good enough reason to follow it for my own life because I wanted what I wanted, and it was far from the Path that I was supposed to be on. I don't feel it to be right for me to go to the pulpit and scream at the gathered and say "FOLLOW GOD'S PATH". Corny analogies aside, that thought disturbs me.
But I'm also worried that after a couple years of teaching, I'll still have this unsettled feeling. And that scares me more.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 103: Introspective
As iron sharpens iron so does one man another
And that's what God intended us to do (Psalm 27:17) - CHL/David
“When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold, because they believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful” - Barbara Bloom
(Oh yes I know there are fragments in here. Trademarks are on the way!)
It's funny to think that when this blog started as Stumblers Paradise last May (my God; it's been only a year? Feels like two), I was in the process of rebuilding my life. June 4-6, I had gotten out of my first pseudo-serious relationship, and I was in the return stage of my prodigal journey. I was rediscovering G-d, and in the process rediscovering myself. They say that you really step into your own in your first year of college, but for me it was probably the summer after when I finally did all the growing up I had/desperately needed to do. I became the man, Benjamin Knox Gathright, that a lot of people (including my parents for sure) were waiting to see.
And it was a very beautiful time of my life. The cracks were filled with gold and it was Beauty that resuscitated me.
I began to feel like I could live. Like I could exist, I could be! I began to hope.
Then in July I ran into another soul, and I decided this was my chance to see how far I'd come. I thought before I spoke. I was careful in my dealings, respectful of her privacy and our modesty (well what was left of mine). I went from making out in the backseat of a Jeep to standing on a porch for four hours just talking -- no physical contact whatsoever -- because I wanted to know who the person was.
Eventually it progressed, and one night after a failed attempt to show off by picking her up (I'm weak, she's not overweight in the least), I gave her a very innocent kiss. The memory of that night. . . is not vivid, but the emotions it stirs up are overwhelming. It was just a beautiful night, shared by two beautiful people both healing from wounds.
Time progressed and we got the parents permission to start dating, because I wanted to do things the way I want my kids to do it. Properly. Courting really. Falling in love is more than hugs and kisses and exposed skin. It's the bonding of two hearts, being knit together carefully and passionately (I hate using that word because I'm not trying to be sexual about it. How we have ruined the English language so!). I want my kids to come to me and ask for advice on the one they meet. I want to meet that other person. Get to know them. Have my kids wait until marriage (that is NOT an antiquated idea. It's still my biggest regret).
So I did my best to follow my own rules. And I slipped up a few times along the way. I did at one point refer to myself as the Stumbler after all.
Those slip ups have been eating at me in the. . . [is it already a week now?] since I last saw her. It started feeling like I wasn't really committed to her, as in who she is underneath the blood and bone, but just out of indifference. It didn't feel as strong as it used to. (Keep reading. Believe me, the end [of the blog] is amazing. If you're tearing up, just think about how often I'm wiping the keyboard.) Over the course of the week it also came out that my parents found out about my plans to propose. . . and it wasn't the way I wanted them to find out. So I talked to my brother. We had a good long chat (well it was really more him rambling on while I listened and gave him slight nudges as to what I needed to hear), and he said things. . . things I once believed, but no longer did.
I've done a lot of soul searching since. It's been rough. I've cried. I've laughed. I've reminisced. I've shouted. I've whispered. I've apologized. I could go on with this list for a pretty big paragraph but let's cut it short because that's not the part you need to read, or the part that I need to type/say. Like I said, rough couple of days.
But then I realized where I was. And I was a lot closer to where I was at the start of this blog than I felt comfortable with. I don't want to be anywhere near the start of that blog where I was all scratched and dinged up. But that's how I felt. I looked down, and I realized the truth -- I am deteriorating fast. And I need to get to back to where I need to be.
I've been rethinking my immediate (RE: 1-3 years) future, and my plans for such. At some point I'll need to sit down with Kaitlin (since yes, we are still together. That has never been a question) and we'll need to discuss all of this, but with our schedules who knows when that will be.
In the meantime, I suppose I should remind myself of something.
The summer mantra:
Respect Women
Respect Parents
-Respect & Follow God-
and
I've said all this to say,
I feel like an idiot and that I should apologize, but in light of everything, I won't. I'm not sure I'm ready.
I feel like a fake, but I have no earthly clue how to fix it, nor how to muster the courage to ask Him.
I am hasty, and I am so many other things I thought were gone.
I need something more than me.
no they'll never take the good years
God i wish i would've learned -William Fitzsimmons
And that's what God intended us to do (Psalm 27:17) - CHL/David
“When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold, because they believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful” - Barbara Bloom
(Oh yes I know there are fragments in here. Trademarks are on the way!)
It's funny to think that when this blog started as Stumblers Paradise last May (my God; it's been only a year? Feels like two), I was in the process of rebuilding my life. June 4-6, I had gotten out of my first pseudo-serious relationship, and I was in the return stage of my prodigal journey. I was rediscovering G-d, and in the process rediscovering myself. They say that you really step into your own in your first year of college, but for me it was probably the summer after when I finally did all the growing up I had/desperately needed to do. I became the man, Benjamin Knox Gathright, that a lot of people (including my parents for sure) were waiting to see.
And it was a very beautiful time of my life. The cracks were filled with gold and it was Beauty that resuscitated me.
I began to feel like I could live. Like I could exist, I could be! I began to hope.
Then in July I ran into another soul, and I decided this was my chance to see how far I'd come. I thought before I spoke. I was careful in my dealings, respectful of her privacy and our modesty (well what was left of mine). I went from making out in the backseat of a Jeep to standing on a porch for four hours just talking -- no physical contact whatsoever -- because I wanted to know who the person was.
Eventually it progressed, and one night after a failed attempt to show off by picking her up (I'm weak, she's not overweight in the least), I gave her a very innocent kiss. The memory of that night. . . is not vivid, but the emotions it stirs up are overwhelming. It was just a beautiful night, shared by two beautiful people both healing from wounds.
Time progressed and we got the parents permission to start dating, because I wanted to do things the way I want my kids to do it. Properly. Courting really. Falling in love is more than hugs and kisses and exposed skin. It's the bonding of two hearts, being knit together carefully and passionately (I hate using that word because I'm not trying to be sexual about it. How we have ruined the English language so!). I want my kids to come to me and ask for advice on the one they meet. I want to meet that other person. Get to know them. Have my kids wait until marriage (that is NOT an antiquated idea. It's still my biggest regret).
So I did my best to follow my own rules. And I slipped up a few times along the way. I did at one point refer to myself as the Stumbler after all.
Those slip ups have been eating at me in the. . . [is it already a week now?] since I last saw her. It started feeling like I wasn't really committed to her, as in who she is underneath the blood and bone, but just out of indifference. It didn't feel as strong as it used to. (Keep reading. Believe me, the end [of the blog] is amazing. If you're tearing up, just think about how often I'm wiping the keyboard.) Over the course of the week it also came out that my parents found out about my plans to propose. . . and it wasn't the way I wanted them to find out. So I talked to my brother. We had a good long chat (well it was really more him rambling on while I listened and gave him slight nudges as to what I needed to hear), and he said things. . . things I once believed, but no longer did.
I've done a lot of soul searching since. It's been rough. I've cried. I've laughed. I've reminisced. I've shouted. I've whispered. I've apologized. I could go on with this list for a pretty big paragraph but let's cut it short because that's not the part you need to read, or the part that I need to type/say. Like I said, rough couple of days.
But then I realized where I was. And I was a lot closer to where I was at the start of this blog than I felt comfortable with. I don't want to be anywhere near the start of that blog where I was all scratched and dinged up. But that's how I felt. I looked down, and I realized the truth -- I am deteriorating fast. And I need to get to back to where I need to be.
I've been rethinking my immediate (RE: 1-3 years) future, and my plans for such. At some point I'll need to sit down with Kaitlin (since yes, we are still together. That has never been a question) and we'll need to discuss all of this, but with our schedules who knows when that will be.
In the meantime, I suppose I should remind myself of something.
The summer mantra:
Respect Women
Respect Parents
-Respect & Follow God-
and
I've said all this to say,
I feel like an idiot and that I should apologize, but in light of everything, I won't. I'm not sure I'm ready.
I feel like a fake, but I have no earthly clue how to fix it, nor how to muster the courage to ask Him.
I am hasty, and I am so many other things I thought were gone.
I need something more than me.
no they'll never take the good years
God i wish i would've learned -William Fitzsimmons
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Day 102: Alone
So for everything You left,
and all of the glory You forfeit,
no matter how low You were sent,
you still couldn't know what it's like to be alone.
Disgraced but You were never alone.
Betrayed but You were never alone.
Tortured but still never alone
and nothing is worse than being alone.
-- My Epic, "Alone"
Well It's almost midnight and I was all like, "I'm totally gonna write! I got this *deleted to protect secrecy of next project* project I need to work on!" Then I was all like, "Nah brah, I'm going to blog man!"
So I'm blogging.
Here's what scares me. You see all these movies and hear these stories of successful men who were entrepreneurs in their own way, and they made millions but they could never work it out with wife #1, 2, or the five girlfriends after them. So they get all the success and accomplishments and the ability to really just do what you want (because, let's face it, as long as it's legal you can do pretty much anything with $100 million USD) but they have no one to share it with. And that hurts me just seeing it because I love giving gifts. You can't give gifts unless there's someone to receive it. I don't want to end up alone when this is all said and done. That's now how I want to be at 40.
But in reality that shouldn't be a problem. And I don't think it will be a problem; but thinking and knowing are two different things. It's hard to totally block out everyone who keeps ragging on age and maturity (for one or both of us) and how the lack of whichever one they see will break us up before I've been gone a month. Worse still when it just happened to one of them who had their Fiancee of 14 months move away and the next week they were separated for good. I don't want to go through any separation, be it the end of the relationship or the distance between us.
I told myself I was going to condition us for the separation. I was going to slowly see her less and less so that way the move wouldn't be a big deal. That didn't happen. Getting to spend the night with her once or twice was a huge treat, and, what can I say, I want to have that every night. I want to run to a chapel and marry her on the spot. I don't feel like waiting an entire year dammit! This needs to happen soon. For whatever reason, I feel like saying "I Do" is beating the final boss, and then I get to enjoy the prize of winning for the rest of my life.
Because I wouldn't make it alone at 40 as successful as I could be.
And for those going, "Well there's always other fish in the sea. . . " I have two things to say.
"Yes, but all the rest of them are magikarps"
And
I promised her she'd be the last, and not just to make her feel good. If I had to endure another breakup, the cons of a relationship would far outweigh the benefits. It hurts too damn much.
I suppose that's all I have for tonight. Goodnight.
and all of the glory You forfeit,
no matter how low You were sent,
you still couldn't know what it's like to be alone.
Disgraced but You were never alone.
Betrayed but You were never alone.
Tortured but still never alone
and nothing is worse than being alone.
-- My Epic, "Alone"
Well It's almost midnight and I was all like, "I'm totally gonna write! I got this *deleted to protect secrecy of next project* project I need to work on!" Then I was all like, "Nah brah, I'm going to blog man!"
So I'm blogging.
Here's what scares me. You see all these movies and hear these stories of successful men who were entrepreneurs in their own way, and they made millions but they could never work it out with wife #1, 2, or the five girlfriends after them. So they get all the success and accomplishments and the ability to really just do what you want (because, let's face it, as long as it's legal you can do pretty much anything with $100 million USD) but they have no one to share it with. And that hurts me just seeing it because I love giving gifts. You can't give gifts unless there's someone to receive it. I don't want to end up alone when this is all said and done. That's now how I want to be at 40.
But in reality that shouldn't be a problem. And I don't think it will be a problem; but thinking and knowing are two different things. It's hard to totally block out everyone who keeps ragging on age and maturity (for one or both of us) and how the lack of whichever one they see will break us up before I've been gone a month. Worse still when it just happened to one of them who had their Fiancee of 14 months move away and the next week they were separated for good. I don't want to go through any separation, be it the end of the relationship or the distance between us.
I told myself I was going to condition us for the separation. I was going to slowly see her less and less so that way the move wouldn't be a big deal. That didn't happen. Getting to spend the night with her once or twice was a huge treat, and, what can I say, I want to have that every night. I want to run to a chapel and marry her on the spot. I don't feel like waiting an entire year dammit! This needs to happen soon. For whatever reason, I feel like saying "I Do" is beating the final boss, and then I get to enjoy the prize of winning for the rest of my life.
Because I wouldn't make it alone at 40 as successful as I could be.
And for those going, "Well there's always other fish in the sea. . . " I have two things to say.
"Yes, but all the rest of them are magikarps"
And
I promised her she'd be the last, and not just to make her feel good. If I had to endure another breakup, the cons of a relationship would far outweigh the benefits. It hurts too damn much.
I suppose that's all I have for tonight. Goodnight.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Day 101: Dearness, Nearness, and everything that there is a lack thereof.
Ok so its been a while and my posts are becoming unfrequent. I get that. Maybe this means they're more valuable I'm not sure. Anywho's, let's get down to business.
Writing full time has definitely not taken off. Trying to be a fiance, a manager at a fast food restaurant, and a member of another family doesn't leave much free time, and let's face it, I don't want to work my life away. So I play video games, and by the time this happens I realize I don't have a lot of time to be writing, and so I write fast enough, which is usually like a thousand words an hour in two hour spurts. But full time is ten thousand words a week, and I'm hitting maybe 3 or 4. A little behind to say the least.
Whataburger. . . Actually no moving.
Moving.... well I am moving up to Denton which is about an hour away from here, which coincidentally is just far enough I can't make semi-frequent trips back to see the fiance I'm leaving behind. I won't lie. As the move date has gotten closer, things seem more stressed. I'm more stressed, thats for sure. Having to work is hard enough, but with everything on my plate, dreading leaving, and everything else life has me stressed out. I feel like crying most days, and I do cry on others. I get the feeling I don't get to spend enough time with Kaitlin, but there is simply no time to spend with her. (And for the record, I am not playing the XBOX all that much if at all anymore for the time being. If I say there isn't time, there isn't time.) It's STRESSFUL. I'm mostly packed and its not that the packing or planning rubs my nerves, but its just the idea of moving that drives me up the wall I guess.
Whataburger. After I move, I'll still be working there. Moving along.
Back to writing actually. I received a full scholarship to a writers symposium led by Ted Dekker and the gang, so I'll get to meet him for the second time, and this time I've attended the college he attended back in the day.
Oh wait, you don't believe I met him?
http://a4.l3-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/22/256bb9da2bf760d6982502ac17b7f4d6/l.jpg
Anywhos, so the scholarship saved me 700, and the plane, hotel and all that has been paid for by friends and connections. So I'm getting to go on the trip of a lifetime for free virtually. Take that suckers! In all honesty, I'm shocked that this has all come together in the last 48 hours, but somehow it's happened. It's either the most amazing of accidents, or the greatest blessing. I'm probably seeming bipolar since I'm so excited about this and so down about everything else.
But that's my life I suppose. It should improve. . . eventually.
Writing full time has definitely not taken off. Trying to be a fiance, a manager at a fast food restaurant, and a member of another family doesn't leave much free time, and let's face it, I don't want to work my life away. So I play video games, and by the time this happens I realize I don't have a lot of time to be writing, and so I write fast enough, which is usually like a thousand words an hour in two hour spurts. But full time is ten thousand words a week, and I'm hitting maybe 3 or 4. A little behind to say the least.
Whataburger. . . Actually no moving.
Moving.... well I am moving up to Denton which is about an hour away from here, which coincidentally is just far enough I can't make semi-frequent trips back to see the fiance I'm leaving behind. I won't lie. As the move date has gotten closer, things seem more stressed. I'm more stressed, thats for sure. Having to work is hard enough, but with everything on my plate, dreading leaving, and everything else life has me stressed out. I feel like crying most days, and I do cry on others. I get the feeling I don't get to spend enough time with Kaitlin, but there is simply no time to spend with her. (And for the record, I am not playing the XBOX all that much if at all anymore for the time being. If I say there isn't time, there isn't time.) It's STRESSFUL. I'm mostly packed and its not that the packing or planning rubs my nerves, but its just the idea of moving that drives me up the wall I guess.
Whataburger. After I move, I'll still be working there. Moving along.
Back to writing actually. I received a full scholarship to a writers symposium led by Ted Dekker and the gang, so I'll get to meet him for the second time, and this time I've attended the college he attended back in the day.
Oh wait, you don't believe I met him?
http://a4.l3-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/22/256bb9da2bf760d6982502ac17b7f4d6/l.jpg
Anywhos, so the scholarship saved me 700, and the plane, hotel and all that has been paid for by friends and connections. So I'm getting to go on the trip of a lifetime for free virtually. Take that suckers! In all honesty, I'm shocked that this has all come together in the last 48 hours, but somehow it's happened. It's either the most amazing of accidents, or the greatest blessing. I'm probably seeming bipolar since I'm so excited about this and so down about everything else.
But that's my life I suppose. It should improve. . . eventually.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Day 100: The Lesson
I learned a very good lesson this weekend, but first let's go over the events that will basically be what the entire weekend revolves around.
Friday night, I get off at 9. Parent's rules state that I get one hour after work basically to hang with Kait in a public setting (usually McD's) before I have to come home without ever setting foot in her house for any period of time lasting longer than 30 seconds. Well I usually get off at ten, so I told em I was working till ten. The hour after that at McD's stretches the time I have to be home all the way to 11, which gives me two solid hours. So we went to the park, hung out, and then we went to her place, and after losing track of time, I texted my mom at 12:02 saying I was leaving work.
What I didn't account for was her basically immediately leaving the house and driving straight to Kait's, where my truck is. I run out of the house, and she drives off.
Uh oh.
Someone got caught.
The story I gave my parents was basically this. Worked till 10. . . and then late night got rushed so Kaitlin and I stayed to help them get orders out in a semi-timely fashion. Then I texted my mom, sped to Kait's house, went inside to calm her dad who was mad that Kaitlin was home late, and then when I'm rushing to get home, I see her drive off.
Believable story, yes.
True story, no.
I ended up getting my store manager to sign off on a falsified time card, got Kaitlin's parents and a bunch of other people ready to vouch for my story. But I sat down with my parents after I got off work, and we basically said, "Hey this looks bad, but relationships are about trust (shush, I know what you're thinking), and so we're all gonna trust each other that we're all (re: Ben) telling the truth." So we worked it out. As a result, Kaitlin was able to accompany us to lunch to celebrate Father's Day, a move that my parents actually requested which shows that they're accepting her into the family, which is good ammo for when I ask about proposing, and we all had a great time as a family.
Mission accomplished. Sorta.
Worked, but since I'm basically training someone else to take my job, I said "I'm not in charge." and put it on somebody else. Next shift comes in, and they dont like what isnt done. So when I see my phone getting blown up for stuff that wasn't done (especially when I wasn't working up till their shift so I couldn't have any of it ready), I naturally blew it off. I texted back "Not my shift. Talk to Jody".
Well they weren't too happy, so they threatened to go to my parents about everything (because they were in the know) and all this and that and how I was going to get fired for falsifying a timecard, and all this other stuff. Most of the other stuff really doesn't matter because I had seen what an awesome fit Kaitlin was with my family, and how great that was, and I didn't want to lose that because some guy was mad that my shift didn't make gravy. GRAVY. So I got out of Super 8, which was rather boring, and instead of coming straight home like I was supposed to, I went back to work and over the course of the next hour, sat down (figuratively) and talked about the whole mess. Once again, we worked it out.
So lesson learned. It's best to sit down and talk to people and tell them the truth (shush) than trying to keep an argument going because you weren't in the wrong. (Gravy not my fault. Just saying.)
Friday night, I get off at 9. Parent's rules state that I get one hour after work basically to hang with Kait in a public setting (usually McD's) before I have to come home without ever setting foot in her house for any period of time lasting longer than 30 seconds. Well I usually get off at ten, so I told em I was working till ten. The hour after that at McD's stretches the time I have to be home all the way to 11, which gives me two solid hours. So we went to the park, hung out, and then we went to her place, and after losing track of time, I texted my mom at 12:02 saying I was leaving work.
What I didn't account for was her basically immediately leaving the house and driving straight to Kait's, where my truck is. I run out of the house, and she drives off.
Uh oh.
Someone got caught.
The story I gave my parents was basically this. Worked till 10. . . and then late night got rushed so Kaitlin and I stayed to help them get orders out in a semi-timely fashion. Then I texted my mom, sped to Kait's house, went inside to calm her dad who was mad that Kaitlin was home late, and then when I'm rushing to get home, I see her drive off.
Believable story, yes.
True story, no.
I ended up getting my store manager to sign off on a falsified time card, got Kaitlin's parents and a bunch of other people ready to vouch for my story. But I sat down with my parents after I got off work, and we basically said, "Hey this looks bad, but relationships are about trust (shush, I know what you're thinking), and so we're all gonna trust each other that we're all (re: Ben) telling the truth." So we worked it out. As a result, Kaitlin was able to accompany us to lunch to celebrate Father's Day, a move that my parents actually requested which shows that they're accepting her into the family, which is good ammo for when I ask about proposing, and we all had a great time as a family.
Mission accomplished. Sorta.
Worked, but since I'm basically training someone else to take my job, I said "I'm not in charge." and put it on somebody else. Next shift comes in, and they dont like what isnt done. So when I see my phone getting blown up for stuff that wasn't done (especially when I wasn't working up till their shift so I couldn't have any of it ready), I naturally blew it off. I texted back "Not my shift. Talk to Jody".
Well they weren't too happy, so they threatened to go to my parents about everything (because they were in the know) and all this and that and how I was going to get fired for falsifying a timecard, and all this other stuff. Most of the other stuff really doesn't matter because I had seen what an awesome fit Kaitlin was with my family, and how great that was, and I didn't want to lose that because some guy was mad that my shift didn't make gravy. GRAVY. So I got out of Super 8, which was rather boring, and instead of coming straight home like I was supposed to, I went back to work and over the course of the next hour, sat down (figuratively) and talked about the whole mess. Once again, we worked it out.
So lesson learned. It's best to sit down and talk to people and tell them the truth (shush) than trying to keep an argument going because you weren't in the wrong. (Gravy not my fault. Just saying.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Day 99: Flying
IT's May 23rd. In three days I'll celebrate six months with Kait, which is something that's actually pretty groundbreaking. Definitely by far the longest relationship I've had, and it's still going pretty much full steam. Eventually yes, there will be some hiccups down the road, but for now I think we're really strengthening up to weather the storms. Now lately we havent exactly had the most time to really bond with each other, but our late night runs to McDonalds to sit and chat are just all the more valuable. I guess if I wanted to sum up this section of my massive update, it would be with this word: Fulfilling.
Schools out, and I managed to pull out all A's by some miscalculation I'm sure. I know in Art I really shouldn't have had one, but I won't argue with the results. I'm somewhat above a 3.0 now, which is fine by me. Parents yell at me for it, but you know what? I'm happy with a 3.0. With an F on my record, and the bunch of C's I got, I think I'm doing well for myself with that 3.0. It's pretty good. And now that school's out, I'll get to focus more on my writing and my day job and Kaitlin, and everything else that needs focused on. So if I wanted to sum up school in one word: Conquered.
Work. Well Whataburger anyways. Clocking 40 hours a week consistently, making the money, and I get to work with Kaitlin every once in a while. Honestly I want a job thats a little easier on the stress level and gives me a chance to write or at least think about my writing on the job. Having to constantly think about #1s with no tomatoes, no onions, mayonaise instead of mustard with jalapenos and grilled onion with onion rings instead of fries and a DP to drink whatasized constantly. . . is hard on the head. I can't come home and write. I can't write at all actually, because it's just too tiring. Summed up in one word: Undesirable.
What about my other job, writing? Well the company is officially launched. We're still spot mopping on the website for grammar errors and such (which is even more embarassing) but we've recorded the first few interviews, and I know what stories I'm working on for the anthology we're putting out. The first story I got is riveting, but maddening at the same time because I never find time to work on it because I'm at work, asleep, or my parents are having me run errands. Not to sound like I don't appreciate them because I do, but I really do need the time to write. It's hard to call yourself a full time writer if you're clocking 5 hours a week at best. But were I to get time, I'm really thinking I can do this. Consistently. Summed up, minimal.
So lets see, Kait, Work, School, Writing. . . What else to cover?
Well life in general is going pretty great.
Summed up in one word
Surprising.
Schools out, and I managed to pull out all A's by some miscalculation I'm sure. I know in Art I really shouldn't have had one, but I won't argue with the results. I'm somewhat above a 3.0 now, which is fine by me. Parents yell at me for it, but you know what? I'm happy with a 3.0. With an F on my record, and the bunch of C's I got, I think I'm doing well for myself with that 3.0. It's pretty good. And now that school's out, I'll get to focus more on my writing and my day job and Kaitlin, and everything else that needs focused on. So if I wanted to sum up school in one word: Conquered.
Work. Well Whataburger anyways. Clocking 40 hours a week consistently, making the money, and I get to work with Kaitlin every once in a while. Honestly I want a job thats a little easier on the stress level and gives me a chance to write or at least think about my writing on the job. Having to constantly think about #1s with no tomatoes, no onions, mayonaise instead of mustard with jalapenos and grilled onion with onion rings instead of fries and a DP to drink whatasized constantly. . . is hard on the head. I can't come home and write. I can't write at all actually, because it's just too tiring. Summed up in one word: Undesirable.
What about my other job, writing? Well the company is officially launched. We're still spot mopping on the website for grammar errors and such (which is even more embarassing) but we've recorded the first few interviews, and I know what stories I'm working on for the anthology we're putting out. The first story I got is riveting, but maddening at the same time because I never find time to work on it because I'm at work, asleep, or my parents are having me run errands. Not to sound like I don't appreciate them because I do, but I really do need the time to write. It's hard to call yourself a full time writer if you're clocking 5 hours a week at best. But were I to get time, I'm really thinking I can do this. Consistently. Summed up, minimal.
So lets see, Kait, Work, School, Writing. . . What else to cover?
Well life in general is going pretty great.
Summed up in one word
Surprising.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Day 98: Perfect
My mother once told me that the dreams of believers are God-given; perfect. That the dreams you had helped you live life. I've always wanted to believe her; I really have. For the longest time, God was supposed to give me the things I wanted. Afterall, there is that verse that says "I will give you the desires of your heart." - but where were my desires? Where were the things that I desperately wanted? My dreams. "God works in mysterious ways" I suppose.
But there comes a point when thoughts are challenged. Ideas are tested. And you see either how right or wrong you were. Scary moments. The moment of truth, as some people would say. They're moments that when you're older, you look back on and. . . and you smile knowingly. Those moments are key. Those moments are turning points. Those moments make you who you are. Those days, those nights, those glances, are YOU.
God gave me one of those moments. It was night that I still don't believe I slept, because I had this sense that the reality I was experiencing wasn't real. I remember the ceiling I was staring at, and then I was on an empty stage. THe cool moving air, the pregnant silence, the aged wooden floor, soft lighting, and the intense focus of a house, building. Building for a climax. Their nights, our nights, our lives had been building to this point - a point where the essence is ripe for the picking.
I walked out into the light as a single violin filled the air with a slow melody. No lines came to mind, so I let the violin play undisturbed. Why speak? It was a moment where words were ruinous, gasps were ruinous, stray thoughts were ruinous. A moment, fragile, for the music to say all that I couldn't say; do all that I couldn't do.
A lighter sound, a cleansing sound joined the violin; a single note that morphed into another and then, after being repeated I was able to make out. "Sono mie care e lui, e il mio" - I felt the gaze of the house shift focus, somewhere to my left, behind me. I slowly moved my head and I. . .
I don't know what I felt; it overwhelmed me completely. I do know what I saw, and it is likely a sight that I'll never see again. She stood there. Barefoot. Yellow rose in her hair. Blue silk dress, flowing. Golden band. She was the source of the cleansing tune. She was the source of the beauty.
We took one step towards each other. Another. Another. Another. We locked in an embrace. I heard a whisper on my neck, "I am my beloved's, and he is mine. . . he is mine." This was it! The climax! Overwhelmingly everything I'd ever wanted, here in my arms. All the disappointments, the battles lost, the hoops I'd jumped through only to fall flat on my face meant nothing. There was no me and and my struggles, there was only --
I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. Not like heartbreak, but something else. I felt my shirt begin to grow warm and stick to my body. My arms went cold; my embrace loosened. "No! Not like this!" I was screaming that in my head, "Not like this!", but I didn't utter a sound. I fell back, like a loose sack of flesh. She knelt over me and put a blood-covered hand to my lips "Shh.. it'll be ok. It'll be ok." A tear slipped, caught the light, and fell onto my cheek.
I cried in the dark cold comfort that the (dream) was over, but the tear, the many tears! remain. It's so true though. I may not blame her for trying to kill my love. I can point to no single or multiple wrongdoings that she has transgressed against me, not one. Yet, I blamed her. I blame her.
Given the chance, she shut me down. So, I guess after two and a half years, and everything I've been through, I can finally say that my mom was right. Dreams are God-given. A forewarning.
Perfect.
But there comes a point when thoughts are challenged. Ideas are tested. And you see either how right or wrong you were. Scary moments. The moment of truth, as some people would say. They're moments that when you're older, you look back on and. . . and you smile knowingly. Those moments are key. Those moments are turning points. Those moments make you who you are. Those days, those nights, those glances, are YOU.
God gave me one of those moments. It was night that I still don't believe I slept, because I had this sense that the reality I was experiencing wasn't real. I remember the ceiling I was staring at, and then I was on an empty stage. THe cool moving air, the pregnant silence, the aged wooden floor, soft lighting, and the intense focus of a house, building. Building for a climax. Their nights, our nights, our lives had been building to this point - a point where the essence is ripe for the picking.
I walked out into the light as a single violin filled the air with a slow melody. No lines came to mind, so I let the violin play undisturbed. Why speak? It was a moment where words were ruinous, gasps were ruinous, stray thoughts were ruinous. A moment, fragile, for the music to say all that I couldn't say; do all that I couldn't do.
A lighter sound, a cleansing sound joined the violin; a single note that morphed into another and then, after being repeated I was able to make out. "Sono mie care e lui, e il mio" - I felt the gaze of the house shift focus, somewhere to my left, behind me. I slowly moved my head and I. . .
I don't know what I felt; it overwhelmed me completely. I do know what I saw, and it is likely a sight that I'll never see again. She stood there. Barefoot. Yellow rose in her hair. Blue silk dress, flowing. Golden band. She was the source of the cleansing tune. She was the source of the beauty.
We took one step towards each other. Another. Another. Another. We locked in an embrace. I heard a whisper on my neck, "I am my beloved's, and he is mine. . . he is mine." This was it! The climax! Overwhelmingly everything I'd ever wanted, here in my arms. All the disappointments, the battles lost, the hoops I'd jumped through only to fall flat on my face meant nothing. There was no me and and my struggles, there was only --
I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. Not like heartbreak, but something else. I felt my shirt begin to grow warm and stick to my body. My arms went cold; my embrace loosened. "No! Not like this!" I was screaming that in my head, "Not like this!", but I didn't utter a sound. I fell back, like a loose sack of flesh. She knelt over me and put a blood-covered hand to my lips "Shh.. it'll be ok. It'll be ok." A tear slipped, caught the light, and fell onto my cheek.
I cried in the dark cold comfort that the (dream) was over, but the tear, the many tears! remain. It's so true though. I may not blame her for trying to kill my love. I can point to no single or multiple wrongdoings that she has transgressed against me, not one. Yet, I blamed her. I blame her.
Given the chance, she shut me down. So, I guess after two and a half years, and everything I've been through, I can finally say that my mom was right. Dreams are God-given. A forewarning.
Perfect.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day 96: Because updates are only valid when they're posted.
So lately everyone's been having freak storms. Tons of tornados, lots of hail, rains, wildfires etc. We're just missing a volcano bursting from the middle of Kansas. And of course with all the rain comes wet roads which really isn't a huge issue. People drive in rain all the time, right?
Well, thats what I thought too. Apparently though, out of all the days to have a car issue, my truck picked Monday when I was rushing home to rush to work, and my tires locked up mid turn and I skidded straight into a little old Honda CR-V.
*sigh*
Talk about a wrench in everything. I barely showed up for work on time, I got another lawsuit pending probably. Her knee was fine at first but theres some medical bills beneath it, and so things aren't looking good there. But on top of all that, when she sues me, she sues me for assets.
Assets include stocks, or pieces of ownership that I have in any legal company in the US.
Including my own.
So I was already a little freaked, and then I found out she's a manager/business owner for the only successful bar in town. And Kindle, which currently outsells every other form of book, is a fertile business ground where I was planning on sowing some seed. The average american may not realize this, but a business owner COULD realize the tremendous upside thats given in this endeavor, and they may want a piece of the pie. Or the ownership of that pie.
So I could've put all this effort in, turned in tax paperwork and be just downright dead because my steering locked up, took me into someone else's car, and now that person could've legally sued me for my company.
What do I do now?
Well, thats what I thought too. Apparently though, out of all the days to have a car issue, my truck picked Monday when I was rushing home to rush to work, and my tires locked up mid turn and I skidded straight into a little old Honda CR-V.
*sigh*
Talk about a wrench in everything. I barely showed up for work on time, I got another lawsuit pending probably. Her knee was fine at first but theres some medical bills beneath it, and so things aren't looking good there. But on top of all that, when she sues me, she sues me for assets.
Assets include stocks, or pieces of ownership that I have in any legal company in the US.
Including my own.
So I was already a little freaked, and then I found out she's a manager/business owner for the only successful bar in town. And Kindle, which currently outsells every other form of book, is a fertile business ground where I was planning on sowing some seed. The average american may not realize this, but a business owner COULD realize the tremendous upside thats given in this endeavor, and they may want a piece of the pie. Or the ownership of that pie.
So I could've put all this effort in, turned in tax paperwork and be just downright dead because my steering locked up, took me into someone else's car, and now that person could've legally sued me for my company.
What do I do now?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Day 96: Update, because I've been busy
So yes, I know I haven't blogged in a while. It happens. I'm working one 40-hour job, launching what WAS just a publishing company that is all of a sudden becoming way more complicated than just formatting a word document and getting it to Kindle. Planning conventions, sponsoring community projects, running a webcomic, getting a permanent office in Denton, and everything requires tons of planning, pros and cons, decision making, etc. which leaves me little time for much else. Now that im also looking like a regular business executive with a iPhone, its just crazy crazy busy busy busy. I wish I could say it was just the NBA playoffs, but I don't even get to watch those this year. It's all work, all business.
Wel except for the girl. But I have to have a little relaxation right?
So basically my life boils down to this. 40 Hours of burgers and fries in a pretty much managerial role. Launching the site, figuring out everything about how extensive its ever going to get in the next year or so, spending time with the woman, going to school "full time", trying to spend time with family, and yet still live a normal relaxing life like a person who gets sleep.
Sheesh. Busy busy busy busy busy busy
Wel except for the girl. But I have to have a little relaxation right?
So basically my life boils down to this. 40 Hours of burgers and fries in a pretty much managerial role. Launching the site, figuring out everything about how extensive its ever going to get in the next year or so, spending time with the woman, going to school "full time", trying to spend time with family, and yet still live a normal relaxing life like a person who gets sleep.
Sheesh. Busy busy busy busy busy busy
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Day 95: Busy busy busy
I got meetings being planned, business being done, trying to make a living on 7.50 an hour, and working two different jobs in the same place while working full time at another is a nutcase. I feel like an idiot. As far as things go with Kait, still going strong. As far as things go with church, I hope to go tomorrow for the first time in a few weeks. As far as awesomeness goes, (besides me being me) I went to two (COUNT THEM: TWO) Mavericks games this week, and those were both pretty neat. I wish I had the weekend off though.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 94: All In
"i'm the hero of the story, i don't need to be saved!" - Regina Spektor
"In the meantime I leave you with this thought: love is the most dangerous of emotions because you cannot give yourself halfway. It's all in or fold." - FB status update from a long time ago
"...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors." - C.S. Lewis
"Your smile is my heartbeat." - FB again
A life is a canvas; prepped a long time ago and left to sit in the room so we can do with it what we may. There's two brushes, and the unimaginable left to create in such a way the world should marvel at its magnificence. I've spent so long trying to paint what I can that would stir creativity in the mind of a second artist, but another person has yet to rise to the task. I simply offer you the brush; to help me paint the perfect picture, the perfect day and the night between.
Your color captures my imagination.
"In the meantime I leave you with this thought: love is the most dangerous of emotions because you cannot give yourself halfway. It's all in or fold." - FB status update from a long time ago
"...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors." - C.S. Lewis
"Your smile is my heartbeat." - FB again
A life is a canvas; prepped a long time ago and left to sit in the room so we can do with it what we may. There's two brushes, and the unimaginable left to create in such a way the world should marvel at its magnificence. I've spent so long trying to paint what I can that would stir creativity in the mind of a second artist, but another person has yet to rise to the task. I simply offer you the brush; to help me paint the perfect picture, the perfect day and the night between.
Your color captures my imagination.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Day 93: It Feels Real
I'm reaching heights of "emotion" that I haven't in a long time. Kate no longer is just the girl I'm dating to me. Her value is beyond that, and it's becoming a key fiber of my being. And that's really cool, because I've been missing that for a long long time.
Photoshoot went well for the site, I'm talking to an artist about the cover art for the books, and the website will be going under major construction here soon. I have friends that can get me into literature conventions, and I know a few others that can help in promotion. AKA, It's getting real.
The move to Denton, the promotion at work, it's all coming together.
Life is finally kicking into gear. Two years after high school, I'll finally feel like an adult.
Here's to rings, contracts, and all that lies between me and death! (That sounds. . . . strange. Let's try this again).
Here's to love, commitments and the future.
Mazel Tov.
Or something like that.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 92: The End/The Beginning
Day 26, January 7, "What kind of person attracts you."
What kind of person attracts me? How fitting that we would end this 30 Day. . . erm 26 Day Challenge on a relationship centered idea. Yes this is getting kinda cut short, but the person I copied it from didn't finish it. So this is as far as I get to go.
What kind of person attracts me. . .
Well people that are "like" me in interests tend to attract me. Lord of the Rings, lots of weird trippy music, writing, books, the arts, that which concerns the actions of love and not the verbalizations thereof, conversations, mountains, oceans, mexican food, silly moments, movie quotes, movies, photography.
That's interests, and most high schoolers would go. . . "Ok there buddy. What does 'She' look like?"
Medium/Long dark hair.
Green/blue eyes (both are cool, one or the other isn't a compromise at all)
Ummm slightly shorter than me? Idk.
See looks are harder to do because I've been interested in just about everything. Looks don't really matter to me. Seriously. If you get a girl who can smile, be herself, be open, and laugh, and is interested in about half of the interests column, dude you got me hooked.
I am attracted to originality. That's all I have to say on the matter.
What kind of person attracts me? How fitting that we would end this 30 Day. . . erm 26 Day Challenge on a relationship centered idea. Yes this is getting kinda cut short, but the person I copied it from didn't finish it. So this is as far as I get to go.
What kind of person attracts me. . .
Well people that are "like" me in interests tend to attract me. Lord of the Rings, lots of weird trippy music, writing, books, the arts, that which concerns the actions of love and not the verbalizations thereof, conversations, mountains, oceans, mexican food, silly moments, movie quotes, movies, photography.
That's interests, and most high schoolers would go. . . "Ok there buddy. What does 'She' look like?"
Medium/Long dark hair.
Green/blue eyes (both are cool, one or the other isn't a compromise at all)
Ummm slightly shorter than me? Idk.
See looks are harder to do because I've been interested in just about everything. Looks don't really matter to me. Seriously. If you get a girl who can smile, be herself, be open, and laugh, and is interested in about half of the interests column, dude you got me hooked.
I am attracted to originality. That's all I have to say on the matter.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Day 91: Handdrawn.
Day 25, January 6, "Someone who fascinates you and why."
The fascinating thing about people is that I never know what they're thinking, how that thinking affects their actions, and how their actions affect the world. So everyone fascinates me. Including me.
The fascinating thing about people is that I never know what they're thinking, how that thinking affects their actions, and how their actions affect the world. So everyone fascinates me. Including me.
Day 89: Games
Games of hearts and knives and backstabbers and heat and passion and sex and emotions and him and her and Valentines Day and chocolates and cutesies and dates and candles and picknics and love songs with cheese and wine and alcohol and me and myself and I and poetry and massages and proposals and weddings and divorces and cheating and golf clubs and on and on and on and on.
This is not love.
Death.
Desire.
Dependency.
This is love.
Darkness is the absence of light
Cold, the absence of heat
Sin, the absence of God
Love, the absence of logic
I, the absence of you.
This is not love.
Death.
Desire.
Dependency.
This is love.
Darkness is the absence of light
Cold, the absence of heat
Sin, the absence of God
Love, the absence of logic
I, the absence of you.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 90: This Will Be Fun
Day 24, "Your favorite movie and what it's about."
Favorite movie. . .
As much as I love the Lord of the Rings, the movie trilogy is not my favorite movie. Inception? Probably out of the last coupla years. But not overall. The Fountain? Man. . that'd be a good pick. Prestige could've made it. Les Miserable (with Liam Neeson), or even Life is Beautiful. . .
It's between Les Mis and the Fountain.
In Les Mis, a convict, Jean Valjean is on his way from one prison to the other basically, and he is forced to stop for the night in one of the towns on the road. To avoid committing another crime which would send him back to hard labor, he stays with a priest and a nun, and during the night, robs them of their silverware and runs. He gets caught by police, the police bring him back to the priest who's sporting a shiner, and they basically say "This guy is such an idiot. He thinks we'd believe you gave him this silverware! HO HO HO!"
The priest surprises everyone (including Valjean) by saying "OH YES! Yes I did. And i also gave him the silver candlesticks," (ETC) "that was silly of you to leave those Valjean!"
Cop: "Wait. You. . . gave them to him?"
Priest: "Yes I did." Cops definitely leave confused on this one, though they get drunk off the priest's wine presumably.
But the priest pulls Valjean aside and says (real quote) "Jean Valjean my brother, you no longer belong to evil. With this silver, I bought your soul. I've ransomed you from fear and hatred; and now I give you back to God."
Valjean assumes a new identity, becomes a town mayor, and spends the rest of his life trying to do good. However, the new chief of police in his town happens to be one of the guards from the hard labor camp, they recognize each other, and here we go. Javert, the Inspector, decides that he wants to show that he's an ex-con, because he's under the impression that once you're a criminal, you're always a criminal. He succeeds in driving Valjean away from his wealth, but Valjean flees, takes on the guardianship of a young girl whose mom he had befriended, and flees to a nunnery in Paris where he lives for sixteen years until Cosette (the young girl) decides she wants to live outside the nunnery. So he uses his old money from his days as a mayor, and buys a house. She falls in love with a revolutionary, one of the four French revolutions ensue, and of course we can't forget our old friend Javert who lives in Paris, somehow tracks down Valjean, and ends up on the wrong end of a knife held by Valjean. But Javert is let go. Which bugs him. A lot. After the revolution gets quelled, Javert ends up with Valjean at gunpoint. Valjean negotiates that he will return to custody willingly if he is allowed to take Marius (the guy Cosette is seeing. if you're wondering why he's just getting mentioned, he's just a minor character who starts a revolution. Big deal) to safety. Valjean returns, Javert throws himself into the river, and Valjean is free (in the film leastways). And so it ends.
Neeson is a wonderful actor.
Favorite movie. . .
As much as I love the Lord of the Rings, the movie trilogy is not my favorite movie. Inception? Probably out of the last coupla years. But not overall. The Fountain? Man. . that'd be a good pick. Prestige could've made it. Les Miserable (with Liam Neeson), or even Life is Beautiful. . .
It's between Les Mis and the Fountain.
In Les Mis, a convict, Jean Valjean is on his way from one prison to the other basically, and he is forced to stop for the night in one of the towns on the road. To avoid committing another crime which would send him back to hard labor, he stays with a priest and a nun, and during the night, robs them of their silverware and runs. He gets caught by police, the police bring him back to the priest who's sporting a shiner, and they basically say "This guy is such an idiot. He thinks we'd believe you gave him this silverware! HO HO HO!"
The priest surprises everyone (including Valjean) by saying "OH YES! Yes I did. And i also gave him the silver candlesticks," (ETC) "that was silly of you to leave those Valjean!"
Cop: "Wait. You. . . gave them to him?"
Priest: "Yes I did." Cops definitely leave confused on this one, though they get drunk off the priest's wine presumably.
But the priest pulls Valjean aside and says (real quote) "Jean Valjean my brother, you no longer belong to evil. With this silver, I bought your soul. I've ransomed you from fear and hatred; and now I give you back to God."
Valjean assumes a new identity, becomes a town mayor, and spends the rest of his life trying to do good. However, the new chief of police in his town happens to be one of the guards from the hard labor camp, they recognize each other, and here we go. Javert, the Inspector, decides that he wants to show that he's an ex-con, because he's under the impression that once you're a criminal, you're always a criminal. He succeeds in driving Valjean away from his wealth, but Valjean flees, takes on the guardianship of a young girl whose mom he had befriended, and flees to a nunnery in Paris where he lives for sixteen years until Cosette (the young girl) decides she wants to live outside the nunnery. So he uses his old money from his days as a mayor, and buys a house. She falls in love with a revolutionary, one of the four French revolutions ensue, and of course we can't forget our old friend Javert who lives in Paris, somehow tracks down Valjean, and ends up on the wrong end of a knife held by Valjean. But Javert is let go. Which bugs him. A lot. After the revolution gets quelled, Javert ends up with Valjean at gunpoint. Valjean negotiates that he will return to custody willingly if he is allowed to take Marius (the guy Cosette is seeing. if you're wondering why he's just getting mentioned, he's just a minor character who starts a revolution. Big deal) to safety. Valjean returns, Javert throws himself into the river, and Valjean is free (in the film leastways). And so it ends.
Neeson is a wonderful actor.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 88: Awkward.
Day 23, "Give pictures of 5 famous guys that you find attractive.
Let's not, and pretend I didn't.
Let's not, and pretend I didn't.
Day 87: The Stars Burn Brightly Tonight
Day 22, "How have you changed in the past 2 years?"
Wow. Where was I two years ago? Graduating high school?
DEARNESS! It's been two years already?
I've become a hardcore gamer, a non-virgin, a business owner, a burger flipper, a dancer, a dater, a heartbreaker, a showman, an actor, more mature (hopefully), a better writer, a basketball player, not so much a football lover, better cook, better acquainted with that which I cannot see.
I've become more me.
Wow. Where was I two years ago? Graduating high school?
DEARNESS! It's been two years already?
I've become a hardcore gamer, a non-virgin, a business owner, a burger flipper, a dancer, a dater, a heartbreaker, a showman, an actor, more mature (hopefully), a better writer, a basketball player, not so much a football lover, better cook, better acquainted with that which I cannot see.
I've become more me.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 86: Shorty Porty
Day 21, "One of your favorite shows."
Fringe! There are very few smart shows on television. House MD was fun for a while, and I had high hopes coming into this season that he, as a character, would grow.
Well, that didn't happen. He went back to being House. And I quit following regularly.
So Fringe it is. Awesome story. . . and it might end at season 3. If it gets to an ending, and it continues on, I'll find another show. Seriously. End it when it's over.
Like 24. Wonderful beautiful series finale.
Fringe! There are very few smart shows on television. House MD was fun for a while, and I had high hopes coming into this season that he, as a character, would grow.
Well, that didn't happen. He went back to being House. And I quit following regularly.
So Fringe it is. Awesome story. . . and it might end at season 3. If it gets to an ending, and it continues on, I'll find another show. Seriously. End it when it's over.
Like 24. Wonderful beautiful series finale.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Day 85: Wrong time to ask this one.
Day 20, January 1, "How important you think education is."
So important. . . that I'm probably skipping next semester.
So important. . . that I'm probably skipping next semester.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Day 84: How fitting
Day 19: "Disrespecting your parents."
There are some days I wish I knew what this was, and there are others I know I am.
There are some days I wish I knew what this was, and there are others I know I am.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Day 83: Early, but Never Late
Day 18 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your beliefs."
If you arrive on time, you're late.
Love is an investment.
Hail to the Chief.
God is love, and love is real.
Happiness is contentment.
If you arrive on time, you're late.
Love is an investment.
Hail to the Chief.
God is love, and love is real.
Happiness is contentment.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Day 82: Irony
Day 17 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your highs and lows of this year."
Highs: Working, seeing Mae, getting involved in Writers Club again, discovering Kate, Brandy's FB comment (Day 79), having God pour down (Day 59), hearing Phrase A (Day 44), family vacation to Arkansas (Day 19), the reparations found in Transparency (Day 31), the short stories/poems I've been able to produce (Days 15, 25, 46), seeing Wicked (Day 18), the release of the Constant Seas "Cycles" album, seeing Inception and watching it win 4 Oscars. . . man I feel like I'm scrounging the bucket here.
Oh and 24 finale. Nothing like it.
Lows: Today of all days is the one year anniversary of the whole v-card thing; then you got a few others like coming home with a F and a 1.6 Spring 10 GPA, almost being a daddy, the "hell and back" episode (Day 60), getting kicked off of one worship team and feeling like I need to quit another to right past wrongs, Dennis' death, etc.
Highs: Working, seeing Mae, getting involved in Writers Club again, discovering Kate, Brandy's FB comment (Day 79), having God pour down (Day 59), hearing Phrase A (Day 44), family vacation to Arkansas (Day 19), the reparations found in Transparency (Day 31), the short stories/poems I've been able to produce (Days 15, 25, 46), seeing Wicked (Day 18), the release of the Constant Seas "Cycles" album, seeing Inception and watching it win 4 Oscars. . . man I feel like I'm scrounging the bucket here.
Oh and 24 finale. Nothing like it.
Lows: Today of all days is the one year anniversary of the whole v-card thing; then you got a few others like coming home with a F and a 1.6 Spring 10 GPA, almost being a daddy, the "hell and back" episode (Day 60), getting kicked off of one worship team and feeling like I need to quit another to right past wrongs, Dennis' death, etc.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 81: Is There a Reason?
Day 16 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your thoughts on mainstream music."
I don't listen to the radio. Now in the once a month occasion I do listen to music on the radio, I gotta say I'm not too impressed. Do I kinda jam out? Yes. The beats are catchy, that's why they're popular. But when I think of my top 5 bands, and the different qualities that I love about them, I don't find those qualities in mainstream music. That's just how it fly. I don't think the bands that are out there are that great. Are they musically talented? Yes. But I wish more of them wrote their own stuff (I'm looking at you, Jonas/Miley/Britney/and probably Lady Gaga).
Top 5
Cool Hand Luke / Mark Nicks
mewithoutYou
William Fitzsimmons
Constant Seas
Gregor Samsa
'Is there a reason?
Are You really there?
Have I dreamed all of this up?
Is there a reason?
Are You really there?
If I make a space will You come fill it up?
Are You coming?'
-Cool Hand Luke / Mark Nicks
I don't listen to the radio. Now in the once a month occasion I do listen to music on the radio, I gotta say I'm not too impressed. Do I kinda jam out? Yes. The beats are catchy, that's why they're popular. But when I think of my top 5 bands, and the different qualities that I love about them, I don't find those qualities in mainstream music. That's just how it fly. I don't think the bands that are out there are that great. Are they musically talented? Yes. But I wish more of them wrote their own stuff (I'm looking at you, Jonas/Miley/Britney/and probably Lady Gaga).
Top 5
Cool Hand Luke / Mark Nicks
mewithoutYou
William Fitzsimmons
Constant Seas
Gregor Samsa
'Is there a reason?
Are You really there?
Have I dreamed all of this up?
Is there a reason?
Are You really there?
If I make a space will You come fill it up?
Are You coming?'
-Cool Hand Luke / Mark Nicks
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 80: The Cat's out of the Bag.
Day 15 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your favorite Tumblrs."
Um, well I'm not really on tumblr. I do visit one that I found through Facebook, but only because it's my favorite band - Cool Hand Luke. That's the downside of copying a 30 day challenge made for Tumblr from someone else's blog I suppose.
Well I'll give you some insight then, however tainted it may be by my potentially erroneous thinking. The Great Black Dog and I have been tossing a file back and forth entitled "Dynamite, Candles, and Cake" Basically, the premise of the document is that a successful relationship is represented by a cake. False ideas and pretenses are symbolized with TNT. You stick em in the cake, they blow, there goes your cake. Correct ideas that you should live by are represented by candles. They make the cake a cake. Even Portal got that right!
So basically what we're doing is we're taking cliche advice (Your spouse should complete you, as an example) and analyzing it for truth based on our so far unsuccessful experiences. It was his idea, but I gotta tell you, I think I'm going to use the same analogy for all the candles, and there will be many many many many candles.
Love is like buying a house. Make a good choice.
Um, well I'm not really on tumblr. I do visit one that I found through Facebook, but only because it's my favorite band - Cool Hand Luke. That's the downside of copying a 30 day challenge made for Tumblr from someone else's blog I suppose.
Well I'll give you some insight then, however tainted it may be by my potentially erroneous thinking. The Great Black Dog and I have been tossing a file back and forth entitled "Dynamite, Candles, and Cake" Basically, the premise of the document is that a successful relationship is represented by a cake. False ideas and pretenses are symbolized with TNT. You stick em in the cake, they blow, there goes your cake. Correct ideas that you should live by are represented by candles. They make the cake a cake. Even Portal got that right!
So basically what we're doing is we're taking cliche advice (Your spouse should complete you, as an example) and analyzing it for truth based on our so far unsuccessful experiences. It was his idea, but I gotta tell you, I think I'm going to use the same analogy for all the candles, and there will be many many many many candles.
Love is like buying a house. Make a good choice.
Day 79: If Only
I sat there and looked at it for a bit, because out of the 240 people on my friend's list, Brandy Nicks is not one of them. I've never really met a Nicks, but I do like brandy. Wait. . . anywho. Don't know a Brandy Nicks. So I sat there and looked at it. Then I connected it.
Link to Cool Hand Luke video
Official Cool Hand Luke Page was tagged
Cool Hand Luke has been a Mark Nicks project for the past two years
Mark Nicks is married
Mark Nick's wife's name is Brandy
Therefore, Brandy Nicks is Mark Nicks' wife.
HOLY COW! (To quote the General) The wife of my favorite musician just commented on a link I posted.
Link to Cool Hand Luke video
Official Cool Hand Luke Page was tagged
Cool Hand Luke has been a Mark Nicks project for the past two years
Mark Nicks is married
Mark Nick's wife's name is Brandy
Therefore, Brandy Nicks is Mark Nicks' wife.
HOLY COW! (To quote the General) The wife of my favorite musician just commented on a link I posted.
Man I love Facebook.
Well today, I started having visions of grandeur, and I lacked or was guilty of hubris. I think it's guilty of, but since I'm rusty on my Socratic Greek, I'll just go with whichever one means "I had tons and tons and loads of tons of pride." Like me going on tour with Cool Hand Luke and leaving whatever crappy life flipping burgers really is. Getting to meet Mark. Getting to have dinner and hang out with him and his wife.
And I realized. I really want to go on tour. Really, Really, REALLY badly.
Sigh. . .
If only.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Day 78: Redbirds Unite!
Day 14 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your earliest memory."
Man. Hurting myself when I pressed my thumb up against a nail. I was something like 4 or 5.
I don't know. Something happened.
Man. Hurting myself when I pressed my thumb up against a nail. I was something like 4 or 5.
I don't know. Something happened.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Day 77: My Precious
Day 13 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Somewhere you'd like to move or visit."
"I want to see mountains again; MOUNTAINS Gandalf! And find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book."
- Bilbo, Lord of the Rings.
I miss living in the mountains. Honestly, what I'm leaning towards at the moment is being a college professor at some college where there are mountains and moderate temperatures year round, and just staying there. Raising my kids there. Hiking. Retiring there, even though being a professor is really an early retirement anyways. I don''t know. There's just some draw to the mountains. I miss the epic sunrises in the east. I liked the hometown feel. I loved the weather. There's something so refreshing that you just don't find in other climates. I. Love. The. Mountains. And I miss hiking/rualking.
Man, I miss home.
"I want to see mountains again; MOUNTAINS Gandalf! And find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book."
- Bilbo, Lord of the Rings.
I miss living in the mountains. Honestly, what I'm leaning towards at the moment is being a college professor at some college where there are mountains and moderate temperatures year round, and just staying there. Raising my kids there. Hiking. Retiring there, even though being a professor is really an early retirement anyways. I don''t know. There's just some draw to the mountains. I miss the epic sunrises in the east. I liked the hometown feel. I loved the weather. There's something so refreshing that you just don't find in other climates. I. Love. The. Mountains. And I miss hiking/rualking.
Man, I miss home.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Day 76: Diamonds
Day 12 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Bullet your entire day"
6:45 Get out of bed/shower.
7:30 Band practice at church
9:00 First service
9:28 After worship, leave for breakfast at WB, pick up Kate.
10:15 Return to church
10:45 Pastor Richie makes the announcement that this was my last weekend
11:00 Second service
12:25 Service ends I go to pack
12:50 We leave after I say my final goodbyes
1:00 Lunch with Kate at La Hacienda
1:50 Drop her off at her place
2:00 Play some 2k11
2:45 Do some homework
3:30 My mom comes home and we formulate a plan to watch a movie
4:15 We start Megamind after waiting for it to download so we could stream it to our Apple TV
6:00 We all kinda sit around in the living room on our many apple products.
7:00 Turn on the Oscars
8:50 Take a call from Kate
9:10 Make the moves to leave the living room
9:50 Make it to my room
10:00 Play 2k11 with Collin online.
11:30 Homework
11:50 Blogging
"Love is tension and thrill /
That begs to be ours."
- Sleeping at Last
6:45 Get out of bed/shower.
7:30 Band practice at church
9:00 First service
9:28 After worship, leave for breakfast at WB, pick up Kate.
10:15 Return to church
10:45 Pastor Richie makes the announcement that this was my last weekend
11:00 Second service
12:25 Service ends I go to pack
12:50 We leave after I say my final goodbyes
1:00 Lunch with Kate at La Hacienda
1:50 Drop her off at her place
2:00 Play some 2k11
2:45 Do some homework
3:30 My mom comes home and we formulate a plan to watch a movie
4:15 We start Megamind after waiting for it to download so we could stream it to our Apple TV
6:00 We all kinda sit around in the living room on our many apple products.
7:00 Turn on the Oscars
8:50 Take a call from Kate
9:10 Make the moves to leave the living room
9:50 Make it to my room
10:00 Play 2k11 with Collin online.
11:30 Homework
11:50 Blogging
"Love is tension and thrill /
That begs to be ours."
- Sleeping at Last
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 75: A Reprieve
Day 11 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
1 Secret - The Appleseed Cast on Mare Vitalis
2 Sparkle and Fade - Hammock on Raising Your Voice. . . Trying to Stop an Echo
3 The Ocean - Mae on The Everglow
4 Pachuca Sunrise - Minus the Bear on Planet of Ice
5 Science of Fear - Temper Trap on Conditions
6 Gathering Data - John Powell on The Bourne Supremacy Soundtrack
7 Rooms and Gardens - Appleseed Cast on Low Level Owl II
8 New Song #1 - Michael Martin on GB (a private recording from a friend)
9 The Crypt - The Valerie Project
10 Underdog - Audio Adrenaline on Underdog
And this post is literally a reprieve.
1 Secret - The Appleseed Cast on Mare Vitalis
2 Sparkle and Fade - Hammock on Raising Your Voice. . . Trying to Stop an Echo
3 The Ocean - Mae on The Everglow
4 Pachuca Sunrise - Minus the Bear on Planet of Ice
5 Science of Fear - Temper Trap on Conditions
6 Gathering Data - John Powell on The Bourne Supremacy Soundtrack
7 Rooms and Gardens - Appleseed Cast on Low Level Owl II
8 New Song #1 - Michael Martin on GB (a private recording from a friend)
9 The Crypt - The Valerie Project
10 Underdog - Audio Adrenaline on Underdog
And this post is literally a reprieve.
Day 74: It would be today
It's always the days that you don't plan to spend a lot of time on something, that you have to spend a lot of time on something.
Day 10 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Discuss your first love and first kiss."
Wow. I wonder how many kids have answered this and then later on down the road they'll go "Wel, they weren't really my first love. . . more like my first crush."
*SHUDDER*
Anywho, I'll discuss these out of order, if there really is an intended order.
So first kiss.
At Evangel, I had a habit of. . . "helping" students write their papers for laundry money. $2 for a paper, and $5 for an A, and they were almost always A's. So it's basically $5 a paper. It was also a good way to get spending money, besides selling your iPod touch you customized to say "Put music to our troubles / and we'll dance them away." (The / denoting the two lines) You can't sell an iPod Touch every semester, so I picked up papers when people on my floor started complaining about them. I had the time. Papers are easy and I was staying up late and so I did papers.
Then I kinda started getting interested in the Moor (she wasn't black, but think of a synonym for the alternate definition of "moor" and you'll have the name) and she turned me down the day before V-Day, which kinda sucked; no lie. Well I was complaining about the whole deal to one of her friends, and me and that friend got talking, and I was in an emotionally volatile state. Somehow it came up that I did homework assignments for money. She told me she wouldn't give me money, but she'd give me a hug. I immediately upped the ante. I wanted a kiss. I was 18 and 2/3rds of the way to 19, and I could get a hug any day of the week. If we're going physical, I wanted a damn kiss. That was shortly before 10. The assignment was due at midnight. So we got out to her car, and we talked about theater kissing (which I had barely just started, exactly a month before. Jan 16th to Feb 16th) and then she asked me how that went.
An hour later I emerged from the backseat of her vehicle, and she got a 100 on that assignment. 3 weeks later, we ended up having sex, and that kinda went into a downward spiral from there. But that's further beyond first kiss. First kiss was the front seat of a Jeep, Feb 16th, in payment for a homework assignment.
That's a lovely story to tell your kids.
Now first love. . . This one is a toughie. I've told five girls that I've loved them. First two didn't mean it, as I would define it now. Under the old Stendhalian philosophy everything counts basically because its the seed of love. But I don't follow Stendhalian philosophy now, so first two, didn't really mean it. Was I enthralled? Heck yea. First two relationships at 16, set a few firsts, it was pretty sweet. But that's not what makes up love.
Third, I'll come back to.
Fourth, Jace, was the first kiss. And there were some seeds of love there, but there was something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. That fundamental wrong led to doubts, and doubts led to the love dying a slow death. That and the fact God kinda kicked us in the collective rear and said "Move on!". Doubt really does kill love, by the way. Doubt is a lack of trust. But I won't get on my soapbox here.
Fifth, is Kate. That was pretty recent actually, and at first I was little unsettled sharing it because I was like "Hey broski, you need to be taking it slow. Telling her 6 months in (officially, its only 3, that 3 month anniversary being today) seems a bit soon. Besides, we still got a year and a half to go (Dearness). So 86 that one!" Well I shared it anyways, because there are certain times where one will feel that something needs to be said, and so I did. There are seeds of love, and they are growing. It'll be interesting to see where we go from here, but I was told that Love was growing together in a very well worded coherent discussion that was simultaneously unlengthy. (Anti-Logorrheas United!) And a good point was made. So right now, we're moving along and learning as we go along, and the seeds that we planted back in August are still growing.
But this is about first love isn't it? And that's the tricky part. What qualifies as first love? Is it when you love a person for the first time, because that's a sticky notion in itself. Eh screw it. I'm just going to assume that's what's meant. I already told you that 1+2, upon review, I did not love. Fourth, could've loved, might've loved, but it didn't last long, because God said it shouldn't exist. So, it was really dead before it blossomed. Five, I'm saying I do love. But what about 3?
Well, 3 is the one who told me that love is linked to growing together. And we had the chance to grow together. There was a point in time between 2 and 4, where we talked. I think we exchanged Myspace messages for the better part of two months before I asked out her out to go see Wall*E, which was amazing. But I really liked this girl. She was / is everything my parents ever told me to look for. But due to extenuating circumstances, it never happened. After some time, I moved onto 4, and then that went south and I spent a good long while evaluating my life, including what I should be looking for. Feelings for 3 hit me in such a way that I felt they hadn't left, so I tolerated them until I couldn't take it any longer so I took a rose, some red ribbon, ink and paper, and I packaged what was in the end a 3 page letter (11 pages until I pared it down. There are some times where I can run long, believe it or not.) and I left it on her porch on a day that I knew she was home and visiting from college. Had she not brought a thousand friends home with her, I would've given it to her in person, but since she had brought a gazillion friends home, I decided it would be best to leave it be and I left it on her porch.
Well, naturally, when you don't talk to someone for the better part of a year and then you leave them [what is probably my greatest work to date], and offer to court them, they usually say no. So she said no. There was a lot of grace in her response, including reasons why she was saying no. She wasn't harsh about it. Upon re-reading it just last week to gather the smallest quote I could to help out a friend, I'm shocked to find that I still think it is probably the best way to have responded no. In my letter to her, I used the phrase "I do not (yet) claim to love you", which eventually became the blog title for Day 44. I basically straight up told her, "I do not love you." Yet in her response, she said that it was troubling that I said that I loved her. Which is kinda funny, because I told that to everyone but her. But I suppose in telling her the things I ended up saying in my letter, it would be easy to make that assumption. Besides, there is no reason to correct her, I have told everyone, and probably will continue to do so, that she was my first love. However, she disagrees with me on whether or not it was really love.
So 3 or 5. One of the two is my first love.
Wow. Talk about a post.
Day 10 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Discuss your first love and first kiss."
Wow. I wonder how many kids have answered this and then later on down the road they'll go "Wel, they weren't really my first love. . . more like my first crush."
*SHUDDER*
Anywho, I'll discuss these out of order, if there really is an intended order.
So first kiss.
At Evangel, I had a habit of. . . "helping" students write their papers for laundry money. $2 for a paper, and $5 for an A, and they were almost always A's. So it's basically $5 a paper. It was also a good way to get spending money, besides selling your iPod touch you customized to say "Put music to our troubles / and we'll dance them away." (The / denoting the two lines) You can't sell an iPod Touch every semester, so I picked up papers when people on my floor started complaining about them. I had the time. Papers are easy and I was staying up late and so I did papers.
Then I kinda started getting interested in the Moor (she wasn't black, but think of a synonym for the alternate definition of "moor" and you'll have the name) and she turned me down the day before V-Day, which kinda sucked; no lie. Well I was complaining about the whole deal to one of her friends, and me and that friend got talking, and I was in an emotionally volatile state. Somehow it came up that I did homework assignments for money. She told me she wouldn't give me money, but she'd give me a hug. I immediately upped the ante. I wanted a kiss. I was 18 and 2/3rds of the way to 19, and I could get a hug any day of the week. If we're going physical, I wanted a damn kiss. That was shortly before 10. The assignment was due at midnight. So we got out to her car, and we talked about theater kissing (which I had barely just started, exactly a month before. Jan 16th to Feb 16th) and then she asked me how that went.
An hour later I emerged from the backseat of her vehicle, and she got a 100 on that assignment. 3 weeks later, we ended up having sex, and that kinda went into a downward spiral from there. But that's further beyond first kiss. First kiss was the front seat of a Jeep, Feb 16th, in payment for a homework assignment.
That's a lovely story to tell your kids.
Now first love. . . This one is a toughie. I've told five girls that I've loved them. First two didn't mean it, as I would define it now. Under the old Stendhalian philosophy everything counts basically because its the seed of love. But I don't follow Stendhalian philosophy now, so first two, didn't really mean it. Was I enthralled? Heck yea. First two relationships at 16, set a few firsts, it was pretty sweet. But that's not what makes up love.
Third, I'll come back to.
Fourth, Jace, was the first kiss. And there were some seeds of love there, but there was something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. That fundamental wrong led to doubts, and doubts led to the love dying a slow death. That and the fact God kinda kicked us in the collective rear and said "Move on!". Doubt really does kill love, by the way. Doubt is a lack of trust. But I won't get on my soapbox here.
Fifth, is Kate. That was pretty recent actually, and at first I was little unsettled sharing it because I was like "Hey broski, you need to be taking it slow. Telling her 6 months in (officially, its only 3, that 3 month anniversary being today) seems a bit soon. Besides, we still got a year and a half to go (Dearness). So 86 that one!" Well I shared it anyways, because there are certain times where one will feel that something needs to be said, and so I did. There are seeds of love, and they are growing. It'll be interesting to see where we go from here, but I was told that Love was growing together in a very well worded coherent discussion that was simultaneously unlengthy. (Anti-Logorrheas United!) And a good point was made. So right now, we're moving along and learning as we go along, and the seeds that we planted back in August are still growing.
But this is about first love isn't it? And that's the tricky part. What qualifies as first love? Is it when you love a person for the first time, because that's a sticky notion in itself. Eh screw it. I'm just going to assume that's what's meant. I already told you that 1+2, upon review, I did not love. Fourth, could've loved, might've loved, but it didn't last long, because God said it shouldn't exist. So, it was really dead before it blossomed. Five, I'm saying I do love. But what about 3?
Well, 3 is the one who told me that love is linked to growing together. And we had the chance to grow together. There was a point in time between 2 and 4, where we talked. I think we exchanged Myspace messages for the better part of two months before I asked out her out to go see Wall*E, which was amazing. But I really liked this girl. She was / is everything my parents ever told me to look for. But due to extenuating circumstances, it never happened. After some time, I moved onto 4, and then that went south and I spent a good long while evaluating my life, including what I should be looking for. Feelings for 3 hit me in such a way that I felt they hadn't left, so I tolerated them until I couldn't take it any longer so I took a rose, some red ribbon, ink and paper, and I packaged what was in the end a 3 page letter (11 pages until I pared it down. There are some times where I can run long, believe it or not.) and I left it on her porch on a day that I knew she was home and visiting from college. Had she not brought a thousand friends home with her, I would've given it to her in person, but since she had brought a gazillion friends home, I decided it would be best to leave it be and I left it on her porch.
Well, naturally, when you don't talk to someone for the better part of a year and then you leave them [what is probably my greatest work to date], and offer to court them, they usually say no. So she said no. There was a lot of grace in her response, including reasons why she was saying no. She wasn't harsh about it. Upon re-reading it just last week to gather the smallest quote I could to help out a friend, I'm shocked to find that I still think it is probably the best way to have responded no. In my letter to her, I used the phrase "I do not (yet) claim to love you", which eventually became the blog title for Day 44. I basically straight up told her, "I do not love you." Yet in her response, she said that it was troubling that I said that I loved her. Which is kinda funny, because I told that to everyone but her. But I suppose in telling her the things I ended up saying in my letter, it would be easy to make that assumption. Besides, there is no reason to correct her, I have told everyone, and probably will continue to do so, that she was my first love. However, she disagrees with me on whether or not it was really love.
So 3 or 5. One of the two is my first love.
Wow. Talk about a post.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Day 73: Repeat. Sadly.
Day 9 of the 30 Day Challenge: "How you hope your future will be like."
Sure thing hippie. I want it to be. . . content.
Sure thing hippie. I want it to be. . . content.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day 72: See Days 34, 56, 44, 39, 13, 64. . .
Day 8 of the 30 Day Challenge: "A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life."
And other moments I haven't even been able to share with you. Oddly enough most of those blogs are Pre-Kate, but I guess I don't talk much substance about our relationship, just vague allusions to acknowledge the relationship. Let's face it. This isn't a place for you to read the details about my love life. That's personal, which makes this hard to write I suppose, since I can't share those with you.
This'll have to do.
And other moments I haven't even been able to share with you. Oddly enough most of those blogs are Pre-Kate, but I guess I don't talk much substance about our relationship, just vague allusions to acknowledge the relationship. Let's face it. This isn't a place for you to read the details about my love life. That's personal, which makes this hard to write I suppose, since I can't share those with you.
This'll have to do.
Day 71: Keep the Lights On (A quick break)
Man, I miss putting up some real blogs. I guess when I started the blog itself, I wanted to cover topics like religion, horoscopes, etc. so I could give you my ever-important two cents on the matter and send you away with just that much more knowledge that would make you a better person and citizen and friend and et al. But I don't know. Somewhere along the way I lost that fire. Why? Because last year I realized I don't have it all together. That hit somewhere between waiting for the pregnancy test results outside of a walmart bathroom to having to move home in shame since I mustered a whopping 1.6 GPA for the Spring semester. Those are not the marks of a person who has it together, so it was quite obvious the attitude of this blog needed to change. Big time. And you know what, it has.
There are a few reasons for this.
Firstly, the girl I'm chasing is one I'm actually talking to on a regular basis. There's a real relationship, and not some vague strong connection that's entirely one-sided. . . I think I'd better leave it at that. I'd sound even more like a creeper if I went further.
Secondly, I've been eating some humble pie as time has gone on, though I think I digested some of it. I seem to be regressing slightly, but not enough to pull the parachute cord yet. And I'm not really sure what that's a metaphor for, honestly.
Thirdly, I'm writing what I feel rather than what I think. I've cried, I've laughed, I've reminisced, I've planned, and I've been me on this blog. I've invested in it. That's just a wonderful feeling/"And that's an encouraging thought" (As Gandalf would put it).
Fourthly, I've been more and more focused on my vertical relationship, and that means being more in tune with what really makes me tick, and changing out the cogs as needed. Which has been more than I really care to admit.
Fifthly, because some of my good friends (and greatest memories, as I put it so long ago) follow this, and it's not always possible to really stay caught up with them all the time, this seems like a good place to give an update on my life. Kinda one sided, but its a good starting point. People can pray if they know whats up.
Sixthly, I've never typed out sixthly so I decided I'd add another point just so I could type out sixthly for the very first time. And second. And third.
Now if you're especially talented, as I'm sure you are, and bored, as I'm sure you are, you may notice a connection between what I just stated above and the short answers to the weird little questions, and you really should've noticed it because I just remembered that I mentioned it directly. . . sheesh my memory sucks. Anywho, I try to avoid answering deep questions. Counsel is one thing, but I'm not normally here to tell you if I think humanity can time travel, which used to be my favorite one.
It's a crazy life.
There are a few reasons for this.
Firstly, the girl I'm chasing is one I'm actually talking to on a regular basis. There's a real relationship, and not some vague strong connection that's entirely one-sided. . . I think I'd better leave it at that. I'd sound even more like a creeper if I went further.
Secondly, I've been eating some humble pie as time has gone on, though I think I digested some of it. I seem to be regressing slightly, but not enough to pull the parachute cord yet. And I'm not really sure what that's a metaphor for, honestly.
Thirdly, I'm writing what I feel rather than what I think. I've cried, I've laughed, I've reminisced, I've planned, and I've been me on this blog. I've invested in it. That's just a wonderful feeling/"And that's an encouraging thought" (As Gandalf would put it).
Fourthly, I've been more and more focused on my vertical relationship, and that means being more in tune with what really makes me tick, and changing out the cogs as needed. Which has been more than I really care to admit.
Fifthly, because some of my good friends (and greatest memories, as I put it so long ago) follow this, and it's not always possible to really stay caught up with them all the time, this seems like a good place to give an update on my life. Kinda one sided, but its a good starting point. People can pray if they know whats up.
Sixthly, I've never typed out sixthly so I decided I'd add another point just so I could type out sixthly for the very first time. And second. And third.
Now if you're especially talented, as I'm sure you are, and bored, as I'm sure you are, you may notice a connection between what I just stated above and the short answers to the weird little questions, and you really should've noticed it because I just remembered that I mentioned it directly. . . sheesh my memory sucks. Anywho, I try to avoid answering deep questions. Counsel is one thing, but I'm not normally here to tell you if I think humanity can time travel, which used to be my favorite one.
It's a crazy life.
Day 70: Until When We Both Are Ghosts
Day 7 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Really? This is like the 3rd or 4th boring question I've gotten in the first week. I'm a cancer, which isn't very comforting at all. AT ALL. The alternative name is Moon Child. Now I'm feeling like I'm reminded of why I really have never cared about any of this at all. So, I'm just going to skip the whole "if you think it fits your personality". I'm pretty sure if I lived in a world of clouds and never saw the stars, I would probably have the same personality than if I followed what some old dead guy said about my future.
Not to be mean or anything, but there's nothing interesting.
Really? This is like the 3rd or 4th boring question I've gotten in the first week. I'm a cancer, which isn't very comforting at all. AT ALL. The alternative name is Moon Child. Now I'm feeling like I'm reminded of why I really have never cared about any of this at all. So, I'm just going to skip the whole "if you think it fits your personality". I'm pretty sure if I lived in a world of clouds and never saw the stars, I would probably have the same personality than if I followed what some old dead guy said about my future.
Not to be mean or anything, but there's nothing interesting.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 69: A Feather.
Day 6 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Write 30 interesting facts about yourself."
1. I know phrases in eight languages.
2. I read the Lord of the Rings/Silmarillion/Hobbit combo for 8 straight years, and after taking last year off I plan to start again.
3. On April 1st, I will become a business owner.
4. I'm a recorded artist.
5. I ran a 8 minute mile on absolutely no preparation or workouts.
6. I've lived in Mexico.
7. My first job was at a waterpark.
8. I've never been further than 40,000 words into a novel, the project being affectionately titled The English Cloak and Dagger
9. I've opened up four major novel projects, none of which I've finished.
10. I started my own high school club.
11. I'm friends with one of the members of the David Crowder Band.
12. The only wedding I've ever been to, I was a part of.
13. I've had two major surgeries.
14. I've been medically disqualified by 3 military branches for active service.
15. I love playing older characters in Shakespeare Plays.
16. I once had the entire first LotR movie memorized, and I bet I still do.
17. I do have The Emperors New Groove memorized.
18. Many of my tendencies to err musically are tendencies normal to drummers, not guitarists.
19. I've shaved my head twice.
20. Clint Mansell is my favorite composer.
21. I've gotten to meet my #1/#2 author, Ted Dekker.
22. I started singing seriously about a month before my first concert.
23. I've played in 3 concerts.
24. I've been a member of a Mexican soccer team.
25. My first kiss went to theater.
26. The only two arts im not good at are dancing and painting/drawing.
27. I spent two years in high school.
28. I have been to one high school dance, and I danced with exactly one person, and I didn't even know them.
29. I've wrecked my truck once, and my parents have wrecked it three times.
30. I have scars from growth, paintball, snakes, straightening irons, lights, blades, surgery, swingsets, screws, compasses, and a few others that I honestly have no clue on how they got there.
"Could we head for some place,
Where everything happens for a reason.
The scenery of somewhere else.
I wish things were that simple,
That leaving solves everything.
That departing covers mistakes you've made,
The wrong turns you took years ago,
That leaving solves everything."
-Jeniferever
1. I know phrases in eight languages.
2. I read the Lord of the Rings/Silmarillion/Hobbit combo for 8 straight years, and after taking last year off I plan to start again.
3. On April 1st, I will become a business owner.
4. I'm a recorded artist.
5. I ran a 8 minute mile on absolutely no preparation or workouts.
6. I've lived in Mexico.
7. My first job was at a waterpark.
8. I've never been further than 40,000 words into a novel, the project being affectionately titled The English Cloak and Dagger
9. I've opened up four major novel projects, none of which I've finished.
10. I started my own high school club.
11. I'm friends with one of the members of the David Crowder Band.
12. The only wedding I've ever been to, I was a part of.
13. I've had two major surgeries.
14. I've been medically disqualified by 3 military branches for active service.
15. I love playing older characters in Shakespeare Plays.
16. I once had the entire first LotR movie memorized, and I bet I still do.
17. I do have The Emperors New Groove memorized.
18. Many of my tendencies to err musically are tendencies normal to drummers, not guitarists.
19. I've shaved my head twice.
20. Clint Mansell is my favorite composer.
21. I've gotten to meet my #1/#2 author, Ted Dekker.
22. I started singing seriously about a month before my first concert.
23. I've played in 3 concerts.
24. I've been a member of a Mexican soccer team.
25. My first kiss went to theater.
26. The only two arts im not good at are dancing and painting/drawing.
27. I spent two years in high school.
28. I have been to one high school dance, and I danced with exactly one person, and I didn't even know them.
29. I've wrecked my truck once, and my parents have wrecked it three times.
30. I have scars from growth, paintball, snakes, straightening irons, lights, blades, surgery, swingsets, screws, compasses, and a few others that I honestly have no clue on how they got there.
"Could we head for some place,
Where everything happens for a reason.
The scenery of somewhere else.
I wish things were that simple,
That leaving solves everything.
That departing covers mistakes you've made,
The wrong turns you took years ago,
That leaving solves everything."
-Jeniferever
Day 68: Battling Sickness, Lateness, and alot of other nesses
Day 5 of the 30 Day Challenge: "A time you thought about ending your own life."
I don't think I was ever so serious about it to the point that I put the knife to the skin type of thing. Seeing my brother almost bleed to death (and how awful that was) probably kept me from doing anything stupid during my later, darker years.
I don't think I was ever so serious about it to the point that I put the knife to the skin type of thing. Seeing my brother almost bleed to death (and how awful that was) probably kept me from doing anything stupid during my later, darker years.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 67: He's a shorty.
Day 4 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your views on religion."
It's the hardest thing to master I know of.
It's the hardest thing to master I know of.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Day 66: Easy Going
So here's Day 3, and it feels like a break. That sounds bad but oh well.
Day 3 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your views on drugs and alcohol."
Day 3 can be summed up in two sentences.
No to drugs, and No to drunkeness and underage drinking.
Day 3 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your views on drugs and alcohol."
Day 3 can be summed up in two sentences.
No to drugs, and No to drunkeness and underage drinking.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Day 65: The Transparency Continues
Day 2 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Where You'd Like to Be in 10 Years.
That's the struggle, ain't it? Even as an almost twenty year old junior in college, I can't seem to decide on where I want to be, so I'll break this post into two even halves. (For those of you who push transparency, this is doing wonders already.) These two halves shall be represented by two main ideas: What I feel Led to do, and What I am/have considered doing instead.
Firstly, what I feel led to do. It should be important to note beforehand that in ten years I'm extremely sure I'll be married to a female, and I'll probably have my first or second kid on the way. I'v felt God leading me towards seminary, which means that given that I'll be graduated from seminary in 6 years, I'll be somewhere in like my 3rd or 4th year of ministry, and I'll be living in some apartment or possibly a Parsonage (if they still exist) and doing everything that I've felt God has called me to do.
But I won't lie to you. Most days, that's not the truthful answer to the question. That's the default answer, and it'll be a huge shocker to my family and friends when I don't hit seminary (which is a possibility) but if I don't feel the leading of God to do it, which is a huge possibility since it's the one relationship that has spiraled out of control since everything went to hell and back (Back is the important part.), I wouldn't do it. You cannot be successful and productive in ministry without God's blessing because sooner or later it will all crumble. Duct-tape does not build houses.
So thats where this second half comes into play. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm a musician. As I mentioned a few posts before that, I own a publishing company and am simultaneously working on my own novel. On top of that I'm a history major with a minor in counseling, and I could get a job as a cop for 60,000 a year pretty easily. Lots of stuff within my breadth. I suppose that's the benefits of being a Jack of All Trades (but Master of None).
Honestly, I'd go the safest route. Two years of post-grad, get my masters in history, teach and write/music on the side. Probably my top professor back at EU was a lawyer before he was a full-time professor, and he described it as "early retirement". I don't know about you, but I'll take that at 24.
In the meantime, I guess I'll get to see which one I end up going for.
Sidenote, sorry about the variances between the different posts. Because I'm copying the 30 day challenge from someone else, it's messing with my font style, and then I saved this one and came back to it later and it was doing all sorts of junk. Yeah, it sucks, but I'm trying.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Day 64: "And now the strings"
I decided I'm going to help my blog numbers and have a bit of fun by doing the *drumroll*
THIRTY DAY CHALLENGE
Yeah that was cheesy. Get over it. I think it's interesting because of the one's I've seen, it asks some pretty straightforward questions without being silly, and since I don't get any feedback back from you guys really (Seriously. I thought that I put out my email [ stumblersparadise@gmail.com ]. Use it) so it's a chance to put some stuff on the blog that I haven't necessarily screened. It may get interesting.
Day 1 of the 30 Day Challenge: "Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is."
Well there's always at least four days attached to your love life, so its good to get at least one out of the way pretty quick.
Well I quickly discovered this week that I can type a whole bunch on this subject. I sent a document to a friend that was 3,030 words long basically detailing just a few days of my relationship with Kate. Roughly three thousand words, and three days. Logorrhea at it's finest I suppose, although he still has the leg up on me. I can't say anyone has ever sent me 11,764 words detailing four days of their life before. But this isn't about him. It's about Kate. Knowing things like this, he'll come up later.
Well, Kate. Things between Kate and I tend to go pretty well. We may have a serious discussion once in a blue moon, but we really haven't had the first fight yet and we're almost three months in. That kinda scares me a little because I know I'm pretty hard-headed, and in some ways she reminds me of me, so if she has that characteristic, it could get ugly. It's one of those things I have no idea what we'd fight about, but there's some sort of lingering fear I guess. It's not a rational fear like I feel I really have something to be worried about, but I'm just worried about it.
Like I'm worried about her heart condition. Pacemaker surgery is pretty easy nowadays, since you get the surgery and get sent home same-day, but the most dangerous part of that surgery is when they destroy the part of your heart that makes it tick since they're putting in a artificial thingamajig that does it. Which means for a few seconds you are clinically dead. I've tossed the idea around in my head of watching that surgery, but that comes down to IF they'll allow me to observe, and IF it happens. I'd be more comfortable with things if healing rained down from heaven and I never had to worry about it again. (And you thought my readers were limited to people that live in huts. Pish posh). Once again, this is one of those deals that's not really worth worrying about until a surgery is scheduled, but yet. . .
But let's talk about a few positives shall we? What can I brag on. . . Ah yes. The dancer. I was spotted playing the air drums in my car to a little At the Drive In, and I got a text about it and how silly it looked cuz I was really into it and all. Same goes for air guitar, air mic, and air instruments in general. I'm a musician, I find myself doing musical things at random. She is a dancer. She does toe points. It's hilarious because she freaks out about it, but I think it's awesome. It's kinda cool really.
I think its funny that everyone at work keeps going "Ben, yor gurl iz prittee" (I'm no good at Onomatopoeia, ok?). Really, once you sit down and think about it, its kinda insulting. OF COURSE SHE'S GOOD LOOKING (Use whichever variation of good you like. I prefer 'beautiful' but thats me). That's kinda why I picked her. "Silliness! Silliness! You are full of silliness!" The implication is that they expected me to pick an ugly girl, which is the insulting part of the whole mess. There have been a few other comments that have to do more with certain physical features, but I'll leave those alone. I plead the fifth.
I've gotten to see her asleep, awake, upset, happy, tired, awake, chipper, serious, jokesy, and a smorgasbord (That's actually a word. Since it's after midnight, so far that is the highlight of my day) of other emotions. I can't decide which I like best, her asleep for the peace and happiness she displays, or her in my arms (Going off how she's been lately. The best word for it is "glowing". I seriously thought about putting "Gloeing" and getting a chuckle out of that, but I'll stick with "glowing"). In both cases, the emotion has completely eroded anything that's not beautiful from her face, no contortions, no twisting wrinkles, and it's a sight that I want to catch on camera. As luck would have it, I dont have a working camera really, so I'm really hoping to get to see it at the photoshoot next month. I need a date for that.
Anywho.
Naturally, she is beautiful. She is talented. She's kind-hearted. She's hard working. She's driven. She's honest. It's funny, trying to make a list of things that you take for granted and you don't have to think about because you know it's there, and you don't really have to wonder about it.
She is devious, and a good cook. I almost forgot those.
I think thats enough for Day 1. Can't bore you with my ramblings.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Day 63: Learn it Forward
Yes, the title is a reference to the movie Pay it Forward, which was one of the movies everyone thought I was in since I looked like Haley Joel Osment as a kid. Instead of paying it forward though, which is a nice cute concept in and of itself that will never take hold since Humanity is inherently selfish and will be that way for a long long long long time. And by long long long long time, I mean
Oh Christ when You're ready to come back
I think I'm ready for You to come back
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay too - it's really none of my business.
I think I'm ready for You to come back
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay too - it's really none of my business.
-- Obligatory mewithoutYou quote, "Carousels"
Anywho, on with the post.
Pay it Forward was meant to be a play on Pay it back. Someone does you wrong, you do wrong back. In the classic positive movie manner though, it was if someone does something nice for you, you do it nice back (for payback). Pay it Forward differed in that it encouraged you to (get ready for it) Pay it FORWARD, aka to someone else. Well, they had a play on words, so by golly, I'm going to have one myself. Instead of pay it forward, its learn it forward (So far this post is being extremely obvious.)
I've been going to my one steady college friend for advice for a while. . . as long as college has been is a while, and he comes to me for advice. There are some times where it's like the blind leading the blind, others where we play tug of war because we're going for different directions, and still others where we're wondering why we paid the other guy to be a guide on the trip up the molehill. But as best as we can, which is a struggle in itself, we move forward, we move on, and we live as best as we know how, helping the other stumble upon the same road as best as we can. This is called Learning it back. We learn from each other and each other and each other and each other. Oddly enough it seems to work to some extent, although that just means we're still alive. Never mind that I'm one eyed, club-footed, both arms in a cast, covered in scars, paying millions in medical bills for surgeries, heart beating to the tune of a computer, blood being filtered by a machine, and crying my eyes out in the form of blood: I'm still alive and that's what counts.
That sounds like a horrible existence.
Instead of learn it back, there's learn it forward (Yes, I know it feels like I'm insulting your intelligence. Go with me here.) Old people do so much by trying to give us wisdom, and some of it is actually worth absorbing, but if you don't pass on what you learn to those behind you, they're behind the 8 ball, and they have to play catch up. It's rather unfair. It's like the man who was forgiven of his large debt and then went and played bully to the man that owed him a small debt - Silly notion. So learn it forward. What you learn, as you learn how it works, pass it on. Find someone to counsel. Theres the LawnCare Man at work (I call him that because he never realized his nametag said Edger instead of Edgar, which isn't even his real name since his mom started inserting random letters his name) who's young and upcoming as it were, and as a junior the kid has a lot of questions regarding colleges, careers, and life in general. I try to help him and hang with him as much as I can, and I think its because I see a measure of myself in him and I'd hate to see him go as far down this road as I've gone. But I'm "learning it forward", passing on what I know to someone who doesn't know. It goes back to what I was saying in. . . wow. I thought for sure I had a blog post where I mentioned the willingness to use my testimony, but that must've been in a conversation with a friend, or else I just can't find it. Anyways, one of the things I've grown comfortable with is being open. I try not to just air out everything to the world (for those of you who follow this blog regularly, that's a funny notion, I know) but I try to use it a learning/teaching manner. Basically, say "Hey, I think the last three letters of the alphabet are X, Y, and Z and here's how I've found it to be true in my own life."
This came to me because IBB (Idea Bouncing Board) was (figuratively) wearing Blackface to a KKK meeting, which basically means he hit a rough patch, and he was doing the learning back thing (which isn't entirely bad, don't get me wrong here. Its good to seek regular counsel.). Frankly, the situation sounded rather familiar and the best advice I could think to give him rests in a letter that represented the reply that I called a "Closure" in Day 36 and Day 37. I remember the letter pretty well because out of all the relationships, ghosts of relationships, possibles, things lost, and anything else that could probably be connected to the label "Pre-Kate", it's the only thing that still holds meaning. It's not because the person sending the letter still means something or anything like that (There was closure after all), but it's just the only thing I have left that wasn't just a "It's over, and let's go our separate ways", but rather "before you go, here's a map for where you're wanting to go. so far as I know, its the best map, and its the same one i'm using, but these maps are really cool because they operate on the same concept, but the Cartographer has designed them to lead to the right place for us personally rather than us as a collective, because He cares about us that much." Translation: It's a no, but here's the best advice I can give you for the road ahead.
Learning it forward.
I'm still the only person who's held the letter, and I'm still the only person who's ever read it. In fact, I think the only time anyone's even seen the letter besides me out of the envelope was the IBB, and all I showed him was the signature over Skype since I thought the penmanship was outstanding. I never really shared the direct content with anyone but her, so I guess I just figured I'd keep the response to myself as well. It'll definitely be something I show to my kids, because it's an awesome map, and its full of great advice in spite of its length (one full page, one sided, single spaced may not sound like much, but my original draft to her was 11 pages long). I told the IBB that depending on my mood when he asked, I might read it to him, which is a true statement. If he asked at one point, I might pull it out and read it to him and discuss the stuff in it with him and all, but call two minutes later and I might just leave it where it is. There is some measure of fear attached to it because of the meaning it holds. As far as most desired object of 2010, that was probably it. But I realize at some point I will need to share it. It's best to Learn it Forward, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready.
On a separate unrelated note, there are times when I'm talking to the LawnCare Man that I'm reminded of a comic strip that I would repost here were it not for the language and NSFB(Not Safe For Blogs) content, but the basic premise of the strip was the main character sees one of his old buddies that used to be a staple of the strip but disappeared only to show up in this one strip. They exchange pleasantries, and the "What have you been up to lately?"s, and a regular reader would know how that question would be answered for the main character, but Steve has been gone for a year and a half real time, so somethings up. You see various scenes of 007 inspired action, espionage work culminating in a massive explosion and helicopters and stuff. The guy's verbal response? "Eh, not much." And that's exactly how I feel when I talk to LawnCare Man. When I think about my life, I don't think its much in the special category, but the kid just loves listening to me talk or he's actually that enthralled with my past. It's funny. I guess I just wanted to end this blog on a good note, since it most definitely is over. and I have to be up in four hours. Wonderful.
The world is ours
If we would only let it be.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
- Sleeping at Last "Hurry"
If we would only let it be.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
- Sleeping at Last "Hurry"
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)