Day 8: Apologies

Apologies to you, my reader. I was overeager in my posting yesterday, but let me do a realistic blog. I feel an inexpressible and quite silly need to be level with you, and it is quite possible that you are the only one that reads this. All the same, I shall level.

As of May 5th, I have completed my "freshman" year of college, and am now a sophomore. And to be quite honest, my freshman year was nightmarish and somehow also the best year of my life. I'll deal with these in two separate paragraphs so there's a clear demarcation.

Best year of my life: I mean, come on, it's (just about) every high schooler's dream to get out of the house. I stayed up till 2 or 3am every morning watching Hulu shows and movies, hanging out with friends whenever I wanted, playing games when I wanted, taking as long of a shower as I could without freezing myself to death, and so on and so forth. It was a dream for the first semester just because it was something new, and the second semester I did even more. Got a girlfriend, starred in a Shakespearean play. . . I'll try not to bore you with a list. If there was a way I wanted my life to be out of the house, this was it.

Nightmarish: My GPA went from a 4.6 in high school, to a 3.6 after one semester, and then a 2.7 after a second semester. My girlfriend and I had our rough spots. I had trouble balancing all the aspects of my life. I did things I'd never thought I'd do, and I became more and more broodingly dark, depressive, and isolated as the year wore on. My life turned upside down, and I lost total control. (For the record, I'm still broodingly dark, but I'm not as bad as I was and improving daily). As the year wore on from March to June, I began to hear what people's impressions were of me, and there were only two semi-positives in a sea of extremely negatives.

That last part is what hit me the most. I don't care what people think of me because I'm a people pleaser... oh wait. Ok, I'm being level. I am a people pleaser, just not an extreme one. I really care more about what people think of me because I like being a nice personable guy that makes your day brighter, not darker. And just about everything I did, I hardly believe I did it, and am fully ashamed. Ashamed of things I did, ashamed of things I've said. Jokes I shouldn't have told. Ways I shouldn't have acted. All these things that I did, I don't feel like they're me. They're not a part of my "logical" thought processes, and it's not how I really act. But in the end that doesn't matter because my reputation is ruined. I feel like Michael Cassio in the play Othello, whose one cry is

"Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost

my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of
myself, and what remains is bestial. My reputation,
Iago, my reputation!" - Act 2, Scene 3, Line 1416

My reputation is gone. What can I do?