Day 41: The Debts of Life

"You'd only make the softest sound,
like sugar pouring into tea.
Darling let your Self pour down
and dissolve into the Love
who revealed Himself there quietly to me...

(Jesus have mercy on our souls)"

-Aaron Weiss

So its 12:19 AM. At 7AM, I will awaken to my phone chirping violently at me to get up, and I'll be strumming a guitar all morning and working all evening. It's Sunday, and it's both the best and worst mornings of the week.

The best for obvious reasons. It's the one day that I spend worshipping God for more than the time I can find during the week to play guitar and do it on my own, and it's a dip in the pool of Love. A refreshing of ideas and motivations. Sunday mornings revitalize me like no other time during the week. So Sunday mornings are the best of times...

... and they are the worst of times. It's then I realize I'm an idiot 6 1/2 days a week. For half a day, I'm where I need to be, and for 6 50/100 days I've regressed slightly a little past where I need to be. No, that's too nice. I'm way out of line.

This will be interesting.

True Christianity, what you read in the Bible no holds barred is a 24-7 commitment of action, thought, motivation, and the oft-said and seemingly never followed "dying unto yourself." Anything less is lukewarm, and it would be better if there was no commitment at all, which is scriptural. The problem is, I'm content with lukewarm. I see lukewarm, I've lived lukewarm and it's gotten me nowhere. Yet I continue to live a lukewarm because it's all I know, or all I've known, save for a small bright spot earlier this year, post-everything that I gave away to the wrong things at the wrong time for the wrong reasons, but that dimmed out and it's like. . . I'm an idiot. I know it. But it's hard to change.

Why change? I have everything I want. Money, a band, good grades, a girl, a clean slate, a chance to do things right, and all the time I have is now taken up. I'm finally actually BUSY, and its nice. I dont spend all my time sitting around accomplishing nothing; I'm actually doing something, and my work ethic that is so bent on accomplishing things loves it. I'm finally finishing what I start. To change from lukewarm to on fire, I'd have to change several things, some easier than others. The money should be tithed with more frequency. The grades should be higher. The girl, things need to reset because although they aren't far, it's more than far enough. I've definitely done worse.

I'm a sleep deficit because there's too much stuff stuffed into my time. I think when I went down the list with my dad it went (God, were it really #1), family, work, school, church, girl. That 6 things, and combined they are huge massive time commitments. Now what my dad doesn't know is that God isn't in that mix and my schedule is still stuffed. I'm behind on sleep, but I can't fit anything more in without rearranging time portion allotments. I'm at a sleep deficit because I'm a lukewarm idiot. And while this blog isn't helping the sleep cause, it certainly is helping in healing.

what am I on my own?

I picked that as a blog title because in a good moment of self reflection, I realized I am nothing without God. A nice cute moment of brilliance in the muddy puddle that is my life. For years my excuses have been "I have no idea what God wants me to do", and "Oh I'm a Christian doing God's will." and to quote Ke$ha (because the trashiness is equal to it), it was just "talking about blah blah blah." [Certainly never thought I'd quote Ke$ha in a post, much less one like this]. These I cannot use anymore. I do know what I am called to do, I certainly know I am not doing the will of God. I know where I am, and where I need to go, and I am painfully aware of how vastly apart these two lie.
I lack the possession of an active will. Apathy.

And because we can't have a blog post without going to webster, so we could find the definitions for closure, hasty and such, we're going to back for apathy.

Apathy: Want of feeling; an utter privation of passion, or insensibility to pain; applied either to the body or the mind. As applied to the mind, it is stoicism, a calmness of mind incapable of being ruffled by pleasure, pain or passion. In the first ages of the church, the christians adopted the term to express a contempt of earthly concerns.
Quietism is apathy disguised under the appearance of devotion. (Websters 1828)
My definition: The bullet that went through my head along time ago and left me with nothing but the memories of that which was.

It's now 1:11AM. I feel like I have so much more to say, but to keep myself somewhat sane, I'll head to bed. Do not worry, I have a feeling there will be a part two.

And I sure hope it's in a more positive state of mind. . . or better yet, a healed state of mind. Not healING. healED.

And while I want to quote song lyrics here, I'll instead live vicariously through myself and quote myself:

Guide my fingers. They're the only thing moving forward.