Day 133: What I mean when I say I love you

Your smile is my greatest work.

I trust you implicitly.

I know you to be an incredibly beautiful person.

I can see amazing potential.

I can also see great character, which means unlike most others, you can actually choose to live up to your potential.

When I die, I want you by my side.

The thought of you makes me smile.

I wish I could draw, because I could spend years trying to capture your beauty.

You are my best friend.

If I went blind, I'd already know your face by touch.

I love your laugh.

I love you.

You are my greatest muse.

You are the inspiration that makes me try harder, live better, and go farther.

I'd rather spend time with you than with anyone else on earth.

I really mean it.

Day 132: A True Horror Story

I can hardly remember what it feels like to have somebody mean something to me. That's scarier to me than just about anything else I could imagine. I spent so many years feeling this great emotion for Bailey, and then Kaitlin, but these last few months have been full of pain and emptiness.
Nothing. Devoid of meaning. Like I sat around and did nothing for four months (Has it really been that long?) I hardly feel aliv. Sure, being awake in the daytime, switching stores, there have been some nice changes. Improvements. But what does it mean? Nothing.
I want somebody to share life with. To put a smile on somebody's face. To be the half of a whole. Someone who encourages me to be me. A natural love. I want to want a future with somebody. Comfort in a simple embrace.
I've felt that once before, and I miss it dearly.
I hate existing. I want to LIVE. Surely thats not so much to ask.

You mean somewhere between a friend and the world to me, but I want you to mean the world.

Confound it all, love
All terrors and fears
Guide me home
Safely through the years
Mark me. I'm yours.
Love, lead me home.

I once smiled, proud and confident, because I felt that I alone knew the true nature of love. That was a wondrous feeling. I didn't lose that at the breakup. It was when she moved on, when she couldn't stand talking to me anymore. When I truly lost my best friend. I lost confidence then, not in humanity, but in myself. I lost hope in what I could be, and I quit trying. What was the point of even trying? I had nothing to succeed for. I don't want some foolish American success. I want the family that I gave up in West & Main.
There can be nothing left for me, if not that.

There's the tale of two Bens.
There is who I want to be, and who I am.
I want to be a Darcy, someone who can be persuaded only by love to act. Aragorn, to whom time and distance mean nothing. A Creo, where the separation of death did nothing to quell the depth of his love. A Hansen, who is driven by his love that he will accept no end, except one where they end up together. A Thomas Hunter, whose newfound discovery of the true definition of love kindles a fire that leads a people.
And then there's who I am.

Love is the Father of emotion. It's not this cheapo idea that everyone buys into. It's so great, expansive, and full of meaning. Greater than a heartbeat. Greater than a self, and anything I've ever known.
How I miss it.


I believe in the power of love. I believe in what it can do to me. I believe I'll feel it again one day. I just wish that day would come soon. Sooner, rather than later.
Please. 

Day 131: In Remembrance.

What the hell have I been doing?

I remember now.
That morning back in June, at the end of it all, as I walked away from the house for the final time, I knew what I needed to do. It was the same as when it ended with Jacelyn. I needed to grow; to improve; to become a human being that was more than a waste of a breath to name. I was close. I knew I had to be close. But I wasn't there yet. I didn't get it, it wasn't clicking, something had to change.

I had to be a better man.

And I remember now all of that.

Funny how that happens. The beginnings of attraction (or Love, if you take Stendhal's definition) make you remember all the reasons you've ever loved to begin with.

I think I believe that loving is a key foundation of humanity. A human without love is not a human at all.

And I haven't been very human lately.

Day 130: #doihaveyourattentionnow

 “Shh. Mark this.” The man put his finger to his lips and pointed forward. 

The empty seats in front of us slowly began to settle in, one family at a time, but I didn’t see this. I followed his finger towards the front, past the families being ushered to their seats, past the sounds of impatient children who wanted to see somebody make a fool of themselves onstage for a cheap laugh.

Another sound added itself to the mix. A large whoosh as gears and pulleys worked to pull the curtain back. Immediately a cool air flooded the room, filling every corner, smothering all sounds, drawing everyone’s attention to the front. The sudden drop of temperature sent a chill to my spine. The man next to me gave me a half-hearted crooked smile and lowered his finger.

There was a sudden, sharp sound of leather striking wood. I jerked my head to see the empty stage. Another step. Another, each step with more purpose than the second, a surety of foot as each step grew louder and louder. The Performer emerged from the empty black space, glided down center stage to the edge of the apron and thrust out his smoking hand with a sly smile. “Do I have your attention now?”