There are two living persons that mean a lot to me. If my standing with these two is good, life's very easy to live in the way I need to. But without them, I find it hard to have hope enough to live for the Real World because I feel like I have nothing to support me to the end.
One is a girl. The one who got away. When we were near each other, she was a true ray of sunshine, happiness, joy, peace, and seemingly a reflection of who God really is here on earth. She's one of the few people I honestly believe is really focused on Him fully, and that doesn't change because life is busy, hard, or lonely. She is who she is, and there is no changing that. Wonderfully intelligent. Terrifyingly beautiful. I made a conscious decision to let go of her, but every time someone asks me about her or she happens to come up, I just go on this tangent, smiling and trying to relate how awesome she is, and every single time it happens, someone always comments, "Man, you must be really into her." Not, "you must have" which is past tense, but "you must be", present tense. I don't understand, but it's how it goes.
The pain is that it's been over a year now since I really talked to her, and I never can bring myself to talk to her or anything because, let's face it. This is college. Life moves on, and so is it really right to keep looking back at something that was and not focus on what shall be? Romance is an advancing idea, not backwards thinking. You grow in a relationship. Stendhal basically said that once you kill love, or love is stunted from growing at a certain point, then it's too late. It will never grow to fullness. I don't get it. I want to move on. I have faith that God will bring a real WOW girl that will knock me out because she's that awesome and I'll go "I WAS SUCH A DUNCE" and my life will be full of the things of God, but apparently my mouth or my subconscious hasn't quite got it.
One is a boy. This boy I haven't even known for a year, and no, I am not romantically interested in this boy. Randomly, we met, and he's a pretty cool guy. Smart, and he seems to have a better grasp of certain concepts that I've never been able to wrap my brain around, and he gets them just like that. His essays are mindblowing. Intelligent is a pretty good descriptor. Like the girl, he's got a fantastic focus on God. He's a little snarkier about it than most, but still wonderfully himself.
I don't know. Sometimes he feels distant. When he is, it makes it tough, just like it does when I miss the girl. Life is easy, but without these two, or even one of the two, it's difficult to be focused on Him.
And I don't know why.
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