Day 122: Regret and the Power of Love

Some people would call wanting to change the past a pipe dream. I would call it regret, although regret in itself is a pipe dream. This deep reaching sorrow we feel changes nothing about our past.

But isn't regret more than just that? It's an ocean of sorrow, constantly drowning us without killing. It's a vehicle that drives our future. It's an intense desire to do better, with the simultaneous belief that you can't. It's the symptom of unforgiveness, and self pity. Regret blurs hindsight, it cripples confidence, and it destroys your soul.

I used to believe that doubt was the greatest enemy of mankind, but doubt is merely an effect; and regret is the cause.

Just a word that triggers a flood of memories. Powerful enough to bring me to my knees and weep with abandon, apologizing incoherently through my clogged throat. All I can remember is the wrong I've done.

I should've treated you with more respect. I should've left your innocence where it was. You should've been more important to me. I should've lived to make you feel loved, safe, and secure. Every day should've been my gift to you. All the things that you were to me, and yet I was more important to myself. That alone is the worst transgression I could've committed against you.

Now we're separated and unreconciled, and I'm dead to myself. I don't think I could've ever really let you go. Too many good memories that we shared still reside in my brain. Every day that I wake up, I miss you. Every day, I pray for the best for you, and I regret that I wasn't.

That's the power of love - that we can die unto ourselves and still be fully alive.