Day 7: The Lonely Walk

The man wore a simple frock coat and walked with an uneven gait. His face was downcast, his shoulders slumped. His rough leather hands were shoved into his coat pockets. A dirty downcast man walking down the lane.

Beside him walked a young woman in a soft dress. The beige fabric hung down below her knees where it used to cover her ankles. Her beautiful dark brown hair matched the sandals onn her dusty feet. A plain young common woman walking down the lane.

Without any word, the young man became overwhelmed with emotion, and he brought his hand up to cover his face from some unseen terror. “Ho!”; and he was silent. His cry silenced the wild-life as it brought him down to a knee. His beloved moved to him quickly and tried to pull him back up, but his weighted sobs kept him down.

He pulled himself to a nearby tree, an ancient oak whose leaves had seen greener days. His beloved hesitantly set herself down at his side. Her hand found it’s way to his, but he showed no new emotion. It traveled to his shoulder, and he breathed deeply. A slight touch of his cheek, and she felt the quiver, but he still did not look at her. She set her head in his lap, and it eased his tension.

He began to stroke her hair. “I saw hell.”

She looked him in horror. “See you the devil?”

He shook his head, distant. “No; nor the flames and coals that the reverend spoke of.”

“Then what saw you?”

He paused, hesitant.

“I saw your gravestone. It stood high, with the little statues and angels. Flowers were laid across the grass, fresh flowers. You died in 1721.”

She gasped. “But that is next year!”

Tears began to flow freely from his cheeks. “Yes”, he sobbed.

She embraced him tightly. “Don’t fret. It’s too early for me to die.”

“It was not just that. There was an inscription on your gravestone. I-i-i-i-i-t read, ‘To our beloved wife, the Countess.’”

“Countess!” She looked away.

A fell look rose in his eyes. “Countess. You forget about me dear. There’s nothing I can. . .” He broke off, overcome with emotion. “Your gravestone was not all I saw. Next to your grave was another, a small unmarked grave. It was half dug, with a simple coffin seen among the patches of dirt.” A pause. “It was my grave.”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes. “It cannot be! I am common, and we are young. We have many years left.” They cried together for awhile. She tried to ease his sorrow, but he refused to be comforted.

TO BE CONTINUED

Day 6: Admissions

(Present Day)

I used to love you, but now I’m just in love with a memory; and that’s that hardest thing to admit to you.

One question I hate answering is “If your spouse died, would you remarry?” Most “What ifs . . . ?” really aren’t that bad, but this one is dependent on extreme tragedy. I honestly don’t think I would remarry, simply because my greatest tragic fault is that I fall in love with the idea of people.

The greatest example is R (funny how she remains the greatest example of my faults). We maintained very close communication for about two months, and since we’ve barely talked. All the same, from the time we’ve talked to now even, she remains the Picture Perfect of happiness, just a sweet & tender example of the picture of love. A small part of me is still drawn to her, despite all conscious and subconscious efforts to quench this desire; something I do only because I know that I am no longer in love with her, but rather with the idea of her.

I no longer know her! Yes, I can read her blogs, facebook-stalk her, myspace-stalk her, and I can ask all of my friends how they’re doing, and if they’ve heard from any of our fellow peers who graduated us, hoping to hear the words, “Yeah, funny you mention that. The other day I talked to . . .” But even if I know where she is, what she tweets, blogs or anything else, I still do not know her. Yes, I know her physical shape, her beautiful cheeks and countenance that has driven me mad for two years, but I still do not know her. I simply have my memories of what she was two years ago, back in 2008, when I was brave/foolish enough to talk to her. All these years, yet she is nothing more than a memory; yet that is enough.

In answer to the question above which has been posed to me many a time, I say I would not remarry. If I feel this way towards a girl I knew for two months, how much stronger will this feeling be to the woman I marry?

Day 5: Inhuman

(early February)

I feel calloused. Removed. Inhuman. I live in a community; I am not a part of it. I have “friends” but I do not entirely care for the,. They are there to fill a hole, willingly, but should they chose to leave, I feel no urgency to stop them. I’ve dealt with death, but I do not feel moved. Music, the arts, stories, encounters; NOTHING moves me! Nothing AFFECTS me! I find myself more afraid of the fact that I have no fear fo anything but my own death. I’m afraid that Christianity, which I embraced as a child and yet find myself at odds with now, is the truth. I feel that if it is true -

O G-d. What have I done?

Day 4: Psyche

(Mid-March)

Every touch is a drug

I’d give it all for you, but I have nothing left

Is a kiss more intimate if it’s laced with tears

Kisses filled with tears

Soldier on to your death

All for ourselves, none for you

The human psyche is amazing. I’ve not studied it in coursework, but as I see how people behave and analyze motivations, it never ceases to amaze me. I am still looking for the definition of humanity, but selfishness seems to be on the forefront, though I’m sure it’s not the only thing. Subconsciously or consciously, the American mindset is playing Monopoly, a free-for-all zero sum game where only one person can win at other’s expense. Because we continually promote it and play it, we’ve learned to look out for ourselves pretty well. Religious nuts (and I mean that the best way possible) will tell you/ lie to you that they’ve broken free of it, but by no uncertain terms do I think that is hogwash. In times of stress, we revert to our instincts, and our instincts dictate that we act in our own self interest.

A few days ago, a girl that I very much care for and cares for me in return, told me that we could no longer be together because she needed to focus on her relationship with G-d, and our togetherness was impeding and would continue to impede on that, which is the truth. I’m rather torn in this situation. Half of me says that because we really do care for each other we should find some way to reconcile the two desires, which would be beneficial to both of us, but more me. The other half says that if I truly care for her, I should be able to respect her desires and step down to let her pursue those desires. It’s a war that I stand to lose. The logical “I” that I want to win when I think with my head is the one where I step away. However, it’s also the weaker side of me, for when I’m with her and when I think about what I want, I want her back. I want to hold her, to wipe the tears she sheds in my twisted imagination, to kiss her tenderly, and all those gloriously cheesy things I could list. That’s the side that wins the majority of the time, and I hate that about myself. I feel that I’ve stolen those precious moments just to alleviate the pain, which ironically hurts worse in the end. But as Social Darwinism would have it, I still pursue my own pleasures. In times of stress, humanity reverts to instincts.

“So quick bright things come to confusion.”

• Lysander, Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream

Day 3: That which I no longer believe

“Rejection is God's protection.”

BLEGH
Really now? This deserves a spoiler warning.

SPOILER WARNING

If you believe in “The One” that you are destined to marry from birth determined by whatever god you may worship, or if you believe in the God of American Christianity as presented by the pastor of your congregation, you’re very likely to be offended, potentially strongly offended, by what I’m about to say, because to some it could be considered heretical in some circles, but I hardly think so.

END SPOILER... and let the fun begin

Rejection is God’s protection. Saw that on my Facebook wall, and I laughed. Really. It was posted by a girl, which really means nothing in the long run, but I thought it’d be nice to mention. Girls traditionally are usually the ones rejecting the guy, not the other way around, so by simply making the statement, she’s basically saying that God is using her saying “No” to a guy as a way to protect him. Because we all know that girls are perfect angels and God uses them to keep men’s hearts from going astray. Just... no.

Second, that’s assuming that it is God’s will for the girl to say no. I’d have a hard time arguing that it isn’t God’s PERMISSIVE will, meaning he allows a girl to say no if she wants to say no (we do have Free Will, despite what Calvin said). Is it God’s PERFECT will? Who knows? I certainly don’t. I don’t even know if God really cares who we date and/or marry so long as they’re Christian (the unequally yoked verse everyone likes to quote). I do however think it is rather prideful to say that God is using your decision of yea or nay to protect a boy’s heart. I hardly think that saying no to a date is in any way a protection of the kids heart.

Think about it.

You say no. You either delay or ensure that a relationship between the two of you will never happen, which means that the possibility of a bad relationship and/or breakup that hurts him is greatly reduced or completely eradicated. Congratulations, you have made a choice. It sure looks like you’ve done a great deed at this point, and you did it while being selfish, so what you wanted actually seems like the right decision. Love those feelings, because the world gets to revolve around you and thats the way its supposed to be, right? Besides, if you’re saving him from a bad relationship, what does that say about you? It implies that if you say yes, you’ll mess up his life. Just something to think about.

Look, I’m a guy, and I’m gonna level with you. If it’s not you this month, it’s somebody else next month. It’s not exactly the most invigorating thing to get turned down either. As a guy who’s currently running a streak of 10 straight rejections dating to June 23rd, 2008 (who’s counting? I know), it starts to add up after a while. And yes, that may be part of the reason the statement “God’s protection” drew so much ire from me. But seriously, as a man who doesn’t believe in any “One” other than the one I’ll marry, saying that I’m protected so I’ll have more to give my future wife down the line that God has set aside for me does absolutely zero, namely because all I have is my word. I don’t really want to get into the whole One discussion because it’s a can of worms in and of itself. Just let it be known, saying you’re saving me from heartbreak means about as much as soccer to a man with no legs (and I do not mean to poke fun at people with physical disabilities, I’m just driving a point home).

Obviously there are the jerks who you have a legitimate reason to say no to. And if you’re not really attracted to a guy, then saying yes is giving him false hope. Don’t walk away from this and think I’m saying you have to say yes to every guy, or most guys, or whatever stipulation you want to put on that. However, I think it’s prideful, and borderline heretical and un-Biblical to say that your decision to say no is God working through you to protect that person. You are a human being as much as they are. Say no. By all means, say no. Just don’t try to justify it by bringing God into it. That’s not needed, nor is it really kosher. If anything, bringing God into the reason you say no will make the guy more bitter, towards you AND God.


Next week I may tackle THE ONE.

NEO! wait......


*end transmission*

Day 1: Introductions

Aha! Of course, another new blogger to the blogosphere (as if we didn't have enough, I know). And just like the other thousands upon thousands upon thousands, I shall choose to introduce myself with the first post. About 3 months ago, I asked a mysterious texter for name, rank, and why the chicken crossed the road. She referred to herself as Juliet, rank not nearly as high as mine, and the only reason anyone would cross the road would be if I was on the other side. How trite.

I shall do better! I am Benjamin Gathright, and welcome to the Stumbler's Paradise. I have named my little corner of the interweb such for one reason and one alone: As bright or intelligent as I may seem, I am not a creator. I am merely a stumbler, one of many who stumble upon quite accidentally something that matters. This is where I bring all of my stumblings, to share the paradise I have found knowing that one other piece of my life has meaning, and can be figured out logically. Each post has the potential to be self-explanatory, very puzzling, or maybe if I'm extremely lucky, I can show you a trick that may or may not blow your mind.

Truth is, this is not really so much for you as it is for me. I am a writer by hobby, not by trade. Writing to me is not to give something to the world; it is to find the inner depths of myself as I begin the journey to figure out who I really am. This world is a dark place, and yet I live in it. I am he who characterizes himself by his tragic faults, his failures, and sometimes his successes. Success is never enough for me. I must become THE BEST. Not ONE of the Best. But The. Best.

Enter if you dare, for you may or may not be comfortable with what you encounter here within.