Day 105: Facebook Friends List

You're more than I could ever be. . .
And I would give anything to see you shine.
Just like you used to.
- Windsor Drive, "Shine"

I really couldn't think of a title so my original title for the day is "Facebook Friends List". We'll see if it makes the final cut.

I was kinda bored today. I had to call in sick for work because of that stupid virus going around, so I was at home all day so it was all movies and games and pizza (I didn't feel like cooking, OK?) which got boring before I got to the pizza. I watched the Da Vinci Code (I wanted to see what all the fuss was about), I Am Number Four (I was gonna see if I was really supposed to capitalize "am", but the movie wasn't worth it) and Thor (it came recommended). So that's like five movies in the past week, which makes me feel incredibly lazy.

I was still bored after Thor (I know! How can I still be bored after a chest-beating action movie? I was) so I was going through my Facebook friends list. I got through the A's OK, but in the B's I ran across Lawton (technically it's his middle name, but it's the name I know him by) and I teared up. When my parents were up yesterday he was the root of the conversation, and every time I think of him, I think of how much I miss him. It's hard knowing that I traded $62 for my last chance to see him before he passed, and at times I wonder how much I've bought into this whole American success thing. These, and other thoughts, troubled me when I passed his name and picture. And then I got to the D's, and there was Dennis Whaley, an old EU guy who was a lot like Lawton -- always encouraging, always positive, and always ready to turn to the Lord -- and he's passed on as well.

That's right. Two of my 310 friends on Facebook are dead. Physically anyways.
At least forty of them, I've met equal to or less than once, and there are still at least two hundred others I do not talk to more than once a month if that much.
Hmmm that leaves me with 70 people or so. I honestly don't even think it's that many.

Keaton's been on this tangent lately about how everything that America touches comes out ridiculous. It's ridiculous, for example, that people just can't get up and go to Africa for 3 months to find God without calling anyone because we have 'responsibilities' to family, friends, work, and/or housing. There are some things I agree with him on, and there are others that I think he's way off base. Am I really a tool because I won't give three months of my life to go live in Yosemite because I'm working towards a marriage and a future?

I think not. But he thinks differently.

I do agree with him on this. Facebook has taken the definition of 'Friend' and trashed it. Friend's lists aren't friends lists. Their lists of people's names to their personal pages where you can find out all that they post about themselves, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're friends.

Let's go ahead and define friend

1. somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another
"I know her, in fact she's a friend of mine."
2. acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else
"I have a friend at the office who might be able to help out."
3. ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy
"You can say what you like about the principal; you're among friends here."

1 would be my definition. 2 would be better off filed under acquaintance, and 3 is ally obviously. But Facebook takes all 3 and shoves them all into one list (and even to people that you have never met in your in lifetime). I've cleaned out my friends list before, and it went from 536 to 197. Now it's back up to 310, and the last guy I confirmed was someone I'd never met. But my point is (since I feel like I'm rambling and missing my point) that quite honestly, half the people I would call friend aren't even on my friends list, and the ones that are can be counted on my digits. Probably just my hands actually.

I'm still struggling with Day 103, and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm extremely unhappy with where I am. I'm impatient. I want to get out of school (and quit taking basics dammit! Wait. . . I probably shouldn't say that. What the cuss! Well that was no better.) and start my job because once I start teaching, I'll be making a salary, and then I can support a family. Thats where I want to be. Ok, so we're not technically engaged yet, but we're 'engaged to be engaged' as my mom put it and I told her that we'd marry next July. I want to be a man of my word. But I've also said that I wouldn't marry her until she was a year out of school, which would coincidentally be the year I graduated and could get a job. So either way I choose, I'm pretty much stomping on that reputation I've been working so hard to get [back, if at all possible].

If it were my son, I'd tell him to wait until he graduated. But I've been away from her for less than two months, and it's gnawing at the both of us. It's incredibly difficult, and it feels like more than just two measly months. I know what i tell my parents about waiting another 21 months to wait until after graduation, but I also know what I'd tell my kid.

And that's where all of my struggles are. I try to be a better person, but I'm seemingly especially thorough when it comes to littering all over my plans.

Oh kapooey. That isn't better either.

Click.