Day 4: Psyche

(Mid-March)

Every touch is a drug

I’d give it all for you, but I have nothing left

Is a kiss more intimate if it’s laced with tears

Kisses filled with tears

Soldier on to your death

All for ourselves, none for you

The human psyche is amazing. I’ve not studied it in coursework, but as I see how people behave and analyze motivations, it never ceases to amaze me. I am still looking for the definition of humanity, but selfishness seems to be on the forefront, though I’m sure it’s not the only thing. Subconsciously or consciously, the American mindset is playing Monopoly, a free-for-all zero sum game where only one person can win at other’s expense. Because we continually promote it and play it, we’ve learned to look out for ourselves pretty well. Religious nuts (and I mean that the best way possible) will tell you/ lie to you that they’ve broken free of it, but by no uncertain terms do I think that is hogwash. In times of stress, we revert to our instincts, and our instincts dictate that we act in our own self interest.

A few days ago, a girl that I very much care for and cares for me in return, told me that we could no longer be together because she needed to focus on her relationship with G-d, and our togetherness was impeding and would continue to impede on that, which is the truth. I’m rather torn in this situation. Half of me says that because we really do care for each other we should find some way to reconcile the two desires, which would be beneficial to both of us, but more me. The other half says that if I truly care for her, I should be able to respect her desires and step down to let her pursue those desires. It’s a war that I stand to lose. The logical “I” that I want to win when I think with my head is the one where I step away. However, it’s also the weaker side of me, for when I’m with her and when I think about what I want, I want her back. I want to hold her, to wipe the tears she sheds in my twisted imagination, to kiss her tenderly, and all those gloriously cheesy things I could list. That’s the side that wins the majority of the time, and I hate that about myself. I feel that I’ve stolen those precious moments just to alleviate the pain, which ironically hurts worse in the end. But as Social Darwinism would have it, I still pursue my own pleasures. In times of stress, humanity reverts to instincts.

“So quick bright things come to confusion.”

• Lysander, Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream