Day 103: Introspective

As iron sharpens iron so does one man another
And that's what God intended us to do (Psalm 27:17) - CHL/David

“When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold, because they believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful” - Barbara Bloom

(Oh yes I know there are fragments in here. Trademarks are on the way!)

It's funny to think that when this blog started as Stumblers Paradise last May (my God; it's been only a year? Feels like two), I was in the process of rebuilding my life. June 4-6, I had gotten out of my first pseudo-serious relationship, and I was in the return stage of my prodigal journey. I was rediscovering G-d, and in the process rediscovering myself. They say that you really step into your own in your first year of college, but for me it was probably the summer after when I finally did all the growing up I had/desperately needed to do. I became the man, Benjamin Knox Gathright, that a lot of people (including my parents for sure) were waiting to see.

And it was a very beautiful time of my life. The cracks were filled with gold and it was Beauty that resuscitated me.

I began to feel like I could live. Like I could exist, I could be! I began to hope.
Then in July I ran into another soul, and I decided this was my chance to see how far I'd come. I thought before I spoke. I was careful in my dealings, respectful of her privacy and our modesty (well what was left of mine). I went from making out in the backseat of a Jeep to standing on a porch for four hours just talking -- no physical contact whatsoever -- because I wanted to know who the person was.

Eventually it progressed, and one night after a failed attempt to show off by picking her up (I'm weak, she's not overweight in the least), I gave her a very innocent kiss. The memory of that night. . . is not vivid, but the emotions it stirs up are overwhelming. It was just a beautiful night, shared by two beautiful people both healing from wounds.

Time progressed and we got the parents permission to start dating, because I wanted to do things the way I want my kids to do it. Properly. Courting really. Falling in love is more than hugs and kisses and exposed skin. It's the bonding of two hearts, being knit together carefully and passionately (I hate using that word because I'm not trying to be sexual about it. How we have ruined the English language so!). I want my kids to come to me and ask for advice on the one they meet. I want to meet that other person. Get to know them. Have my kids wait until marriage (that is NOT an antiquated idea. It's still my biggest regret).

So I did my best to follow my own rules. And I slipped up a few times along the way. I did at one point refer to myself as the Stumbler after all.

Those slip ups have been eating at me in the. . . [is it already a week now?] since I last saw her. It started feeling like I wasn't really committed to her, as in who she is underneath the blood and bone, but just out of indifference. It didn't feel as strong as it used to. (Keep reading. Believe me, the end [of the blog] is amazing. If you're tearing up, just think about how often I'm wiping the keyboard.) Over the course of the week it also came out that my parents found out about my plans to propose. . . and it wasn't the way I wanted them to find out. So I talked to my brother. We had a good long chat (well it was really more him rambling on while I listened and gave him slight nudges as to what I needed to hear), and he said things. . . things I once believed, but no longer did.

I've done a lot of soul searching since. It's been rough. I've cried. I've laughed. I've reminisced. I've shouted. I've whispered. I've apologized. I could go on with this list for a pretty big paragraph but let's cut it short because that's not the part you need to read, or the part that I need to type/say. Like I said, rough couple of days.

But then I realized where I was. And I was a lot closer to where I was at the start of this blog than I felt comfortable with. I don't want to be anywhere near the start of that blog where I was all scratched and dinged up. But that's how I felt. I looked down, and I realized the truth -- I am deteriorating fast. And I need to get to back to where I need to be.

I've been rethinking my immediate (RE: 1-3 years) future, and my plans for such. At some point I'll need to sit down with Kaitlin (since yes, we are still together. That has never been a question) and we'll need to discuss all of this, but with our schedules who knows when that will be.

In the meantime, I suppose I should remind myself of something.

The summer mantra:
Respect Women
Respect Parents
-Respect & Follow God-

and

I've said all this to say,
I feel like an idiot and that I should apologize, but in light of everything, I won't. I'm not sure I'm ready.
I feel like a fake, but I have no earthly clue how to fix it, nor how to muster the courage to ask Him.
I am hasty, and I am so many other things I thought were gone.

I need something more than me.

no they'll never take the good years
God i wish i would've learned -William Fitzsimmons