Day 38: Hasty

Hasty: 1. Eager precipitate; rash
(Websters 1828)
My definition: Me

Day 36-That-Was-Really-37 should've been posted today. It really should've, but I was hasty and posted it too soon because my mind had lept to conclusions. Dangerous. Unfortunately it is a decent sample of the way my brain works. I am hasty. I do things pre-emptively when they should probably done more post-emptively. I jump to conclusions so often that may be what has given me major knee issues. If I make a decision, I'm oft so resolute in that decision that I won't listen to reason. That's not really an issue were I the kind of guy that thought fully through his decisions. I seem to have this thought that I can get to what is the "Best" option quicker than everyone else because everyone thinks I'm smarter than they. Obviously we're all mistaken. This isn't the bad part; it's that I can't seem to fix it when I got out THERE (into the "real" world) and I just keep reverting to my old habits, which were pre-taking-Christianity-seriously and therefore need to be purged.

And over here, exhibit B.
I had a meeting with the "youth" (18-29) pastors at my church, I guess as kinda a lets-see-how-we-can-fit-you-in-the-church-now-that-you're-committed-to-the-worship-team-and-can't-up-and-leave meeting and they were all impressed by the "depth" of my answers and yadda yadda this and blabba blabba that. I realized (scarily) that I do a really good job of letting people see the Ben-of-good-decisions, and notsomuch the Ben-of-bad-decisions or even the conglomerate of the two. I just want the Ben - good-ole-me to pop out. And that's annoying to me, if it isn't to anyone else. The truth is, I'm afraid of the truth. What am I supposed to tell people I meet? "Oh yes, I've done this and that and this, that and all those other things. I don't have the t-shirt for it, but you see this gray hair? Oh and by the way these things I've done have all been recent. See I went on a wild streak back in the Spring and then in May I (re?)discovered God and that's all past. Your church is about redemption right?"The same goes for people I talk to, though there are some things that I don't have as much of a hard time admitting. Others. . .

Yeesh.

I've said all this to say,
I feel like an idiot and that I should apologize about posting 36/37 too early, but in light of everything, I won't. I'm not sure I'm ready.
I feel like a fake, but I have no earthly clue how to fix it, nor how to muster the courage to ask Him.
I am hasty, and I am so many other things I thought were gone but I'm apparently the best/worst host as I'll open the door for anyone.

Forgive me. Help Me. And I don't see a turtle nearing the finish line.


. no they'll never take the good years
. God i wish i would've learned