Day 104: Enough

So I watched two movies in the past coupla days. The second one was Mystic River, which besides some superb acting has nothing to do at all with this blog. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. It reminded me why I've always loved acting. True, I didn't get back into it in High school because it was fun (it's always a girl, isn't it?), but from then on I've always enjoyed it even if I never really invested much time and effort outside of practice into it (A mistake). Anywho.

The first movie I watched, Wednesday night I believe, was The Adjustment Bureau. Maybe it didn't have the richest story, but the idea of it was interesting. Guy falls in love with girl, but these angel-esque/bureau dudes are constantly trying to break them up because it doesn't follow the Plan written by the Chairman. The Plan is basically that she will go on to become a world-famous ballet dancer and choreographer, and he'll go on to be President (youngest President since Kennedy if my calculations are right; they never really say) but neither of those things happen if they stay together. She teaches 6 year olds and he drops out of the politics scene.

In one of the key scenes, David (Mr. President-to-be) is basically yelling and screaming at one of the bureau dudes, trying to figure out what's so wrong if they choose to be together. After all, what's a little free will? The bureau's response was interesting to say the least, "[It's so wrong to be with her] because she's enough." In short, she fills the void and the all the ambition in politics he has, and her in dancing, becomes moot. Why be ambitious and try and grab more when you have all you need?

That's been a question I've been tossing about in my head a little. Truthfully, it's because I don't feel at home in Denton. I really haven't felt at home in the States at all since I got back from Mexico, at least in the sense of location. I feel at home around Kaitlin, and my family, and in worship, but without them everything is empty; devoid of meaning. Like it's just life going through the motions to keep up this little charade so I look like I'm still enjoying life. And that's not the truth. I'm borderline depressed up here. It's class/work/sleep all the time, and I work my tail off 40 hours a week (no breaks) to scratch a living out of the woodwork. It's not fulfilling at all.

In the movie, fulfillment was found in following the Chairman's (RE: God's) Plan, and I haven't been shy about the fact that I feel like God is saying "Go this way" and I'm purposefully not because I don't want to by hypocritical. I've known the path all of my life and I never found good enough reason to follow it for my own life because I wanted what I wanted, and it was far from the Path that I was supposed to be on. I don't feel it to be right for me to go to the pulpit and scream at the gathered and say "FOLLOW GOD'S PATH". Corny analogies aside, that thought disturbs me.

But I'm also worried that after a couple years of teaching, I'll still have this unsettled feeling. And that scares me more.