Day 127: Disillusioned

Going cold with the world fading. A soft apology as her knife bleeds me out.

That used to be one of the most powerful images I ever thought of.

     Sono mie care lui, e il mio

For I am my beloved's, and he is mine.

I've always imagined that being the most beautiful dream I could have about R, but I don't remember dreaming it. I imagined it sure, but I didn't dream it. When I write it, I do remember a feeling that I missed out on the best thing that could ever happen to me, but that was okay because of everything I'd learned. All I could take away. Beauty, in it's truest form, was never meant to be possessed, but admired. How can you not stand in awe of the pinnacle of God's creation? How dare we think we are worthy to possess such a great wonder? I was so lucky, nay blessed!, to have witnessed it so early in my lifetime. My failure to successfully woo R wasn't on me. Life had happened, just how it happens everyday.

Then there were those after, most prominently Kaitlin. I struggle with that most days, some worse than others, and others not at all. Looking back, in those last months we were never truly happy; not like we had been in those early months. The denial of the fact made it worse. For myself, I was just weary of fighting my family, weary of trying to be patient, weary of trying to reconcile my desire of moving constantly with her desire to settle down as soon as possible. Weary of trying to reconcile a difference that she swore didn't exist. It went on longer and farther than it should have. I made too many promises, com(promises), and the like trying to make it work. I tried so hard to make her my entire life, and now that she's gone, I feel aimless.

That loss, that heartbreak, that knife in my chest -- that one's on me. As is that feeling of being lost.

The void that's left, it takes so much time to heal, and even then it would take so long to refill. You can never truly replace someone who's meant so much to you for so long. It's why everyone always thought I never got over R, when R is merely an afterthought. She is by far my greatest muse,, but I possess no desire to ever see her again. Even when Facebook pops a photo of her into my timeline, she's nowhere near as beautiful as she used to be. That hurts pretty bad. It's all so painful - the memories that lie around every corner in this godforsaken metroplex. Can't even go to Tyler without dealing with it because I have to go through Forney and Mesquite, not to mention the memories in Denton. I think I finally understand the phrase terrifying beauty.

I have to get far away from here. I need a true chance to heal. A chance to do all I've ever dreamed of doing. Acting, writing, music, all of it. To find myself again, not this stupid man-whore immoral facade I've been living.

I want to get far away from here.
I don't want to come back.
Never again, if I can help it.

    to find a true beauty to admire

*fin*

(how many hearts will I break to piece mine together?)