Day 63: Learn it Forward

Yes, the title is a reference to the movie Pay it Forward, which was one of the movies everyone thought I was in since I looked like Haley Joel Osment as a kid. Instead of paying it forward though, which is a nice cute concept in and of itself that will never take hold since Humanity is inherently selfish and will be that way for a long long long long time. And by long long long long time, I mean

Oh Christ when You're ready to come back
I think I'm ready for You to come back
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay too - it's really none of my business.

-- Obligatory mewithoutYou quote, "Carousels"

Anywho, on with the post.

Pay it Forward was meant to be a play on Pay it back. Someone does you wrong, you do wrong back. In the classic positive movie manner though, it was if someone does something nice for you, you do it nice back (for payback). Pay it Forward differed in that it encouraged you to (get ready for it) Pay it FORWARD, aka to someone else. Well, they had a play on words, so by golly, I'm going to have one myself. Instead of pay it forward, its learn it forward (So far this post is being extremely obvious.)

I've been going to my one steady college friend for advice for a while. . . as long as college has been is a while, and he comes to me for advice. There are some times where it's like the blind leading the blind, others where we play tug of war because we're going for different directions, and still others where we're wondering why we paid the other guy to be a guide on the trip up the molehill. But as best as we can, which is a struggle in itself, we move forward, we move on, and we live as best as we know how, helping the other stumble upon the same road as best as we can. This is called Learning it back. We learn from each other and each other and each other and each other. Oddly enough it seems to work to some extent, although that just means we're still alive. Never mind that I'm one eyed, club-footed, both arms in a cast, covered in scars, paying millions in medical bills for surgeries, heart beating to the tune of a computer, blood being filtered by a machine, and crying my eyes out in the form of blood: I'm still alive and that's what counts.

That sounds like a horrible existence.

Instead of learn it back, there's learn it forward (Yes, I know it feels like I'm insulting your intelligence. Go with me here.) Old people do so much by trying to give us wisdom, and some of it is actually worth absorbing, but if you don't pass on what you learn to those behind you, they're behind the 8 ball, and they have to play catch up. It's rather unfair. It's like the man who was forgiven of his large debt and then went and played bully to the man that owed him a small debt - Silly notion. So learn it forward. What you learn, as you learn how it works, pass it on. Find someone to counsel. Theres the LawnCare Man at work (I call him that because he never realized his nametag said Edger instead of Edgar, which isn't even his real name since his mom started inserting random letters his name) who's young and upcoming as it were, and as a junior the kid has a lot of questions regarding colleges, careers, and life in general. I try to help him and hang with him as much as I can, and I think its because I see a measure of myself in him and I'd hate to see him go as far down this road as I've gone. But I'm "learning it forward", passing on what I know to someone who doesn't know. It goes back to what I was saying in. . . wow. I thought for sure I had a blog post where I mentioned the willingness to use my testimony, but that must've been in a conversation with a friend, or else I just can't find it. Anyways, one of the things I've grown comfortable with is being open. I try not to just air out everything to the world (for those of you who follow this blog regularly, that's a funny notion, I know) but I try to use it a learning/teaching manner. Basically, say "Hey, I think the last three letters of the alphabet are X, Y, and Z and here's how I've found it to be true in my own life."

This came to me because IBB (Idea Bouncing Board) was (figuratively) wearing Blackface to a KKK meeting, which basically means he hit a rough patch, and he was doing the learning back thing (which isn't entirely bad, don't get me wrong here. Its good to seek regular counsel.). Frankly, the situation sounded rather familiar and the best advice I could think to give him rests in a letter that represented the reply that I called a "Closure" in Day 36 and Day 37. I remember the letter pretty well because out of all the relationships, ghosts of relationships, possibles, things lost, and anything else that could probably be connected to the label "Pre-Kate", it's the only thing that still holds meaning. It's not because the person sending the letter still means something or anything like that (There was closure after all), but it's just the only thing I have left that wasn't just a "It's over, and let's go our separate ways", but rather "before you go, here's a map for where you're wanting to go. so far as I know, its the best map, and its the same one i'm using, but these maps are really cool because they operate on the same concept, but the Cartographer has designed them to lead to the right place for us personally rather than us as a collective, because He cares about us that much." Translation: It's a no, but here's the best advice I can give you for the road ahead.

Learning it forward.

I'm still the only person who's held the letter, and I'm still the only person who's ever read it. In fact, I think the only time anyone's even seen the letter besides me out of the envelope was the IBB, and all I showed him was the signature over Skype since I thought the penmanship was outstanding. I never really shared the direct content with anyone but her, so I guess I just figured I'd keep the response to myself as well. It'll definitely be something I show to my kids, because it's an awesome map, and its full of great advice in spite of its length (one full page, one sided, single spaced may not sound like much, but my original draft to her was 11 pages long). I told the IBB that depending on my mood when he asked, I might read it to him, which is a true statement. If he asked at one point, I might pull it out and read it to him and discuss the stuff in it with him and all, but call two minutes later and I might just leave it where it is. There is some measure of fear attached to it because of the meaning it holds. As far as most desired object of 2010, that was probably it. But I realize at some point I will need to share it. It's best to Learn it Forward, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready.

On a separate unrelated note, there are times when I'm talking to the LawnCare Man that I'm reminded of a comic strip that I would repost here were it not for the language and NSFB(Not Safe For Blogs) content, but the basic premise of the strip was the main character sees one of his old buddies that used to be a staple of the strip but disappeared only to show up in this one strip. They exchange pleasantries, and the "What have you been up to lately?"s, and a regular reader would know how that question would be answered for the main character, but Steve has been gone for a year and a half real time, so somethings up. You see various scenes of 007 inspired action, espionage work culminating in a massive explosion and helicopters and stuff. The guy's verbal response? "Eh, not much." And that's exactly how I feel when I talk to LawnCare Man. When I think about my life, I don't think its much in the special category, but the kid just loves listening to me talk or he's actually that enthralled with my past. It's funny. I guess I just wanted to end this blog on a good note, since it most definitely is over. and I have to be up in four hours. Wonderful.

The world is ours
If we would only let it be.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
- Sleeping at Last "Hurry"