Day 114: The End of All Things

what am I on my own

what am "I" on my own

what am "I" on my own

"yes, my body did just as you implied
while some ghost we'll call 'I' idly watched through its eyes"
-mwY

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
-Romans 7:15

This is how I act.

Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm addicted to success. I've done so much that people no longer believe that I've done everything I say, and yet it's not enough. I want to do more. I want to prove to my parents, my family, my friends that I'm not a waste of breath and support: I can live up to my potential. I don't think I'd be satisfied with a movie that I wrote, directed, starred in, and wrote the score for, and won an Oscar in all of those categories. I'm not satisfied with being great. I must be the best, because then everyone's praise of me will be validated.

This is how I wish I was.
Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm a nice guy. Not the jerks who say they're nice and then go on and turn into something later on down the line. I am here for the sole purpose of loving and supporting the girl of my dreams, existing to ensure her happiness, which in turn brings me happiness. I want to wildly sweep her off her feet in ways she had never imagined would come true, say all the cheesy lines without even once thinking in the back of my head, "I sound like a really bad romantic comedy." I want to be the man that every girl dreams they could have, the real Prince Charming. When my funeral comes, I want the one thing that my family remembers is my unsurpassed level of devotion to my wife.

This is how I am.
Hello everyone. My name is Ben, and I'm a jackass man-whore degenerate hormone driven driven by pleasure. That which gives me shallow satisfaction I pursue without regards to thought or morality. The shallow, the meaningless actions, one-night stands, it's all easy and second nature to me. I thrive on it. It gives me the carnal pleasures that feed my addictions without any of the responsibilities or emotional attachments of a relationship.

Hello, my name is Ben. And today, I don't feel like I deserve to live.