Day 102: Alone

So for everything You left,
and all of the glory You forfeit,
no matter how low You were sent,
you still couldn't know what it's like to be alone.
Disgraced but You were never alone.
Betrayed but You were never alone.
Tortured but still never alone
and nothing is worse than being alone.

-- My Epic, "Alone"

Well It's almost midnight and I was all like, "I'm totally gonna write! I got this *deleted to protect secrecy of next project* project I need to work on!" Then I was all like, "Nah brah, I'm going to blog man!"

So I'm blogging.

Here's what scares me. You see all these movies and hear these stories of successful men who were entrepreneurs in their own way, and they made millions but they could never work it out with wife #1, 2, or the five girlfriends after them. So they get all the success and accomplishments and the ability to really just do what you want (because, let's face it, as long as it's legal you can do pretty much anything with $100 million USD) but they have no one to share it with. And that hurts me just seeing it because I love giving gifts. You can't give gifts unless there's someone to receive it. I don't want to end up alone when this is all said and done. That's now how I want to be at 40.

But in reality that shouldn't be a problem. And I don't think it will be a problem; but thinking and knowing are two different things. It's hard to totally block out everyone who keeps ragging on age and maturity (for one or both of us) and how the lack of whichever one they see will break us up before I've been gone a month. Worse still when it just happened to one of them who had their Fiancee of 14 months move away and the next week they were separated for good. I don't want to go through any separation, be it the end of the relationship or the distance between us.

I told myself I was going to condition us for the separation. I was going to slowly see her less and less so that way the move wouldn't be a big deal. That didn't happen. Getting to spend the night with her once or twice was a huge treat, and, what can I say, I want to have that every night. I want to run to a chapel and marry her on the spot. I don't feel like waiting an entire year dammit! This needs to happen soon. For whatever reason, I feel like saying "I Do" is beating the final boss, and then I get to enjoy the prize of winning for the rest of my life.

Because I wouldn't make it alone at 40 as successful as I could be.

And for those going, "Well there's always other fish in the sea. . . " I have two things to say.
"Yes, but all the rest of them are magikarps"
And
I promised her she'd be the last, and not just to make her feel good. If I had to endure another breakup, the cons of a relationship would far outweigh the benefits. It hurts too damn much.

I suppose that's all I have for tonight. Goodnight.