For the longest time I've always celebrated Single's Awareness Day, and this year was an opportunity to celebrate something else on February 14th. A few weeks ago when I was fasting for an answer and/or blessing for my current relationship, I actually had the idea of waiting to break it off (if I felt the need to) until after February 14th had passed. Some small part of me wanted to celebrate that day. Thankfully, I was spared the chance of being a total jerkface, and I didn't have to bother putting it off because I felt. . . well we felt we got the answer/blessing, which is in itself a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, there's only one small issue to put up with.
It's still a bittersweet holiday. I remember where I was last year around this time. I was calling home to get parental blessing to pursue M, a person that is so important in my life right now this may be the one time I reference her in this blog, ever. I got parental blessing. Based on conversations we'd had, I felt like things were going to happen. Never mind she was a junior and I was a freshman. Age, academic standing, none of that really matters. It's all hogwash compared to hopeful thinking. Well February 14th rolls around, and it turns out she didn't feel anywhere close to the same way I did. Let's face it. She's a flirty gal, and psychologically it was a defense for normality. It was normal, and she'd just been dumped off an engagement (of which I had no clue) like a week earlier, so it was a matter of her trying to act normal and I got caught in the crossfire. And I acted like a freshman. Funny how that works.
Well two days later I ended up losing my first kiss in the frontseat of a Jeep to one of M's inner circle of friends, a deal that I brokered specifically for the purpose of kissing in return for doing Jace's homework. Now this should ring a bell, I've mentioned Jacelyn before. And for good reason. February the 16th was the day that I kissed my first girl. Fast forward two frames to March the 5th, and I was no longer a virgin to that same girl.
A lot has happened in the past year obviously. A lot of it, I'm not really proud of either. It's a year filled with many rash decisions, attempts to right myself, and making more decisions that I have yet to determine whether it was rash or right. It was a year of lost innocence. Physically, emotionally, in my romantic relationships, my relationships with family, relationships with friends, a sunken GPA, and while yes, there have been positive moments like the Nazarite vow, getting hit by the Spirit back in January, reconciliation between myself and the Great Black Dog, and I've made a few decisions like the publishing house and moving to UNT with a guy I've known since 5th grade that have yet to pan out to the fullest, but those bad moments kinda put a stain on a lot.
To be especially straight and candid, hormones are a whole heckuva lot harder to control now. It's hard to relate on a purely emotional level with Kate without having stray thoughts pop into my head. Physicality is now seemingly hard-wired into my personality, which is something I'm definitely not proud of. It's kinda weird how past decisions keep rearing their ugly heads later on in life. And it's barely later on in life for me. That is in itself a scary thought.
Now I need a segway into something that I really wanted to say, so I'll post a quote of myself (again).
". . . but the days where we do things right, the days that I'm honest, the days where we just have fun and enjoy each other's company and not just spending our time with our lips locked, those are the days that I feel I can love this girl. Those are the days where I don't feel like I'm settling. There's substance there."
In the spirit of V-Day weekend, I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Kate (I refuse to type Kait). Dinner Friday night, which was completely amazing. The food has never been that good before. It was a pretty awesome night, except for the crowd noise but that's being downright picky. So Friday night was cool. Saturday was a field trip to Ft Worth with Melillo's class for the 3rd time (there's something wrong about that). Did what little classwork I had. Hung out with Kate and a coupla of her friends. Finally got caught kissing on camera (my mom would kill me). Up to the point we left, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Then Kate got bumped by a car or two on the way to the bus, and she seemed a bit flustered. Thankfully on a bus bench seat, you can adjust and get comfy, so she kinda shifted a little, leaned on my shoulder, and fell asleep twice, holding my hand both times (many thanks to Jeniferever's "Iris" and Gregor Samsa's "Rest" albums for putting her to sleep).
It was a substance moment.
And as much as I may crave physicality, I crave substance. Maybe yearn might be the right word. Certainly makes me sound smart enough.
Sheesh. I can't leave a good sentence alone anymore.
I still haven't been able to use Phrase A (See Day 44), and we're almost three months in. Some small part of me is like "Dude, what's your problem?" Especially on days like today.
Can't rush a good thing, right?
Can't rush a good thing, right?
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